|
This is certainly a powerful moment, but as it stands it's somewhat weaker than what you've shown so far. I think that it can be reworked to harness its power without changing too much, though!
Paragraph 1:
This can be removed because its main function is to weaken the impact of the opening image of the second paragraph. Additionally, it's a little heavy-handed, in stark contrast to the restraint your writing shows elsewhere.
Paragraph 2:
When a mangled person is described as a "creature" in this context, you can probably omit the descriptor "grotesque" because it's basically redundant. Maybe "broken creature" or "shattered creature" instead? Or even just "creature," which is plenty evocative on its own. Also, delete the phrases "his position on" and "where he sits" so that you have "looking up at me from his low cart." This serves two purposes--it cuts out the extraneous wording and it avoids the question of "Can he sit if he has nothing below his pelvis?" You might reconsider the word "looking," too; perhaps a stronger, more imploring word like "gazing" or "peering." I suggest removing either the "spit" or the "snot"--to have both is too cumbersome without greatly benefiting the image--probably the spit should go, because you refer to his mouth in the next (yucky but good) image. There's no way to avoid this, but "His eyes are tearing" reads to me like "His eyes are ripping." You might briefly describe the tears, or note that his eyes are sticky with tears. I like the four wheels in the mud--quite vivid and tactile.
Paragraph 3:
You have a couple of good opportunities for fleshing out the Japanese "aspect" of the story here. Rather than say "as it often does in Japan," might you say "as it often does in Hokaido" or "below Mt. Fuji" or some other image more specific than Japan itself? Similarly, rather than saying "his Japanese Army Cap," is there a term for that particular type of cap that you might use instead? Since he's sitting in the rain and mud, it's almost a given that his cap and uniform would be soaked. Instead, stick to the relevant discriptions: "The uniform is tattered and filthy and ends where his body does, just below the pelvis."
Paragraph 4:
The first sentence is almost an exact duplicate of a line in the first paragraph and can be removed. The extended hand of a beggar, though sad, is a fairly standard image and can also be removed, since it's actually less important than the narrator's subsequent moment of reflection. The word "weep" has an unavoidably melodramatic, Harlequin-Romance kind of vibe and undercuts the power here; skip the narrator's crying altogether, because it gives him a moment of catharsis that almost lets him off the hook! How about this, instead: "And I did nothing to help a fellow veteran. In daydreams he often visits me."
Have you read Wilfred Owens' poem Dulce et Decorum est? It describes a soldier dying of in WWI with this couplet:
In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
Sound familiar? (In a good way, I mean!) Owens' "helpless sight" is reminiscent of your narrator's inability to escape his own daydreams, and both resonate with the horror of war.
Having now read a number of your pieces, I must confess that I don't know if they could be combined effectively in novel form. I really like how each reads on its own, but their style is more like brief prose poems than a continuous text. Perhaps, if you intend to publish at some point, you might consider that format instead? They would still weave a compelling narrative, and you'd be able to showcase the strengths of your writing style without having to shoehorn them into a different structure.
Keep the snippets coming!
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
