Is this opening paragraph for a short story compelling?

[ALago1]

When I stop myself to think about it, and I do so somewhat often, I realize that I've been fortunate enough to have a pretty easy life. My parents never abused me, my pets all died in peace, and all my sexual experiences have been only minor humiliations. I also have many memories, expanses of images within my mind's eye. They are mostly pleasant too, except for some moments scattered here and there. I remember, for instance, this one time - I was riding my bicycle in the streetlight. It was summer and I was ten and there was no one else around. In the moonlit sky there was a flash, followed by a three dimensional disk shaped object. It hummed and split the sky before finally touching itself to the ground. On the disk there were some aliens. They were small, about 4 feet each. Their eyes were colored silver and also doubled as a prism, reflecting light just like the album cover of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon". They asked me if they could use my backyard to empty out the sewage on their ship. I said yes and so they proceeded, to this day my lawn has streaks of purple. It was a magical night, one to recall for the ages, but still not the very best. For nothing could compare to the time I got drunk with the only son of God.

[Krupskaya]

1. If you're going for over-the-top Douglas Adams stuff...

...it needs more metaphors. Metaphors can help you set the tone. I'm not sure what your tone is meant to be, until the last sentence.

[Kindigger]

2. Post some more...I am bored. :)

I see myself at ten. Alone on a hot summer night, aimlessly tracing circle eights on my bike, moths softly bumping the street lamp above. The hypnosis of boredom suddenly broke in a flash of light, replaced by the hypnosis of disbelief, as the sky shimmered, and split like a curtain. A quiet hum announced the arrival of the disk shaped object. It hovered for an eternity, before sinking silently to Earth.


Their eyes were double prismed silver, reflecting like a hubcap rattling slowly to a stop in the sun...a pothole casualty.

[ALago1]

4. Yes! Maybe I will, and cleverly steal your revisions :)

[Ready4Change]

3. Needs editing, like all writing.

What feel are you going for? Like Krupskaya says above, if you're going for a Douglas Adamsy feel, you need to pop the metaphors. IMO, not more metaphors, but more extremely vivid, unlikely ones.

One the other hand, you may need to cut out a lot of (I'm bad on the terminology here) modifiers that seem, to me, to be getting in the way.

For example:

"When I stop myself to think about it, and I do so somewhat often..."
could become
"When think about it, as I often do..."It reads easier that way, I think, which helps readers "hear" what you are saying.

However, maybe that stiffles what you think of as your voice. That's part of what makes writing the fun it is.

I'd say you also have several paragraphs there, not one. I'd make a new paragraph for the bicycle memory, for example. How to make that break (or to make the break at all) is part of a writers preference and style.

Have fun!

(edited to edit myself! heheh)

[lapislzi]

5. Don't hassle about it

Chances are that when you revise, it'll get dropped or radically changed. The important thing is to get the story down and then figure out how best to grab your reader by the collar.

Strictly speaking, as a paragraph, it is too long for an opener. You could cut it down to 2 sentences without sacrificing any of the meaning.

When I was 10, I was visited by aliens. But that was nothing compared to the night I got drunk with God.

Then you have a bunch of ways to go with it (is the narrator crazy? If not, how does he substantiate such outlandish claims?) If you dig a hole, remember, you have to get yourself out somehow.

[wryter2000]

6. Just MHO

When I stop myself to think about it, and I do so somewhat often, I realize that I've been fortunate enough to have a pretty easy life. My parents never abused me, my pets all died in peace, and all my sexual experiences have been only minor humiliations. I also have many memories, expanses of images within my mind's eye. They are mostly pleasant too, except for some moments scattered here and there. I remember, for instance, this one time - I was riding my bicycle in the streetlight. It was summer and I was ten and there was no one else around. In the moonlit sky there was a flash, followed by a three dimensional disk shaped object. It hummed and split the sky before finally touching itself to the ground.

I love this part.

On the disk there were some aliens. They were small, about 4 feet each. Their eyes were colored silver and also doubled as a prism, reflecting light just like the album cover of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon". They asked me if they could use my backyard to empty out the sewage on their ship. I said yes and so they proceeded, to this day my lawn has streaks of purple. It was a magical night, one to recall for the ages, but still not the very best. For nothing could compare to the time I got drunk with the only son of God.

This part should be redone, imho. The whole passage is telling, imho. That works for the background, but I think when you get to what actually happened that night, it should be shown rather than told. This will be really crude, so please don't think it's my style, but here's more how I would do it...

A door opened in the disk, and some small people got out. I use "people" loosely, as they stood no more than four feet high and had silver prisms for eyes. Freaky, like the cover of Dark Side of the Moon.
"Earthling, may we use your back yard for our...byproducts?"
What the heck? English? Maybe Star Trek hadn't been so far off, after all.

As I said, that's bad, but I think you see what I mean by showing, rather than telling.