Crossing the Pacific (part one)

[oneighty]

The giant Martin MARS pounds heavy on the choppy seas.THe four powerful engines roar smoothly. As the flying boat picks up speed the hydrodynamic hull lifts her to the surface. She is now skimming smooth across the water. The engines sound less strained. The giant boat/plane rises heavy into the sky. There are two passengers on the airplane. A full Commander is the other one. We sit in plush cloth covered seats on the second deck. A U.S. Navy Wave is our hostess. Smiling she brings us coffee, treats and a pillow.

In morning's light we descend from our place in the sky and become a boat again as we land slick and smooth in Hawaii. I quickly decide that dress blues are not appropriate wear in the Hawaii of December 1953.I am taken by bus past vast fields of pineapple to an inland air base where I spend the night. The next morning along with one hundred other Sailors I am sitting on a canvas bench running length wise the length of the U.S.Navy four engine transport plane bound for Tokyo. We very unhappy Sailors are wearing life jackets and parachutes. This is not good.

End part one

[Orrex]

1. Nice--the diction is interesting, evocative...

To begin with, "become a boat again" is a nice turn of phrase. Though I don't ordinarily care for short, staccato sentences, the structure works here.

Your time-shift between these two paragraphs is cleverly done, which I confess is a technique whose execution eludes me. I don't know how long the flight would take, and frankly I don't care, and you wisely omit it, leaving only the takeoff and landing. Nice choice.

Good details. The "coffee, treats, and a pillow" line is understated and effective (though I wonder if she brings one pillow for everyone, or a different pillow for each? :)) The "vast fields of pineapple" are a strong image; I've never seen one, but even imagining it gives me an intense visual sense of the place.

A few trivial quibbles, which you may embrace or discard at your whim:

There's minor repetition of words and phrases that I don't think helps the text. For example, we read that the MARS "pounds heavy on the choppy seas" and then read that it "rises heavy into the sky," and the repetition of the word "heavy" seems conspicuous. I think you could omit the first "heavy" and lose nothing: The giant Martin MARS pounds the choppy seas. (especially since it's hard to pound something lightly!)

The MARS is described as having "four powerful engines," and thereafter we see a "four engine transport plane." I don't doubt that these craft do have four engines, but the repetition is again conspicuous, especially to a reader like me who barely knows a Cessna from a helicopter. Might the respective planes be summarily described in different terms?

You describe the canvas bench "running length wise the length" of the transport plane, but I think that it might read better as "running the length" instead.

Also, you mention 1953 specifically, but this moment of hard exposition seems out of place in the otherwise free-floating vibe of the scene. Might this be introduced or revealed in another way?

Like I said, these are trivial quibbles and speak more to the style of the draft than to the effectiveness of the story. Good stuff, and thanks for sharing.

I'm off to read part two...

[oneighty]

2. Yes heavy is redundant

It is necessary to say four engines to describe the giant MARS. It is also necessary to describe the second airplane as having four engines-because it did. Length wise is a nautical term. I am a sailor, but like you I believe I can describe it better. (I can close my eyes fell the canvas seat smell the fear).

This is part of a rather long 'true love story' taking place from 43 to 55. I mainly use the Martin Mars in the story because it was not long before the great seaplane was retired from service and not very many people were pleasured to fly on one. There were only two passengers on the plane, and yes a pillow for each of us. A Commander would certainly never ever share a pillow with a lowly E-5. Matter of fact he ignored me.

Recently (I am reading all of Martin Booth's writings I can get my hands on). In his book 'Jade Pavilion' he describes taking off in a smaller seaplane in very similar terms. I am proud of that as he is (Was) a great writer.

I will take your comments to heart. This is first telling of the MARS story.. It is being put into words where I will refine it. All my first drafts are hurry hurry hurry.

This is my second book. I only write for family and a close group of friends.

180

[petgoat]

3. Really good stuff here, 180

"Smell the fear" and "A Commander would certainly never ever share a
pillow with a lowly E-5. Matter of fact he ignored me."

High emotion. Why did you leave that out?