After the Storm: New Orleans 2005 (looking for criticism, 1st rewrite

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

(Read it out loud please, maybe someone will hear even though we know that you will)



I heard the spray paint through the wall.

Twice.

Psssst, tsp.

Psssst, tsp.

The sound of a red X.



Before the paint I heard.

My mother ask me to care for Dad

And breath her last.

My father ask for water.

And breath his last.

I heard my sobs from far away.

Even though the water rose.

I heard the lapping water
Slowly still.

I heard the buzzing flies
and far off dogs
looking for their masters.

Oww! Owwwwww!

I heard the silence.

I heard the helicopters overhead.

I heard time.
No ticking, no Big Ben.
I heard time creep into my bones.

Lay me down, lay me down.

I heard the splashes of feet and legs
Coming toward the house.

My heart jumped,

They're finally coming. They're coming.

I heard the legs and feet
Splashing through my house.

They're here. Thank God, they're here.

I heard the sighs.

I heard them leave.

Thank God, I'm finally safe.

I heard the spray paint through the wall.

I think I'll stay here for a while.

[existentialist]

1. your poem

It's a good poem. I guess what you really need, however, are comments from people that were there. That does not include me.

[JitterbugPerfume]

2. your poem is disturbing

on many levels

It reminded me (and a friend) of the old testement story of the Passover


When the blood (signified by the red paint) of a sacrificial lamb was applied to the door post the first born was spared


or am I reading to much into this ?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

3. I think the symbolism of marking a home was established by that

story.

Thanks.

[uts2641]

4. more of a technical suggestion

Before the paint I heard.

My mother ask me to care for Dad

And breath her last.

My father ask for water.

And breath his last.

-------

I suggest you make the punctuation the same here, so they are symmetrical and flow in the same manner.

I would add a period after "Dad" to emphasize the finality of her request.

You may have this punctuation on your end already and if so, good. I'm just commenting on what I can see here.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

5. Great point. You know your stuff....

And a belated welcome to DU!