The Great Afghan Theocracy Analogy (a dialogue)

[Boojatta]

Judge: Mister Elpmax, I understand that you own a restaurant. Is that correct?

Elpmax: Yes, your honor.

Judge: The plaintiff, Mister Tew, states that after he ate a meal in your restaurant, paid for his meal, and walked out of the restaurant, you ran outside and dumped a bottle of grape juice on his head and ruined his suit. Did you do that?

Elpmax: It was an emergency, your honor. I did what I had to do, no more and no less.

Judge: What did you do?

Elpmax: Let me explain what happened, your honor. The plaintiff was vomiting outside my restaurant. That had nothing do with the meal that he ate in my restaurant. He must have been ill before he ate in my restaurant.

Judge: The plaintiff has not asked for any compensation for throwing up. So it doesn't matter whether or not the meal he ate in your restaurant was responsible for the fact that he threw up.

Elpmax: The meal he ate in my restaurant was not responsible for the fact that he threw up!

Judge: Fine, I'm willing to assume that there was nothing wrong with the meal that the plaintiff ate in your restaurant. I'm willing to assume that because it's not relevant. Mister Elpmax, did you dump a bottle of grape juice on the plaintiff?

Elpmax: Your honor, I had to do something. People could see Mister Tew vomiting outside my restaurant. Naturally they would assume that there was something wrong with the food I was serving. I had to set an example so no one would dare to throw up outside of my restaurant!

Judge: Mister Elpmax, do you understand that this conversation we are having is in the public domain? Why didn't you pay Mister Tew for the damage you caused to his suit? Why didn't you settle out of court?

Elpmax: I want everybody to know that anyone who throws up outside my restaurant will regret it!

Judge: Mister Elpmax, did it ever occur to you that people might resent the way you treated an ill customer and might decide that they don't want to have anything to do with you or your restaurant?

Elpmax: Look, I did what I had to do, your honor. Is there something you're not understanding? Somebody vomiting outside my restaurant is bad marketing. Why should I tolerate bad marketing?