My 25 year old cousin just died

[Evoman]

I was very close to her. She has been sick for the past week, and was getting some tests done, but no one thought it was serious. She stopped breathing, her heart stopped ...she could not be resisitating (I know I'm spellig that wrong). If anyone remembers the post I made a while back...I have never known anyone to die. I've never been to a funeral....I need some advice.

What do I do? My aunt is terrible from what I've heard (I haven't seen her yet). Her husband...I can only imagine. I'm close to them, but not THAT close. What should I do? My uncle told me not to phone them today...they were way to bad. Show I phone tommorow...the next day?

I haven't cried or anything yet...I may still be kinda numb. Or I may never cry. I don't know. I'm just a keep emotions in kinda guy. My girlfriend may be a little worried about me...I don't know. I just want to be left alone I guess. I need to think.

I just wanted to post here because I've felt like I maybe have friends here, in the religion forum...and I can't talk to people here. I just can't.

Hehe...I'm an atheist. I don't really need anybody to pray for me or tell me she is in a better place. For some reason, that really doesn't make me feel better. I don't know...I just posting....

Evoman

[Olney Blue]

1. Evoman, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[benburch]

2. Well...

I would suggest actually going there tomorrow after they would have come home from Church.

All they will want is to be hugged and told how special your cousin was to you and how much you know they will miss her and then just listen to them. Ask them if they need any help with the funeral or the wake or anything like that.

Prepare for crying. It's totally normal.

And I am SO sorry for your loss!

[Poll_Blind]

3. Don't judge your grief, it'll express itself in its own ways unique to you

I cannot speak to the other things about when to call. I am very very sorry for your loss. I'm an atheist too- everyone assumes atheists don't have a heart and that's so ignorant. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. You and she will be in my thoughts tonight.

PB

[caledesi]

4. Evoman - am so sorry too. You are probably in some sort of

a state of shock. As for crying, I am not a crier...just get a delayed reaction which is depression. This is so horrible. I feel for you.

Wait a few days or just go to the funeral/wake and give your aunt and uncle your condolences then.

I feel for you. Very tragic.

[Tess49]

5. Sorry to hear this. Do you have other relatives that can help

you with this? They might know when it would be a good time to contact the family.

[Fridays Child]

6. This is very tough, and maybe even worse because you don't know...

...why it happened. My heart goes out to you, Evoman. Don't hold it all in. If your girlfriend can help, by listening to you or just being there, let her help. And keep us in the loop on how you're doing, okay? :hug:

[beam me up scottie]

7. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Are they close enough so that you can see them in person?

It's always difficult to know what to say, sometimes not saying anything at all, just being there for them, is the best thing you can do.

My friends were wonderful when my mom died. They stayed with me, held onto me, cried with me.


You don't need to talk, just listen.

Please let me know if I can do anything.

And again, my condolences for you and your family.

[Evoman]

13. Actually, my cousin lived about a block from me

All my family is in town. I don't know...I'm just the kind of person who wants to grieve alone, so its hard for me to imagine any giving me condolescenes. I would just want them to leave me alone. When my uncle called me from my aunts house, I could hear her wailing in the background. He told me it would not be a good time to call..maybe tommorrow...maybe. So I don't know.

She was really close to me...we went to the same university...took the same chem classes (she got a chem degree, I went the biochem route). My brother met his girlfriend of five years through her (her best friend). We used to do homework together and went out almost every weekend (until she got married...lol...then it was like once every three weeks). I've been so busy working and writing my thesis that we haven't talked in about two months.

I called her yesterday, but she was sleeping. My aunt, who said she was at her apartment because my cousin was sick, told me that she would call me back later. I thought it was just a flu or something. Today, she went to the emergency room because she had thrown up a lot. But she was talking and in good spirits, from what I heard. Then she started weezing and gasping. Then she died.

25 years old...man. I'm kind of glad I'm an atheist right now. Because if there was a god....He would have to go into hiding right about now.....

Evo

[beam me up scottie]

18. Lots of us prefer to be alone when we're hurting.

It's just too much to process at once.

Being atheists, we can't tell ourselves that the person is in a better place, or derive comfort from scripture.

We have to go it alone, and that's not easy.

You'll be able to sort it out in time, it just takes a while.

[Evoman]

27. Man

I just don't know what to do. I mean, right now. I'm posting on DU but don't really feel like it. I don't feel like talking to my girlfriend. I don't even feel like playing video games..lol..I always feel like playing video games. Its what I do when I don't know what to do.

I want to do something...buts its like 11:30 at night.

Maybe I'll go have a cup of tea.

[beam me up scottie]

28. A walk?

Might help you think.

Or, if you don't want to think, maybe another diversion would help.

