Kazuko-A book in progress.

[oneighty]

A true story.

She brought me fresh water
In her portable vessel
And kissed it from
Her mouth to mine.

Her hands soft tender gentle caressing
Nursed me and healed all my wounds
And hand in hand my heart beating stronger
We wander her Nipponese lands.

In my delirium I am gulping down great quantities of cool, fresh sweet water. I take in more and more water I cannot get enough. I wake confused. I am burning with fever soaking wet with sweat. It is then Kazuko brings me another mouth full of water and kisses it from her mouth to mine. And like a bird I lay there mouth open for more.

With cold wet wash cloths she removes the sweat from my body. The damp cloths cooling me too. Naked she lays there beside me, her hands soft, tender, gentle caressing. She holds me close breathing softly. I sleep. Hours later I wake refreshed.

To be continued if anybody cares.

180

[JitterbugPerfume]

1. Ilove your Kazuko stories

oneighty

[oneighty]

2. Hee hee hee!

When Skinner gives me my very own forum Ms. JitterbuPerfume you will be very welcome.

180

[Orrex]

3. Creating a good atmosphere

Here the diction works especially well. Whereas in the other bits I’ve read it creates a feeling of time’s speedy passage and the protagonist’s quick observations (and does so very nicely), here it really conveys the sense of fever.

Though I’ve only seen a few of your pieces, I’m beginning to get a feel for the way you convey things, and I like it; you seem very conscious of very specific turns of phrase. For example, you don’t say “Nursed me and healed my wounds” but instead say “healed all my wounds.” A subtle and simple distinction, but in the flow of the scene it makes a big difference. Elsewhere you make similar choices to great effect.

Very effective sensuousness in the epigraph. “Portable vessel” conveys something other than a mouth, but I’m sure that this has occurred to you already. Structurally, it’s potent because the move from poetry to prose-delirium to lucidity coincides nicely with the narrator’s waking from fever. A poignant and touching (no pun intended) scene.

The scene is literally sultry; one can’t read it without feeling damp and sweat-soaked, and the physical interplay between Kazuko and the narrator is delightfully understated but palpable nonetheless.

I would suggest removing the opening phrase “in my delirium,” because the rest of the writing is strong enough to convey it without explicitly declaring it (and to state it outright actually undercuts the imagery). Consider replacing the phrase “lays there” with “lies.” “Burning with fever” and “soaking wet with sweat” come close to being cliché stock-phrases, but take care in reworking them because you don’t want to lose what they’re conveying. Perhaps along the lines of “Sweat on my chest as the fever smolders” or something like that (but less hackneyed than my suggestion).

[oneighty]

4. You are amazingly observant

Yes 'all' of my wounds, a word I chose with great care. At seventeen years old coming from a broken family and much abuse I carried a burden to Korea and to Japan. Kazuko removed most of them as I grew and she taught. I have outlined my story with a long poem; 'Batten Down the Hatches Lads the Captain Is Singing His Song" Which in turn morphed into this story 'Kazuko'. sigh


You would have to read the period from 43 on to see my burdens. Then you would understand.

Thank you. You are a welcome addition here. A tremendous aid to me.

180

[Orrex]

5. Glad to contribute

Have you posted much of the rest of the story (back to 43)? If so, I'll hunt through the archives to find more.

Interestingly, the excerpts you've posted come across as self-contained microstories or vignettes, each with a sort of completeness unto itself. Reading them in pieces this way further imbues them with a dreamlike air, like a recollection from years later.

[petgoat]

6. Very insightful, Orrex

You point something out and I say to myself "yes, that's obvious--and
why didn't I notice it myself?"

[Orrex]

7. Kick because this is one of my favorites

Ignore my chattering upthread--the important stuff is in Ed's OP.