The bible confuses the heck out of me?

[FM Arouet666]

http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/Deu/Deu022.html

Deu 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Deu 22:30 A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt.

Ok, so dad is wearing women's clothing, If I discover his skirt is he an abomination unto the LORD. Stone his sorry ass?

Deu 22:10 Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.

Ok, so stone his sorry ass only if he wears womens clothing and plows with an interspecies couple.

Glad this bible stuff makes sense to y'all, I am damn confused. :evilfrown:

[Dr.Phool]

1. Why do you hate Jesus?

Now go get drunk, knock up your daughters, and be a righteous man before we stone yer sorry ass.

[FM Arouet666]

4. Because he is there?

[EST]

2. If you aren't confused, it means you've already choson a point

of view, adopted your own interpretation, in which case, you will learn nothing.

[FM Arouet666]

3. As I looked into the burning bush

it spoke unto me, why the fuck don't you dump some water on my burning ass. Ass? I looked around, I saw no burning asses, no frolicking oxen in search of horny asses. I asked the bush, what oh lard do you mean? You, my son, have chosen your own point of view, your own interpretation, and you will learn nothing. Where upon I pulled out my reproductive organ and extinguished the flame with a golden shower of relief. Ahhhhhh.

FMA 1:666 The new world testament. :evilfrown:

[EST]

6. Do you know what Moses REALLY said to the burning bush?

He said,"Let me get this straight--we are your chosen people and you want us to cut off the tips of our WHAT?!!"

[FM Arouet666]

7. ;)

Moses exclaimed 'The lord sayeth that we must strike our holy organ with malice, to carve off a piece which shall represent the evil of mankind.' To which the flock exclaimed, 'What the FUCK are you talkin' about Willis, er, I mean Moses?'

Moses responded, our lord commandeth that we remove our holy foreskin so that he shall be pleased.

The flock responds... The bitch gives us the damn thing then decides that we should cut it off. Fuck the holy recall. I'll get my oil change at 5,000 miles but I be damned if I will carve off my little fella's turtle neck sweater!

You must obey me, sayeth the lord! The Jews complied, trim the manhood for the lord. The Mohel works hard for the lard, and he works for tips. :evilgrin:

[ClintonTyree]

5. First lesson of the bible....

Do not eat from the tree of knowledge. You just couldn't help yourself, could you? ;)

The bible may have made sense to people 1,500 years ago when most people were woefully ignorant, but it's certainly losing it's relevancy in today's world. You'd think an almighty and powerful creator would update this information from time to time. Look how many Windows updates there have been since it was first released! ;)

[China_cat]

8. If you don't have knowledge

how do you know it's wrong to eat from the tree? Or have sex, as some would say it means. (Think 3 year old playing with his penis)

[greekspeak]

9. Can I suggest you read a translation that isn't several centuries old?

Say, the New Revised Standard Version? It will probably make a little more sense that way.

[Silent3]

10. Good idea vs. moral issue

Setting aside the stuff in the Bible that seems batshit crazy no matter how you slice it, there's probably some stuff in there that's good advice, or at least was in the time and place it was given.

Don't eat pork? Good advice if you might not cook the pork thoroughly and there trichinosis to worry about. Don't plow with an ox and an ass together? Well, I haven't done a lot of animal-powered agricultural labor in my day, but I can see how taking two different animals of different sizes, strengths, and temperaments and lashing them together on the same farm implement might not work out so well.

It seems beyond the Bible, however, (and perhaps many other source of religious teaching as well) to simply say, "Here's some good advice. We think you'll be happier if you do this one thing this one particular way, and avoid doing this other thing altogether." No, that won't do. It has to be all about how God Himself commands that things be done, and how you'll burn and hell and God will hate you forever if you don't get with the plan. It's not sufficient punishment that the direct bad results of ignoring good advice might catch up with you. We've got to heap on some Holy Wrath and turn smart vs. dumb into Righteous vs. Wicked, and make sure you pay for any mistake one thousand fold.

Good advice: "Don't spit into the wind."

Biblical take: "And the angel of the LORD spake until Edweebial saying, 'Cast not thy spittle into the wind, for this is an abomination in the eyes of the LORD.' Yet Edweebial did not heed the words of the angel, and he did cast his spittle into the wind, and when the spittle returned upon the wind to strike the face of Edweebial, it burned as the fires of the deep upon his eyes, and Edweebial was struck blind. The LORD placed a curse upon Edweebial and all of his children and his children's children, all of whom were born blind unto the tenth generation."