I love my animals, times like this are when I use a purring cat or big sloppy dog to comfort me.

They don't ask questions, they're just there. :)

[Rick Myers]

8. I've been there...

My cousin (my age) died suddenly and I wasn't that close to the family, but I took it HARD. It was in stages, early I was just numb, but then cried alot, etc... I'm also an athiest, or, as they say in the Air Force, NRP, no religous preference.

I spent some time with MY direct family, my mom and dad, then went to calling hours and the funeral, which was Catholic. I just bowed my head and listened, and it was very helpful, because it comforts those who believe. Just be respectful and don't discuss religion, and you will be ok...

You wrote: "I haven't cried or anything yet...I may still be kinda numb. Or I may never cry. I don't know. I'm just a keep emotions in kinda guy. My girlfriend may be a little worried about me...I don't know. I just want to be left alone I guess. I need to think."

That is EXACTLY how I felt in that situation.

You'll be ok, and you'll get to a cry at some point.

Rick

[gardenista]

9. I'm sorry for your loss.

Your cousin was so young, and it must be a big shock to you and your family.

After having been through way too many funerals, I can tell you that you never really feel deep down inside that you know the right thing to do or say when something like this happens. But there are a couple of ways in which you can almost never go wrong:

-Write a heartfelt sympathy card. It doesn't really matter what you say. Just try to perhaps write a nice memory or two that you have of your cousin, tell her parents that you cared for her, and how she was a positive influence in your life (assuming she was).

-Try to show up for the funeral and other family gatherings. Again, it doesn't matter what you say, but try to dress respectfully and keep it low key and positive. Again, recounting a fond memory or finding a way to express your admiration for her best qualities is a way of letting her family know that you care.

Don't be surprised if your emotions begin to really come forward after all of the funeral and other family stuff is over. Sometimes these things don't sink in for a while.

Sending you good thoughts.

[hedda_foil]

10. I'm so sorry. What a horrible loss for you and your family.

Your numbness is a normal reaction to the shock of the loss. It will begin to come and go and the grief will flood in and then be damped down until your mind can deal with it. That's how we cope with death without going mad. Call your Aunt and Uncle today, tomorrow and the next day. Just tell them how terrible you feel, how much you loved your cousin and that you're there for them. If they want to talk, just listen and sympathize. If they don't, tell them you love them and call the next day just to let them know you're still there. leave a message if they don't want to talk. Visit them as much as possible. The survivors need company to cushion their shock and grief.

The funeral will be very hard but not as hard as you imagine.

Respect those who are comforted by prayers even if they do not comfort you. Sometimes that's all people have to hold onto, whether they believe or not.

[rasputin1952]

11. I cannot tell you what to say, nor really how to take this whole thing

into perspective. What I do know is that death, whenever it comes, is an inevitability. While you are close to your cousin, this will make the acceptance easier in the long run, rather than as difficult as it is now.

Remember the good times, laughter and joy. Recall that you both had the blessing of knowing each other and that although this is tragic, the shock will pass, and the memories will sustain you.

There are things, we never know just why they happen, they just do. Find solace in your family and friends. You will get through this, and you need not try to go through it alone.

You are in my thoughts.

Peace and tranquility.

[bluerum]

12. Talk to people about it if you can. Most people are simply not

that close to their cousins but a death in the family is a loss that you feel. Sharing the experience of grief with her parents and husband is a scary thing - there are very intense feelings of loss and abandonment and it is normal to be somewhat afraid of experiencing them.

You don't have to say a lot to your aunt etc. You do not have to fill every quiet space with words. Let them set the tone. Hugs are good. Just be there. Let them decide when to talk.

But be aware that they may be extremely upset and emotionally shaken. They may NEED help. When people are that upset they forget to do the simplest things. They may wander out into traffic unaware of where they are. They can't eat or sleep. Watch out for them if you can if they need it. Give them rides, bring them food, but try not to be a burden to them.

My thoughts are with you and your family - I am sorry for your loss.

[serryjw]

14. Are you able to help with funeral arrangements?

Calling people, setting food up for after funeral. If you are able to offer your assistance, I sure it would be appreciated. So Sorry for your loss....way to young to die.

[msgadget]

16. GREAT idea,

I agree and it'll mean more than an awkward phone call or visit. Relieve some of their burden any small way you can manage. Some who are grieving take comfort in company and in seeing how many lives were affected by their loved one, others have to grit their teeth to get through the same.

[Erika]

15. How sad for you. Life is not fair.

It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. Life is not fair.

Remember the good things about her with happiness.

