Which opening has more punch?

[BigMcLargehuge]

Poll question: Which opening has more punch?

Here are two openings to the same story. Which one is punchier?

Opening 1 -


Kintaro Koboyashi sat at the bow, cloistered from captain and crew, and while the others prayed to Mizu no Kamisama, the protector of fishermen, he pondered the gravity of their situation and prepared for death. Kintaro knew the fickle nature of the gods well enough. He understood that no amount of prostration would convince the gods to release wind to drive them or clouds to shelter them or rain to slake their maddening thirst. Was it not the gods who unleashed the typhoon against the Sanshi-maru? Was it not the gods who cast the little fishing boat hither and yon across the vast expanse of sea? Was it not the gods who tore three of their companions from their lashings and drowned them? And was it not the gods who not held them fast on the featureless mirror-like ocean with no food but rotten tuna and no water except the scant dew that could be licked from the deck before first light? Koboyashi vowed that when death came it would meet him here, on the bow, and he would be fearless and when called to stand before the gods and account for his life, Koboyashi vowed to spit upon them.

The deckhands sat or lay around the base of the single mast. They had since given up prayer for rest and the hope that inactivity would stave off the thirst that clawed their throats like a tiger. The oldest of the men, Shima, tapped prayer beads strung at his waist but by now it was more a habit than a plea. He stared across the deck into the desperate eyes of the other deckhands then up into the limitless clarity of the azure blue sky. He whispered, “We are cursed.”

Cursed. The word spread like fire across the lips and minds of the men. Cursed. All eyes turned momentarily to Kintaro Koboyashi. Such though were natural as he was the newest of the crew, had never fished before, was unknown in the Fukuoka port, and seemed to have no past of which to speak. The crew understood that they would have to deal with him, and soon, to appease the gods and bring back the wind.

Shima volunteered to placate Mizu no Kamisama and slipped an iron gaff in his sash before creeping towards the bow.


Opening 2 -

Kintaro Koboyashi sat cross-legged, cloistered from captain and crew, at the bow of the little fishing boat. While the others prayed to Mizu no Kamisama, the protector of fishermen, he pondered the gravity of their situation and prepared for death. Kintaro knew the fickle nature of the gods well enough. Was it not the gods who threw him out of favor with the Edo court and drove him mercilessly from his station as captain of the Imperial Guard, and now, as in the past, the gods frowned upon him and those around him? Was it not the gods who unleashed the typhoon against the Sanshi-maru that cast the little fishing boat hither and yon across the vast expanse of sea? And was it not the gods who now held them fast on the mirror-like ocean with no food but rotten tuna and no water except the scant dew licked from the deck before first light?

Koboyashi vowed that when death came it would meet him here, on the bow. He would be fearless and when called to stand before Yakushi Nyorai and The Twelve Heavenly Ministers to account for his life, Koboyashi swore to spit upon them.

The deckhands sat or lay around the base of the single mast. They had since given up prayer for rest and the hope that inactivity would stave off the thirst that clawed their throats like a tiger. The oldest of the men, Shima, tapped prayer beads strung at his waist but by now it was more a habit than a plea. He stared across the deck into the desperate eyes of the other deckhands then up into the limitless clarity of the azure blue sky. He whispered, “We are cursed.”

Cursed. The word spread like fire across the lips and minds of the men. Cursed. All eyes turned momentarily to Kintaro Koboyashi. Such though were natural as he was the newest of the crew, had never fished before, was unknown in the Fukuoka port, and seemed to have no past of which to speak. The crew understood that they must break the curse and appease the gods to bring back the wind.

"I will placate Mizu no Kamisama." Shima, the oldest of the crew, slipped an iron gaff in his sash and crept towards the bow.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. They are very similar, but.......

I think that the second opening has a bit more punch.

The first paragraph is just bit leaner. And this is good.......

You might consider either cutting that first paragraph into two...or editing it to say the same things in fewer words.

It is very descriptive, but it's easy to get lost in the prose.

Nonetheless, I LIKE it! I'd like to see how the story continues, and how it works out.....

Did you see mine? I'd love to have you comment on it, if you'd like...

[frogmarch]

2. Both openings were

excellent, but what set the two apart for me were the last paragraphs. I chose Opening 2, because the last paragraph brought the scene to life for me by letting me hear Shima speak.

The last paragraph in Opening 1 was telling.

The last paragraph in Opening 2 was showing.

[sybylla]

3. IMHO, I like #1 better.

I prefer #1 because I think for an opening, it creates more tension. You set the stage for all that is to come next, as a good opening should. You relate just enough detail about Kintaro to make me wonder all the more about him and why he is where he is. It is clear that there is so much more to know and that creates interest and keeps readers turning the page.

Plus, the lean narrative sweeps us without delay right into the action - a fight. There's nothing like action to entrance the reader.

In opening 1, I learn that Kintaro is on a boat, has suffered at the hands of fickle gods, has suffered enough that he readily prepares for death if that should be what the gods have in store. We already know by the end of the first paragraph that Kintaro has been through a great deal, perhaps an ordeal, his attitude toward his gods tells us he has been wronged. And his separation from the rest of the crew tells us that this boat is not where he belongs. In short order, and not surprisingly, the crew decides he is the root of their problems rather than the fickle gods. He will win his fight with Shima and the crew because he has nothing to lose. I'm hooked.

You are setting the stage for a fight. It's consequences are life and death. You had me at "spit on them." For me, the extra details in opening 2 just get in the way, slowing the story down, reducing the tension rather than adding to it. Don't show all your cards before they need to be played. The typhoon, the Edo court, the Imperial Guard, the Twelve Heavenly Ministers - there is plenty of time for that later. They are unnecessary details that add little and more importantly distract me, the reader, from your purpose: the fight and its outcome.

Get rid of the chaff, keep the wheat and stick with #1, though I agree that you should use the last line of #2 instead - keep it active as much as possible. This is a tale of heroic action and nothing says action like people speaking and doing.

Very nice, all in all, BigMcLargeHuge! Thank you for sharing.