All suggestions that follow are yours to accept or reject without obligation, of course. I think that you've got a lot going on here that's worth exploring. There are a few stylistic and technical critiques, but nothing fatal.
First, it seems to me that, in some places, you lack faith in the strength of your writing. A number of times you have a powerful vibe going on, only to weaken it by waving a flag that says "here's a powerful vibe." For example, consider this passage:
Now his words were hitting home. They were hard in the little beach house. He stared at her, nostrils flaring, blue eyes fixed on her own. No tender looks today. None. He spoke of his stark reality, and then it was hers too.
He was dying. Nothing any doctor could do. He had maybe a year, or two if he was lucky and careful.
If you omit
He was dying. Nothing any doctor could do, you accomplish exactly the same thing, but it's stronger because the fact of his impending death is allowed to stand on its own, rather than being spelled out with two (ultimately redundant) intro sentences.
A similar example:
The news had stabbed her. All she could think was how unfair, how horrifying. How could he be dying? She wanted to scream, to cry, to run away and take him someplace safe.
I'd say that you can remove
How could he be dying? without losing anything. Incidentally, "horrifying" seems a little forced here; the word itself is a trifle flat (too easy an adjective, that is), and in any case it's my sense that one usually
feels that something is horrifying, rather than thinking it. This may seem like a minor quibble, but if you overplay the emotion of the scene, then it can quickly become maudlin and heavy-handed.
And another example:
Just as she had on that long-ago day.
Even though there hadn’t been any storm then, Will’s words had chilled and frightened her. She knew that he was not a well man, that all his life, he’d had severe lung disease. But it had progressed beyond all belief.
It's clear that you're crafting a parallel between the onset of the storm and the upsurge of her emotions and grief--although that approaches a cliche, it can stil work if you handle it carefully. But the phrase
Even though there hadn't been a storm then sort of bops the reader on the head with the metaphor. You could even go right from "long-ago day" to "Will's words" without losing anything. Later, you write that "she felt as though the squall was travelling right through her." This, too, is overplaying the metaphor, but if you're intent on keeping it, I'd urge you to consider changing "travelling" to something a bit less leisurely-sounding.
Likewise, the sentence "Her memories were chaotic" is pretty flat. You're much better off allowing your description of her memories to demonstrate the upheaval, instead of stating it outright. If you have to
tell the reader that they're chaotic, chances are you haven't made them convincingly so. Trust your writing to do its own heavy lifting!
Now, a comment on style.
A number of times through the piece I got the sense that you were pushing too hard to convince the reader of Kate's grief. I already mentioned "horrifying," but she's also "terrified," "chilled," "frightened," "helpless," "vulnerable," "breathless," "shaking," "sobbing," "frozen," "enraged," "weeping uncontrollably," "howling with pain," "thrown about," "a swinging pendulum," "overwhelmed with grief," and "scoured," to name a few. In the aggregate, and in a piece of this brevity, these weighty words can quickly overpower the text and make it seem a caricature. Rather than amplifying her emotional state, it trivializes it--exactly the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.
Similarly, the storm is distractingly melodramatic in its fury. It roars, it howls, it slashes, it shakes, it's immutable, etc. Again, the effect is to make it a cartoon, rather than a believably terrifying force of nature. The good news is that this is pretty easy to fix. Pull back from the grandiose word-choice and work instead with simpler yet more evocative descriptions. The effect will be a more pure and real-seeming storm.
A thought about structure:
The great majority of the sentences in this piece are simple subject-verb constructions with very little variance. Over the course of the story this can become distractingly monotonous and predictable, which is especially problematic when you're hoping to portray the chaos of the storm and Kate's memories. Take a look at how you've crafted your sentences and see if you can mix it up a little.
A note about word-choice:
This is a comparatively short piece, but I noticed some words and phrases whose conspicuous repetition didn't seem really effective. "Howl," "sob," "death," "slash," "tears," and "dying" each shows up three times, often repeated in the same context or image. "Tranquil" appears twice, as does "chill," "terrified," and "fear." Something is described as "beyond all belief," and another thing is "unbelievable." You also use the phrase "even now" in two rather similar constructions.
These can all become very heavy in the reader's ear and thereby distract from the text. This might likewise seem a petty quibble, but you need to be aware of the cumulative as well as the individual impact of your word choices.
Since the story has one female character, it's sufficient to name her at the beginning and thereafter refer to her as "her," except when you're hoping for a particular impact by the use of her name. But as it stands, when you use her name it implies a significance that isn't quite borne out. If you feel that you absolutely must use her name again, save it for the end when she actually steps out into the storm. Otherwise it seems vaguely portentous but without a payoff.
I'd have to say that the epilogue is the weakest part and actually drags down the story. Everyone who's reading the piece will understand that Kate is walking out to her death, so we don't really need to see her corpse in order to get the point. Try omitting it altogether to see what I mean. The story stands just fine without it.
The part where she fears that she might be responsible for his death makes no sense to me. He's been unhealthy his whole life, and he suffered a fatal illness; how could she be responsible? She might
feel responsible for it, but that's a very different prospect, and you should articulate the reason for her feeling rather than racing past it. Also, the parts about "digging her hands into her arms" and cutting off the circulation just don't ring true to me.
But in spite of all that, you have some really poignant phrases, too:
There was no urgency.
But there was no safe place.
No tender looks today.
For the first time, she was unable to help him at all. (that one is especially nice, becase you specify that it was the
first time, thereby pointing it its particular significance to her.)
I also really like the two mentions of the wing-back chair, which may be the mose effectively subtle pairing in the piece. You allow the chair to appear twice, and you let the reader make the connection without spelling it out explicitly. Very nice!
Stories about unbearably intense grief are difficult to write because it's so easy to go over the top. While I think you've gone a little too far in some places, there's nothing that can't be reworked easily to produce a powerful scene. It's obvious that a big part of Kate died along with Will (a name which, one can't help noticing, suggests the "
will to live"), and this whole scene represents the final part of her death throes. That's an interesting angle, this "real" death following a spiritual/emotional death, and I'm curious to see what you do with it in revision.
Good luck, and please share your progress with us!
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