[Divernan]

17. Sudden death of a young person is a terrible shock for everyone.

I suggest working on some written note to her parents. They are in shock themselves and will not remember much of what people may say to them. A caring, comforting note is something they can hang onto and may read again many times when they are missing her. Basically, tell them she meant a lot to you, describe some of the things you liked most about her - like a sense of humor, or a great laugh, or that she was easy to talk to; tell them that you had looked forward to always having her for a friend and you will never forget her; tell them that they were good parents to her and a good family. And then, when the funeral is over, and people have stopped dropping by with casseroles, etc., in a month or so - just stop by to visit. Tell them you wanted to see how they were doing, and just bring up some memories about your cousin. It's a terrible thing for parents when their child dies, and they may mourn for a long time. It helps people to reminisce. One very nice thing you could do is see if you have any photos of your cousin, either alone, or with her parents or you, and get a copy made - you can have it cropped and enlarged, whatever- and framed, and give it to her parents. You'd probably like to have one of those yourself.

Funerals are so tough, but I have found the most comfort in those funerals where family members got up and shared remembrances with each other.

One of my closest childhood friends died suddenly at the age of 32. Her death brought home to me that none of us knows how long we have on this earth, and motivated me to get my act together, go to night classes to finish my college degree, get out of an empty marriage and get a couple of more degrees and some very interesting jobs and have a much different and better life. I have often told people of my friend Pat and how her death motivated me. I will always be grateful to her, and although I don't believe in an afterlife (atheist like you), I find myself occasionally saying to her, you're still alive in my memory. I have never forgotten that old friend - "lost in death's dateless night" as Shakespeare wrote, and in some ways have seen myself as leading the quality of life she would have led.

[Warpy]

19. First, the words are "I'm sorry. " Don't give them platitudes about

going to a better place or only the good dying young. You are not supposed to outlive your children and the platitudes will make it worse.

Second, ask if they need help making phone calls and letting people know what has happened. Ask if they need help with funeral arrangements.

If you can cook, take them some food. Trust me, food is a very low priority for them right now but they will eat it if it is there.

Don't be shocked by anything that comes out of their mouths right now. Don't take it personally and don't cling to the memory of it. Remember, they've just had the most devastating loss any parent can have and they're in shock right now.

Just be practical, be there, offer to help them do uncomfortable things. Don't worry if you don't cry. People grieve in different ways and according to their own schedule. You may be numb and will dissolve into tears later. You may not. Don't take it personally if they reject your help right now, either.

In any case, I'm sorry for YOUR loss. Sudden death like that is horrible to go through.

[NMMNG]

20. I'm sorry Evoman

:hug:

I understand wanting to be alone during trying times--I'm that way myself. I find it helps me to sort things out.

Take your time with your grief, there's no reason to rush it. Perhaps you can give your uncle a call in a few days to see how things are going with him and your aunt.


With metta,
Buffy

[madrchsod]

21. you will do what you think is right

and your girlfriend will help you through this time. don`t be to critical of yourself. i to was like you in my youth and was kind`a lost in what to do and feel...but you will find in the coming days where your heart is at. always remember she will always be with you for the rest of your life, not in body but in spirit.
god doesn`t have anything to do with life and death,that is entirely up to us.

[Hekate]

22. Phone and visit soon. Take food. Say you will miss your cousin.

Put some of these thoughts into a card or letter that her family can read later. "I loved how she laughed. I will never forget that summer at the lake."

Ask if there is something you can do for them (can I pick up groceries? do you need your yard mowed before everyone gets here? how about I do this pile of dishes?) and then be prepared to do it right then. If visitors are coming from out of town, let it be known if you have a spare bed or even a couch to offer.

People take food like casseroles to the homes of the bereaved because the survivors are severely shaken and have a lot of arrangements to make.

I am so sorry for your loss. You've lost a cousin, a childhood companion, a close friend, at an age when no one expects to die.

Her parents have had their world turned inside out. A child should not die before her or his parents. In the months and years ahead, let your cousin's parents and siblings know that she is not forgotten.

I write these things with tears in my eyes for you and them, and wish someone had told me what to do when I was your age and a friend's husband died suddenly. I had no idea what to say or write, and I know I handled it poorly. You'll do okay, because you are reaching out to your girlfriend and to your friends here. :hug:

Hekate

[stillcool]

23. I remember that post....oh....

wow....death is like so many other things in life that you just have to go through. There's no way around it. For me, oh man, just reading your post makes the memory of all that emotion come back. It's so fucking final...and it's so hard to grip. And it happens to every single thing on the planet. Sometimes I like to think of it as birth into whatever's next. When I'm in an emotional storm of sorts, it is useful to allow myself to just be...a human-being rather than a human-doing. The process is such a deeply personal experience....'bitter-sweet' to the nth degree. Deep breaths my friend.

