Crossing the Pacific (Part two)

[oneighty]

The plane lands at the waters edge where the landing field begins on Midway Island. Here the small contingent of Sailors appear as Zombies-lost souls walking about as if in a daze. The air is hot, thick, heavy and wet. During refueling and a short layover we wander freely about the island. Gooney birds are everywhere nesting in the sand. We walk up to the Gooney birds. It is possible to touch them; they do not see us as a danger. It is hard to believe that these docile creatures have a second life as the great Albatross gliding effortlessly across vast reaches of the ocean. In a way it is difficult to see a difference between these unfortunate Sailors stationed here and the Gooney bird. One thing is certain, the day will come when both will fly away from this island.

Soon after leaving Midway one of the four engines stops. This is not good. A voice from the cabin speaking on the loudspeaker assures us; "Do not worry I can fly this plane on one engine." Nervous now we one hundred one Sailors sit. The plane makes a safe landing on Guam where it is determined the faulty engine cannot be repaired. With three engines straining we lift into the unfriendly skies and aim for Tokyo. Near Tokyo it is apparent the wings are icing up. We lose altitude. Suddenly we are landing safely. With great sighs of relief the parachutes and life jackets come off.

I cannot speak for the other one hundred Sailors but I am scared spitless. I am happy to be back in Japan.

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[JitterbugPerfume]

1. thank you Ed

at the risk of repeating myself

I love your stories

[oneighty]

2. Well thank you Jitterbug

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[JitterbugPerfume]

3. you are welcome

oneigty

the gooney birds of midway island are interestng critters---so google tells me

[Orrex]

4. Still good stuff!

Again, really nice consciousness of time’s passage. Though huge chunks are absent, we don’t miss them, and the central action moves forward at a gentle and consistent pace. Well done. As before, the diction is effective and engaging.

Thanks to Coleridge, one can’t encounter albatrosses in writing without a sense of foreboding. And the poor Mariner was plagued by only one bird—you’ve got a whole island full of them!

Again, a few trivial critiques:

I take it that these paragraphs immediately follow part one? If so, then you needn’t repeat the “four engines” phrase again unless the number is significant. I know, for example, that four is considered unlucky by some in Japan, but even if that’s the intended reference it’s not especially well served by the repetition here. It would be sufficient to note that one of the engines gives out (and possibly via a more evocative word than “stops”).

Although I love love love the image of the albatrosses, I think that the wording could be tightened somewhat. You could probably lose the sentence “We walk up to the Gooney birds” because the preceding and subsequent sentences flow well with each other. I like the sentence “they do not see us as a danger” because it’s nonspecifically ominous.
“Gliding effortlessly” strikes me as mildly redundant, because “to glide” is more or less the opposite of “to exert effort,” and I confess that that sentence and the two that follow give me a bit of trouble. If read against the sound of the rest of the piece, these sentences seem a trifle out of tune. The “one thing is certain” bit comes across as particularly heavy, especially if, for the Sailors, “one day” comes before the beginning of the next paragraph!

I would strike “the unfriendly skies” as being discordantly colloquial and anachronistic (United’s “fly the friendly skies” campaign began in 1965). Even if it’s not a deliberate nod to the slogan, the reader can’t help making that connection. Unless we’re working on a time-traveling story, but that isn’t the vibe I’m getting…

The phrase “one hundred Sailors” basically appears twice in quick successsion; you could probably eliminate one of them without harm.

“Great sighs of relief” sounds a bit trite, like a theatrical response to dangers endured successfully. Also, part of me expects Sailors to be a little more… colorful in their expressions of relief (my apologies to any Navy personnel who might be reading this!)

But to heck with all of these quibbles. I like the feel and tone of the story so far, and these objections are, at worst, very minor.

Can you disclose the genre you’re aiming for? Is it to be a novel or a short story? And when will we see more?

[oneighty]

5. I will keep your kind suggestions

and use them when I start editing. Thank you. There are a couple more excerpts here. Kazuko (The name of the book) and the Music Box. Your comments are very constructive and appreciated.

My ISP dial up frequently cuts me off so I am used to writing short and fast. A few paragraphs at a time.

Interesting you know about four and Japan and luck? How is that?

My nickname in Japan was Yotsu Chi Chi.

180 (It was also 180, a nautical term).

[Orrex]

6. When I was young...

I had a calendar full of fun facts for each month. One month featured strange folkloric animals; another, architectural oddities; and another discussed the superstitions of different cultures. The number four in Japan was said to carry a taboo similar to the number 13 in the west. Plates and glasses are seldom sold in packages of four, for that reason (well, that's according to the calendar, and a calendar wouldn't lie to me, would it?!?)

So was the repetition of four intentional in your piece? I'd love to think that I'd stumbled onto an Easter Egg...

[oneighty]

7. Kazuko and her father

Presented me with a tea set containing four cups. I never heard of four being unlucky except-and I would have to check-when referring to dragon toes. There are good luck dragons and bad luck dragons. William Glen Bean, a shipmate had a dragon tattoo covering his back. I seem to remember it being a three toe dragon-lucky.

Of course one must believe in dragons.

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[petgoat]

8. kick to keep 1 and 2 together n/t

[oneighty]

9. Thank you petgoat

I especially like telling this story as it is a rare person living today that has flown on the mighty MARS. They were soon retired from the navy and several ended life as fire fighting (water drop) craft.

The loss of the engine on the second flight and sitting lonely among the hundred fearful sailors and wearing a life jacket (CO2 inflatable) and a parachute was a serious detriment to enjoying the return to Japan.Flying after that was never fun like before.

I am in error; I was a lowly E-4 then. You have a good point concerning the commander. Do you have experience?

This story is first draft. I will take your suggestions to heart.

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