Red State Broads - "Yard Sale, City-wide" - Part 10, final!

[stevietheman]

http://broadwood.blogspot.com

The city-wide yard sale draws to a conclusion.

    BEULAH stands next to her table and stares at the
    centerpiece, which is her old curler set.  She gets a dazed
    look.
 
    FLASH BACK to BEULAH using her curlers the last time.  At a
    Sunday church service, we hear a PASTOR off-screen ad-lib
    delivering his sermon while PANNING across a pew, where we
    see, one at a time, several middle-aged and older CHURCH
    MEMBERS sitting down.  After a couple empty spaces, BEULAH
    comes into view.  Her hair is set very pretty, but it's
    glowing in a nuclear manner.  She wears a pleasant half-smile
    while staring forward.  Streams of sweat are beginning to
    drizzle down her face, yet she maintains her composure. 
    After a pause, continue the PAN to BETTY, who is sitting next
    to BEULAH.  As she glances back and forth between BEULAH and
    the PASTOR, BETTY looks very sickly, as if about to
    regurgitate.
 
    BACK TO PRESENT.
 
    BETTY notices BEULAH and walks over.  BEULAH doesn't see that
    BETTY has walked up beside her, but recognizes her presence.
 
                        BEULAH
                  (soft)
              Honey, make sure nobody tests these
              suckers before walking off with them.
 
                        BETTY
                  (bemused)
              OK, Momma.

...

                        LINDA
              Before she rode in with Beulah to the
              hospital, Betty asked me throw away these
              old curlers.  She seemed desperate.
 
                        PAT
              Nope.  Sorry.  We could get into trouble
              with the garbage collectors if that gets
              in our trash.  Something about certain
              metals and chemicals, or such, that's in
              those old heating curlers.  Damned
              environmentalists.  They just don't
              realize that if you can't just throw away
              anything, some people go totally berserk.
 
                        LINDA
              Yeap.

[Orrex]

1. Hello Stevietheman!

I've enjoyed reading your excerpts here--thanks for posting them.

I have a few (very) small suggestions about format and structure, and you are of course free to embrace or discard them as you wish.

In terms of format, it's my understanding that a character's name should be in ALLCAPS only when that character is introduced and when that character has a spoken line. Otherwise, the name should be capitalized as it would be in ordinary writing. Like this:

INT. KITCHEN - (DAY)
BETTY SMITH is sitting at the table opposite PATTY JONES.
Betty fumbles with her napkin before crumbling it and dropping
it to the floor. Pat shakes her had sadly.

PAT
Accidents happen.

Betty nods.

BETTY
I still don't like them.

And so on...

Also, I don't know that it's conventional to divide a meant-for-screen script into Acts. If you're aiming for a play, then that's fine, but it doesn't map well to the 30-minute format.

Sluglines: Unless lighting conditions vary between Friday and Saturday, I don't think that you need to specify the day of the week--just DAY or NIGHT or the like.

In scene descriptions, avoid language like "presumably with BEULAH and BETTY inside." Either they're in it or not--the goal is to make the action clear to the director and actors, even if it's obscure to the viewer. "Presumably" creates ambiguity where you don't want it.

On a stylistic note, I'd advise paring down your dialogue. It isn't bad, but as it stands it a trifle wordy. Consider this:

LINDA
Before she rode in with Beulah to the
hospital, Betty asked me throw away these
old curlers. She seemed desperate.

PAT
Nope. Sorry. We could get into trouble
with the garbage collectors if that gets
in our trash. Something about certain
metals and chemicals, or such, that's in
those old heating curlers. Damned
environmentalists. They just don't
realize that if you can't just throw away
anything, some people go totally berserk.

becomes

LINDA
(shows curlers) Betty said to get rid
of these.

PAT
We'll get in trouble. Chemicals or
something. Damned environmentalists don't
care that people go crazy if they can't
throw stuff away.

Linda doesn't need to refer to the curlers in speech if she's holding them, and it doesn't really matter when Betty asked Linda to throw them away, at least not to the point that we need to hear it in dialogue. I mean, if Betty told Linda, and Betty's no longer on the scene, we can infer that Betty told her prior to exiting, right?

Pat's "nope" and "sorry" are basically superfluous, because the important part of her line is "we'll get in trouble." Similarly, "something about certain chemicals" is a bit wordy.

I admit that mine is a very rough revision, but you get the idea. Scripted dialogue needs to be parsimonious. Otherwise, even if it makes it to the production stage, the director will cut out whole passages anyway. Heck, concise and effective dialogue is valuable in any writing, so it will be a general benefit to your other work if you practice it in your scripts!

Here's a rule of thumb: the average spoken line in made-for-tv dialogue is four words in length. For every 50 word monologue, you have 100 lines of "Yeah" or "No" or "Hi" to offset the average.

Of course, these are hardly immutable laws, but they're good guidelines to consider if you intend to submit a script for consideration. Check out Robert McKee's highly recommended Story for some in-depth and very practical advice.


Thanks again for sharing--please post a heads-up about your future efforts, too!

[stevietheman]

2. Thanks for the suggestions!

I will seriously consider each and everyone of the points you bring up. I very much appreciate the time you put into writing your response.

Regarding the script being split up into acts, this was done to demarcate where the commercials go. There's a particular effect achieved with how the show is segmented that I feel lends to the potency of the story.

From what I've learned so far about writing television scripts, there is a standard, but there are also deviations from the standard rampant in the industry. My approach was borrowed from the style used for Malcolm in the Middle. But I will definitely compare your script style suggestions to the MitM style to see if I screwed anything up.

Tomorrow, I will be releasing the full script in PDF format in a new "Red State Broads" blog entry. This will constitute the third draft, which is a rewrite (for the blog) of the second draft I had earlier submitted to the Situation: Comedy contest. Ultimately, I will write the fourth/final draft that I hope would become "submission quality."

I am also developing Episode 2 for the show, which I plan to start releasing in blog entries in late June.

And here's a DU exclusive :) -- Episode 2 is entitled "Hard Corn".