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I'm guessing if you just want to post something here that you've written that's fine right? I just wanted some opinions.
Im warning if you're particularly religious you might get slightly offended by this but I didn't mean any of it offensively so if you do I'm sorry (I'm only fourteen and live in England and everyone is completely un-religious over here so generally you can write whatever you want without offending people)
Oh well, here goes
God
The creator’s brows were furrowed – he was angry. He hated creativity, he hated individuality and he hated rebellions. Such a bloody pain. He had created humans as his slaves, to toil endlessly at his command, to build him palaces and gardens. Instead, what he got was a bunch of spineless wimps cowering behind a rock every time they heard the sound of thunder. He had found it hilarious the first few times, but soon it grew tiresome. He found their arrogance most annoying of all; he hated it how they considered themselves above animals; he had certainly not created them in his own image, he was not a tolerant god and he definitely didn’t love them.
Every time they got too uppity and discovered the theory of evolution, he would send in a plague and wipe most of them out so that they would have to start again. To offset this, he would dispatch a prophet occasionally to increase his popularity after a particularly disastrous period in humanity’s history (he’d run out of ideas by Bush’s election in 2000 – dammit this time he’d actually listened to the prayers for once and made sure the other guy won – he suspected Satan had had something to do with reversing the election, and was sorely tempted to end the world there and then at the millennium, but eventually decided not to – he wasn’t going to wait another fifty million years for pay-per-view porn. By 2004 he’d given up on politics altogether and decided that Cheney, the man who ran the world would die of a heart attack within the next year or so anyway, and had had four-to-one odds on it with Raziel)). He knew that religion was all a dupe – there was no Heaven (for them, anyway), although this was a necessary illusion; he couldn’t afford to let people know that there wasn’t a Hell and they were all going to die; the fear of Hell was what kept most people obedient little servants to His name.
Right now, humanity was back in a bit of an early stage; he had accidentally wiped civilisation out in a fit or rage and had had to start again. This was annoying; millennia of painstaking planning and balancing the ecosystem had all been wasted. Humans thought that they had been the hardest to create but as usual, they were utterly, utterly wrong. It was the bloody dinosaurs. God had originally intended them to be the main attraction – massive battles between hordes of flailing monsters would have been really excellent – but it turned out they were so annoying and unresponsive, and, well, boring that he was almost relieved when a giant meteor wiped them all out… God blamed Gabriel, Gabriel blamed the Holy Ghost and so it went on. Oh well, such things happened. Bored, God watched another temple being built in his honour. He idly flicked a block of stone and watched in satisfaction as it crushed five workers in a pool of blood. The surrounding workers were not alarmed – their prehistoric mechanisms were often subject to dismal, often quite amusing failure, although a couple of them did offer a quick prayer to the merciful Lord so that their brothers would reach Heaven quickly. Oh the sweet irony.
You see, being the almighty was reasonably tedious after a while; he had nothing to do except watch some retarded cavemen beat their chests and jump up and down; a bit like the archangels after a particularly raucous house party, he observed poignantly. Before, he had taken a positive delight in chasing after half-naked savages as an ogre, although this too was beginning to wear a little bit thin. Plagues were no longer any fun – he had overcome the thrill of swarming locusts and rat infestations (although there were the occasional exceptions). Besides, it was too quick. Natural disasters was the last of his vices that actually gave him any pleasure… flaming volcanoes hurling fireballs was one of his favourites (Vesuvius did come to mind), although the burning villages that time did let off a thick black smoke that stayed in the air and coated Heaven in a layer of soot for many days.
Today, he decided, would be floods. Floods weren’t quite as satisfying, but they were much more effective in wiping out large hordes of savages. He still couldn’t quite get over their incredulous faces as they saw a towering wall of water twenty feet high come chasing after them. After momentarily basking in his stroke of genius, he began immediately emptying all the archangels’ water machines into the oceans, and watching the water levels rise. He knew that Michael and Raphael were almost definitely going to whinge – they only drank premium distilled water, but he was used to their regular complaints, and to be honest, was getting bored with their incessant whining anyway. The water level rose higher and higher, until the water level covered three quarters of the earth’s surface. He kept on letting it rise further and further, grinning manically as he watched the terrified barbarians scramble higher and higher.
He saw an ark floating above the water in astonishment. He had seen some idiots building a boat a few months earlier, and gathering enormous quantities of animals – and had been sorely tempted to blow it to pieces, but had decided to let it be for the time being – he had had his attention distracted by a prank call from Raziel. He watched the ark sailing away in mild annoyance – it wasn’t fair that these humans were getting away from his punishments. He was about to strike them down with a lightning bolt, when he realised that the water had covered the entire earth and was rising at a startling rate. Alarmed, he decided to make a run for it.
He sat in his mighty palace for a few weeks sulking… he was going to have to redraw ALL the food chains, ALL the life processes and he definitely wasn’t going to get the Holy Ghost to help him again… but wait a minute… he suddenly remembered that floating somewhere between what was the Pacific and the remains of Metatrel’s water machine was the Ark, most probably with copious amounts of animals stuffed in the interior. He did a quick victory dance around the room (reminiscent of the film Dodgeball, a firm favourite in the Holy Palace), and came down to earth to see how things were going. The water levels had finally subsided and the ark had landed. He could see a bunch of people huddling round a campfire.
God was so pleased, he made a promise never to abuse his force to wipe out mankind again (although he bordered perilously close in the years to come) – not, as it is said in the Bible, through the guilt of his own deeds.
The End
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