The Religious Impulse

[rug]

November 14, 2011 by Star Foster

I’m tired. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically tired. I hit the wall awhile back and just kept trying to run. I’m so tired that I’ve been a crappy blogger who’s been busy trying to build walls around herself instead of being the open, laid-bare blogger I was a year ago. A year ago I would have told you I was struggling with this or that in my life. Today it feels like an admission of weakness rather than sharing a human experience. I’m so tired I’ve begun to think of blogging as warfare and words like besieged have slipped into my speech far too often. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to be that kind of writer. So I’m going to stop trying to be a fortress or tower of strength, which I suck at, and be a human, where I have a better chance of success.

Normally when I get tired of blogging a Pagan somewhere does something amazing, and it energizes me and inspires me to wake up ready to share amazing things through this blog. Well, Pagans have been doing some fantastic things things lately and while it has warmed my heart and given me hope, it hasn’t energized my writing. I’ve honestly been questioning why and if it is important to keep blogging. This blog began as something much different and against my wishes evolved into something else, an intensely personal forum rather than a group effort I merely administrated. It’s been a tool of personal growth, a way to spread good news and a community of readers that I’ve come to rely on for perspective, insight, criticism and affirmation. It’s also become a burden, another stone around my neck at a rather hectic and stressful job.

Today, like too many days of late, I didn’t want to write. I have plenty of things to write about, so it’s not writer’s block. I simply don’t want to deal with it. I’ve begun judging topics based on whether I have the energy, time or patience to deal with the discussion it will engender. At times I force myself to write a post I don’t have the energy to deal with only to find later that I’ve written an aggressive, snarky and completely unreadable post. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of this on my own, trying to decide if what little I do over here on the Pagan portal is worthwhile and trying to discover how to reclaim the energy I once had.

This is what I have discovered: I write because I have a religious impulse to do so. Everyone has their own gift, and unfortunately this is the only one I have. Writing is all I’ve got to give. I am not a brilliant teacher, nor a gifted ritualist. I’m not an inspiring and dedicated activist. I’m not a wise elder, nor even a good student. I’m no enchanting musician, talented visual artist or helpful mentor. I’m not even a supportive lover, or raising up the next generation of Pagans. I’m someone who chews through words and ideas, who worries a concept until it makes sense to her and whose tool is the written word. In the larger picture, it’s not a very useful gift.

http://www.patheos.com/community/paganportal/2011/11/14/the-religious-impulse/

[AnnieBW]

1. Blessed Be, my friend

Blessed be.

[Moe Shinola]

2. How do you know you're not just physically tired?

I feel fatigue a lot lately, mostly because I'm really bad at saying "no" to people, so I don't have much unstructured time to myself. I'm always dreading the next thing I gotta do, whether it's work, the next hang-out,
this musical project or other. If I could afford to take a month off and disappear someplace for awhile, I'd be gone like last week's paycheck. Just a thought, maybe dosen't apply to you. Hope the feedback helps, anyway.

[rug]

3. Welcome to DU.

Thanks for the thoughts but I didn't write it, just found it interesting.

[trotsky]

4. You too can use the block quote text formatting, rug.

It would help make your posts clearer as to what YOU think or say and what you are quoting.

Next time you want to quote a large block of text, on the new message screen, click the link for the HTML lookup table. Check out the code for "Blockquotes."

[rug]

5. Thanks.

:thumbsup:

[snagglepuss]

6. Thanks for posting. Both her blog and the comments were worth the time.

It wouldn't have been something I would have sought out to read but I learnt a lot about pagans I didn't know.