Please read and give me an opinion

[the Princess]

For the first tiemin my life I am thinking about taking my wrtiing weriously. Here is a sample of what I have done most recently. Please read it and I am mos tinterestein knowing what emotions is brings up for you. Thanks! :)
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How do you say goodbye?
by the Princess


Alex and Michael had been sitting on a park bench for quite a while, saying nothing. Alex took a big breath and said, "I don't know how to say goodbye to you Mike, but I think I have to."

Her words stuck in her throat - Michael let out a big sigh filled with pain. One big tear slowly flowed down Alex's left cheek. "There are so many things I never said that seem unimportant now," Alex said her voice husky with emotion, "But never doubt for a second that I love you Mike, I do and I will love you for the rest of my life."

Michael was still staring at the ground, hands clasped tight. He slowly turned his head to meet her eyes, his own eyes were filled with tears, "I don't think I will ever understand what we have between us, but I will miss you forever," Michael said in a whisper. He again turned his head to look at the ground so Alex would not see the depth of the pain in his eyes.

"Michael," Alex said softly, "what we have is so special and so deep that I doubt anyone could explain our attachment. But I know it's real and I do know that not being with you will be the biggest regret of my life," she said almost in a whisper as she stretched her hand out to push the hair back from his face “I want you to know that when you kissed me it felt like beauty personified and it too my breath away, every single time. When you touched me it always felt right, and when you held me I knew that you could be the greatest love of my life. I knew with every ounce of my being that if you and I were to be together as a couple I would wake up everyday thanking God that you - YOU Mike - loved me and I know in my heart that looking into your eyes would be the only thing I ever needed to feel loved totally and completely, “Alex said in a whisper. . "But we both have spouses that love us and who we love, and even though it's breaking my heart, we have to end our relationship and concentrate on our families,” Alex said quietly.


Michael looked into Alex's eyes and saw the love - the love that was always there when he looked into her eyes. He saw the depth of her feelings for him, and knew in his heart that he would never find love like this again. Tears were running down Alex's face as she stared into Michael’s eyes seeing all the love he felt for her but never expressed. He didn't have to - it was right there in his eyes, and it wrapped around her heart every single time he looked at her and gave her such joy and comfort.

What would she do without him? How could he go on knowing he could never speak to her again? How could they go on knowing no one would ever look at either of them that way again? So many questions - and there were no answers.

You make commitments in life and you have to follow through. When you promised to love someone forever it's not something you can walk away from. And the reality was - they both loved the people they were married to. There really was no choice to make - it was too hard to be married and to love another, no matter how deep that love was. It was just too complicated and too heart wrenching. They both knew it had to end. But neither wanted to let go.

Alex stood up. Michael stood up too. They embraced for the last time - neither wanting to let go. "I'll love you forever Mike, and I will miss you till the day I die," Alex said with tears streaming down her face. "I love you too, Alex - and I will miss you always," Michael said, trying to hide his tears. They stood there holding onto each other, desperately not wanting to let go because they both knew when they let go they walked out of each others lives forever.

But, finally, they both let go. Alex wiped the tears from Michael's face. They smiled at each other as best they could - and Alex turned and walked away. With every step, she fought the urge to run back to his arms. With every step she knew she was walking away from a love like none she had ever known. But she kept walking, trying to see through her tears, knowing that at home was a man who lived for her, and loved her with all his heart.

Knowing that her husband’s arms and love would make it all right. At least she hoped so.

[BornLeft]

1. I have a short attention span

if you didn't get me "hooked" in the first sentence i can't read it.

[Demit]

2. Try to use fewer cliches and adjectives

--words stuck in her throat, voice husky with emotion, eyes filled with tears, every ounce of my being, knew in his heart, walk out of lives forever, run back to his arms.

BTW, when beauty is personified, that means it exists in the form of a person, not a kiss.

Actually, what I felt at the end, after all the "greatest love of my life" stuff, was pity for the poor husband she was cheating on.

Sorry.

[derbstyron]

3. I would like to see more originality

The only place that the story comes even close to "coming alive" for me is in the fourth paragraph where you talk about love from a personal sense of the two characters.

Otherwise the love talk is cliched and uninteresting.

Ditch the trite dialogue and build from that fourth paragraph and I think you will be on your way to something good.

Best.

[wtbymark]

4. critiquing

i read a lot of things people write, this is honestly what i thought.

imagry is ok, growing, but immature for a professional writer

in spots the syntax was confusing, but this might have been intentional as to not reveal that they were cheating lovers

definitely the womans perspective - if you were to step away from this perspective and even be more gender neutral, i think you could delve more into the social and psychological aspects of that forbidden lovers realationship - thats what i think you were trying to get at. Exploring the notions of such relationships and intertwining that with the charactars would make for a better impact on the short piece.

That's what i thought, but opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. lol

[Village Idiot]

5. You may not see this as a kindness, BUT...

it is an honest attempt at "quick criticism." Please accept my heartfelt apologies for any insult you may believe you have suffered here at my hands...

I am not incredibly fond of the subject matter. Too "schmaltzy." If you are aiming for the Harlequin Romance market it may work, but otherwise, you may want to change a lot of it.

You may want to change the tenses up a bit, from passive present to active, in order to eliminate awkwardness. Try to avoid redundancies like rhe following, as well:
"..Alex stood up. Michael stood up too..."

You might want to flesh out some of the more heart-wrenching parts of the example. Some of the sentences seem unjustifiably curt for a romance scene. You might want to replace this:
"...But, finally, they both let go. Alex wiped the tears from Michael's face. They smiled at each other as best they could - and Alex turned and walked away. With every step, she fought the urge to run back to his arms...."

with something like this:
"...But finally they both let go, while Alex wiped the tears from Michael's face. They smiled lovingly to each other as best they could as Alex turned and walked away. With every stubborn step, she fought the almost overwhelming urge to flee back to his warm embrace..."

You seem to be overly fond of "he said" and "she said." You might try varying it a little bit - perhaps "she sobbed," or "he sighed" or "he breathed," etc...

An example:
"But I know it's real and I do know that not being with you will be the biggest regret of my life," she said almost in a whisper... "
You could just use "she almost whispered," here to give it a bit more power...

It seemed to get a little disjunctive right after "...every single time he looked at her and gave her such joy and comfort..." You might want to keep these thoughts and reminiscences in the same paragraph instead of breaking them into two...

AVOID the dash when it cannot properly encapsulate a coherent thought, as in:
"...And the reality was - they both loved the people they were married to. There really was no choice to make - it was too hard to be married..."
The dash seems superfluous here...

and in:
"...Her words stuck in her throat - Michael let out a big sigh filled with pain..."
The dash should not be here - either use a conjunction or a colon (although I am unsure if a colon would be proper, either). There are other examples, but I will not labour the point.

Another small point is that the last two sentences are not sentences at all...

Many people avoid good grammar out of habit, but if you are serious about writing, there is no substitute for grammatical accuracy. It can make your writing stand out and sound so much more powerful...

There are other criticisms I could offer (avoiding comma splices, awkward constructions, long descriptions of emotions that do not require them, etc.), but I just do not have the time. Apologies.

One piece of advice that I personally have never regretted taking is finding a good, thorough, trustworthy editor. It can be a friend or a family member (it helps if they are semi-literate), but get one and you will never regret it!!!

Good luck with the piece (and again, many apologies for any ego-injury I may have caused here). I hope you are successful and stick with it!!!

[passy]

6. The writing is not too bad but where is the anger...

...the frustration?
Great passion invokes, well, passionate feelings, feelings of sadness but also of despair.
Let him get angry at the unfairness of the situation, at the fact that he has to resign himself to live the rest of his life without what he wants and needs.
Let him ask her "why not?" one more time, let him scream out his despair and let her heartbreakingly but rationally explain to him why it cannot go on.

[Jack Rabbit]

7. So who are these people and why are they doing what they do?

Derbstyron's critique is well taken, but even if you developed it from there, it would only tell part of the story.

What is it about their marriages that makes these characters so attractive to each other? I'm getting too many mixed signals. Do one or both of these people just have habitual commitment problems? Alex doesn't seem to be too thrilled about her husband. Is there no passion in their relationship? If not, why is the reader told, "they both loved the people they were married to"?

Why is Mike taking being dumped so well? This relationship either doesn't mean a lot to him or the subject of breaking up has been brought up before. Why is he upset enough to cry and not ready to fight to hold on to what he's got? I'm getting mixed signals about him, too.

Reading this gives me a sense of having listened to a popular song, something like "Let's just kiss and say good-bye". The reader is given less information about the characters as human beings than about their immediate feelings in a vignette. Is there a story behind it? What motivated them to have an adulterous relationship in the first place? What is motivating them to break it off? Fiction should give the reader a better sense of what is going on inside the characters' heads than a popular song does. Here, the reader is not given that information.

One piece of advice when writing about a subject like this: develop a broad, romantic morality to guide you. By that, I don't mean something as trite and simplistic as what we might expect to find in Leah's Way after reading Steph's review. Mine is that a human being is at once an individual with basic needs and a social creature; that without being so, our species would have long ago become extinct; that much of the suffering in the world is a result of tensions that arise from these two often conflicting human aspects; and that such conflict often takes place within a single breast. It is a romantic moral outlook that allows the writer to explore a subject like adultery without prejudging the adulterers, as a classical moralist would.