[Rick Myers]

24. All good karma, Evoman!

[ratzworth]

25. Practical matters...

Whenever you are unsure about what to do, do what needs doing. Think of others until you can come to grips with the thing yourself:

--Who is the family go-between? Your uncle? Try and find out when you may call them.

--GET A CARD (even if you have already called them--many people like to have something concrete to save as a memento.)

--If you are in a position to do so--and feel like it--send some flowers.

--(This last thing is most important...) There will come a time, in the upcoming days, when you will need to stand up for your cousin and speak for her. Whether it is a tribute you read at her funeral, or something you simply hand her parents, you need to get a piece of paper and write out what she meant to you, what she meant to the world. Recount some good memories in it--and DON'T, under any circumstances, put any pat phrases in it like you mentioned in your post. No 'she's in a better place', no 'it was meant to be', no 'when it's your time to go, it's your time to go', no 'God never gives a person more than they can handle' or any of the dumb things Hallmark puts out for mass consumption. Write something detailed, from your heart, focusing on her--I know it's hard, but your Aunt and Uncle will be very touched you made the effort, and they'll love anything you've got to say.

Put your attention on others--that's the best way to deal with grief--especially a grief you can't yet talk about and you haven't had time to process.

[shenmue]

26. Sorry

:cry:

[unschooler]

29. Phone them. And let them do the talking - if they're ready.

My guess is they'll be wanting to talk and cry and talk and cry for a good couple of years. What a sad and frightening story.

[applegrove]

30. Cry your ass off. The grieving process is long and you need to be

good at crying. Get on the phone - as soon as you can with them and cry with them.

I am so sorry.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

31. Man, that sucks.

I'm sorry for you, very sorry. Don't worry....I won't put out any prayers. ;)

:hug:

[WhollyHeretic]

32. I am very sorry for your loss.

Grief affects everyone differently. I'm an introvert and was just pretty numb for a while when my best friend died, eventually the crying did come pouring out of me but it doesn't for everyone. It's so tough to know what to do, how much space or comfort to give other people. Maybe just let her parents and husband know you're there if they need it, see if they need anything, food etc. Plus doing stuff like that, at least for me, helps unscramble your mind a bit.

Once again I am truly sorry for your and your family's loss.

[SidDithers]

33. I'm sorry, Evoman...

be loving, and supportive, and helpful to your family, and be true to yourself.

Grief is a strange and wonderful emotion, and it affects all of us differently. Your grief is your own, and will come in a form that is personal to you. Cherish your memories of your cousin, and share them with the people that knew and loved her. Honour her memory in a way that she would appreciate - raise a glass, plant a tree, write a play. You'll know what to do.

:grouphug:

Sid

[Zhade]

34. You have my condolences, my friend.

:hug:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

35. There are situations in life

when any word is inadequate..when thinking is inadequate...when praying is inadequate. This is one of them.

May she rest in peace.

[nemo137]

36. My sympathies for your loss, Evoman.

[libhill]

37. I think

that all any of us can do is bear up the best we can. You have your girlfriend for support, you have fond memories of your cousin. I'd suggest pulling out maybe a photo album, with pics of her, and instead of mourning her, remember her - celebrate her life. Sorry, just rambling here...

[laruemtt]

38. i'm so very, very sorry Evoman.

:cry: :hug:

[Zebedeo]

39. My condolences on your loss, Evoman

My advice would be to offer to help the family in whatever way you can. Their grief must be overwhelming.

[Evoman]

40. I want to thank you all for your words

You may not know it, but you've all helped me so much. To all the people who posted here and those who have PMed me (especieally you, BMUS...your a no-god send :) ) you've really touched this cold atheist bastard. We may all believe or lack believe in different things, but in the end, your all great people.

Evoman

[Lydia Leftcoast]

41. The sudden death of a young person is the hardest to take

Naturally, the immediate family is in shock. And the parents have suffered one of the worst fates there is, to outlive one of their children.

But there are things that need to be done. For example, a lot of people need to be notified. Can you quietly take over that job? Your aunt and uncle may be sleepwalking-numb with grief--perhaps you can go over and just sit with them and hug them and let them cry on your shoulder. Or you can cry on their shoulder.

Definitely attend any funeral or memorial services that are held. If you don't, it will look (in the family's raw and sensitive emotional state) as if you don't care.

It's natural to be frightened if you've never seen a dead person or attended a funeral before. I was much younger than you are when I first attended the funeral of a close relative (grandfather) for the first time, and I was telling my mom that I was scared.

"You weren't scared of him when he was alive, were you?" she asked.

If it's a religious funeral/memorial service, there is likely to be a standard routine, and all you have to do is stand or sit when everyone else does. You don't have to say anything you don't feel comfortable saying.

Be there for your aunt and uncle, but take care of yourself, too, and don't be surprised if you hit a crying jag at some unexpected moment. :hug: