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The E.S.P.N. "College GameDay" Drinking Game
Rule No. 1: "My Friend." At the beginning of the game, someone must be designated as "My Friend." The host will choose which participant is My Friend and My Friend must sit to the host's immediate right. Whenever Lee Corso says, "Not so fast, my friend!" everyone except My Friend must finish his drink as quickly as possible. Whichever participant takes the longest to finish his drink becomes the new My Friend, because he followed Lee Corso's direction by being "not so fast." The new My Friend and the old My Friend then trade seats. Whenever Lee Corso says, "Not so fast, my friend, ___________-style," My Friend must put on an appropriate item of team-specific headgear (if the "not so fast" was "-style"), speak in an appropriate fake accent (if the "not so fast" was "-style"), or do an impersonation of an appropriate coach or player (if the "not so fast" was "-style").
Rule No. 2: "The Runt." Former "GameDay Final" panelist Trev Alberts landed himself in hot water by describing Ole Miss as "the runt of the litter." At the beginning of the game, in honor of Trev Alberts, someone must be designated as "The Runt." If there is one Ole Miss fan present, he automatically becomes The Runt. If there are two or more Ole Miss fans present, the most diminutive Ole Miss fan present is The Runt. If there are no Ole Miss fans present, the shortest fan of the school with the smallest enrollment is The Runt. Anytime a "GameDay" panelist makes a comment so asinine that it makes you reflect back wistfully on Trev Alberts's competence and sanity, you must announce, "I miss Trev," at which point The Runt gets to choose between (a) punching you in the arm or (b) making you take two drinks.
Rule No. 3: "Meeeechigan"/"Warshington." When Chris Fowler refers to Michigan as "Meeeechigan," everyone takes one drink. When Lee Corso refers to Washington as "Warshington" or to Washington State as "Warshington State," everyone takes one drink, except My Friend. However, if "Meeeechigan" and "Warshington" are referred to in the same segment (if, for instance, the subject of the 1992 Rose Bowl comes up), My Friend must finish his drink.
Rule No. 4: "The Greatest Ever." If any contemporary player, team, or game is declared "The Greatest _________ Ever," everyone takes one drink, except The Runt, who gets to punch anyone who is a fan of the player or team, or who watched the game, being touted as "The Greatest Ever." If the discussion of "The Greatest Ever" involves an interview with Pete Carroll or a Southern Cal player, everyone must finish his drink, except The Runt, who gets to punch everyone in the arm once.
Rule No. 5: "The Lean." If, prior to predicting the outcome of a particular game, Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, or Kirk Herbstreit makes reference to a given statement being indicative of a "lean," everyone must lean 45 degrees to the right and take one drink. If anyone falls over while leaning, My Friend drinks what is left of his drink, because, hey, what are friends for?
Rule No. 6: Lou Holtz. Anytime Lou Holtz mentions Notre Dame while discussing a game in which Notre Dame is not playing, everyone takes one drink. If he does it twice in the same segment, everyone takes two drinks, and so on until the end of the segment. If you try to speak and you find that you sound like Lou Holtz, stop drinking and have someone call you a cab.
Rule No. 7: Rece Davis. When Rece Davis says a player has logged on and is "part of the gone network," everyone takes one drink. When Rece Davis makes a popular culture reference that you don't get, you must announce, "I don't get it!" then take three drinks. The first person to explain the reference to you takes one drink. All other players take two drinks.
Rule No. 8: Jim Donnan. Anytime Jim Donnan appears on screen, all Georgia fans present must finish their drinks and all Florida, Georgia Tech, or Tennessee fans must raise their glasses in salute to Jim Donnan before taking one drink. Anyone who is not a Florida, Georgia, Georgia Tech, or Tennessee fan must listen to Jim Donnan's analysis and take as many drinks as necessary to feel as drunk as Jim Donnan sounds.
Rule No. 9: Shillin'. Whenever Chris Fowler previews an E.S.P.N. noon game between middle-of-the-pack Big Ten teams before previewing a more significant game on C.B.S. or N.B.C., everyone takes one drink during each commercial break until the more important game on another network is discussed.
Rule No. 10: Mark May. Whenever Mark May attributes a substantial degree of a team's success to its offensive line, everyone takes one drink. Whenever Mark May says something and Lou Holtz replies, "That's a good point," everyone takes one drink. Whenever Mark May says something and Lou Holtz replies, "That's a good point," then goes on to disagree with Mark May's point, everyone takes two drinks. Whenever Mark May predicts that Georgia will lose its next football game, all Georgia fans present must finish their drinks.
Rule No. 11: Desmond Howard. If you can't understand what Desmond Howard is saying, take one drink. If you're pretty sure he's making a good point, despite your inability to understand what he is saying, take two drinks.
Rule No. 12: Kirk Herbstreit. If your wife or girlfriend comments on how good looking Kirk Herbstreit is, you must take one drink and your wife or girlfriend must take two drinks. If your wife or girlfriend expounds upon this in greater detail (e.g., "I like it better when he's calling the Thursday night games with Mike Tirico, 'cause he looks so cute when he's wearing his glasses!"), you and your wife or girlfriend must each finish your drinks and you must ask, "Do any of you know a good therapist for couples' counseling?" If anyone knows a good therapist for couples' counseling, that person automatically becomes My Friend and The Runt gets to punch the new My Friend in the arm once.
Rule No. 13: Keith Jackson. Whenever Chris Fowler sends the show out to Keith Jackson for a preview, everyone must do a Keith Jackson impersonation. The last person to say, "Whoa, Nellie!" must take one drink.
Rule No. 14: Brent Musburger. Whenever Chris Fowler sends the show out to Brent Musburger for a preview, the rules of The Brent Musburger Drinking Game apply during the preview, with My Friend serving as "Gary My Man" and The Runt serving as "The Pardner."
Rule No. 15: Theme Song. While the "College GameDay" theme song is playing, the first person to say, "I miss Bubba Sparxxx," must take one drink. Anyone who voices his disagreement must take one drink while The Runt punches him in the arm.
Rule No. 16: Holly Rowe. If Holly Rowe starts to look good to you, stop drinking.
Rule No. 17: Lee Corso. If Lee Corso predicts that your team will win its next football game, you must finish your drink, pour yourself another drink, finish that drink, and let The Runt punch you in the arm nine times. If Lee Corso says something that makes sense to you, stop drinking immediately and never drink again.
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