If anyone is interested...

[Neoma]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6757148&mesg_id=6757148

[Orrex]

1. Well...

I suspect that the lack of response is due at least in part to the relative inaccessibility of the piece. Overall, I have to say that I'm more than a little confused, and I'm simply not sure what to make of this passage. Some of the word choices are obscure, and there's a kind of sporadic rhyme scheme going on that I find a little jarring, possibly because I don't grasp the intent. I'll see what I can offer…

I am restless, I am bored, I am jittery and I have a boost of hyperactivity. The lines of my eyes are deep in cut and wrinkles show the world how time slits us up. I awake the day into a golden story and I lay a dead mass on your blades in glory.

I find the phrases "deep in cut" and "slits us up" a bit troublesome; I suspect that they're aiming for a particular vibe or image, but I'm not sure that they're effective in this regard. Instead, they appear twisted into service of the near-rhyme, which can be problematic if that seems to be their whole purpose. Also "blades in glory" is phonetically very similar to "Blaze of Glory," which evokes Bon Jovi, and "Blades of Glory," which evokes Will Ferrell. If this isn't your intent, be careful how the words come together!

By all vague parade in play, the seething of this shade of laze, twists in grossed around the entrance of his fatal wound. His frown and scream orbits the air and all surrounds without great care. I command all dearest friends to leave, in order for a lock on all the sleaze.

Okay, I admit that I have no idea what's going on here. Some of it is simply opaque to me (what does "twists in grossed around" mean?), and some strikes me as awkward phrasing (surrounds without great care). Am I just being dense? What am I missing?

None in line of fire ever sought to seek the wisdom of this hour. Barbs of wire struck my arms, which drew lines in the front. My face grew sour in its bloody sunk and I go in haunt of my sorry state. On the soles of my feet I grab the nearest man whose incomplete emotion caught my eyes of late. “Do you not see that death lays over there, the agitation in uproar, the whirl of plague hitting your stare?” his eyes stirred and gripped my arms and in hesitated pain I anticipated that his mind was in repair.

Again, the ecclectic phrasing and structure are giving me trouble. In addition, there's some conflicting info that makes it difficult for me to parse. Do the man's eyes grip the narrator's arms? Does the narrator hesitate and anticipate? "Sought to seek" is curiously redundant, as is "soles of my feet" (does anything besides a foot and a fish have a sole?) "Barbs of wire" is a nice image, however, playing well against the familiar and well-known "barbed wire."

“Dare to fault my sanity with exhaustion?” He drooped his brow and hinted an evil sound. “Hide away from my guise, find a place elsewhere...or maybe over snare.” He pushed me back toward the bloody fence where I found my eyelids sleepy in midst of all distress.

I don't know what it means to "hide away from my guise," nor what "maybe over snare" might indicate.

With a sigh and a cough my body was carried out into mystery, and I wake up here with someone pestering me. My mind elapsed into your nitpicking and I tell for your pleasured sake. Be gone when my pulse is shared and I may leave my heart altogether scared in by logic unanswered.

Again, the quirky word choice makes this passage difficult for me to parse. What does it mean to say "my mind elapsed?"

To be frank, the piece comes across as a lot of verbal flash without much substance. I read similar works in college, and always the impression was that the writer was trying to sound impressive. I have no idea of what's going on or what I should expect to happen.

I have the sense that you're aiming for a quasi-poetic diction, but I'm not sure to what end, and if there's something to be read here I'm afraid that it's obscured by the phrasing.

Perhaps I'm simply not "getting it," but the current format is inaccessible to me, and unfortunately it doesn't incline me to probe further to gain an understanding of the text.

Could you provide some clue as to how the reader should approach it?

[Neoma]

2. If you insist.

I usually tell the person to read it over and over until they make sense of it. Read it slowly. I dislike using overused phrasing and I avoid it to stop being cliche. You have to carry off your imagination to figure it out, it's not the usual 2-dimensional here.

I find the phrases "deep in cut" and "slits us up" a bit troublesome; I suspect that they're aiming for a particular vibe or image, but I'm not sure that they're effective in this regard. Instead, they appear twisted into service of the near-rhyme, which can be problematic if that seems to be their whole purpose. Also "blades in glory" is phonetically very similar to "Blaze of Glory," which evokes Bon Jovi, and "Blades of Glory," which evokes Will Ferrell. If this isn't your intent, be careful how the words come together!

If you read the whole story you get the idea that he's in a hospital room, he's trying to scare the nurse or doctor by saying this. 'Blades in glory' means that he's defeated. All in all, the glory comes from telling the story in his own way, which by the way. Happens to be in poetry. ;)

Okay, I admit that I have no idea what's going on here. Some of it is simply opaque to me (what does "twists in grossed around" mean?), and some strikes me as awkward phrasing (surrounds without great care). Am I just being dense? What am I missing?

They were in a crowd, everyone was getting rather lazy when someone got shot.

Again, the ecclectic phrasing and structure are giving me trouble. In addition, there's some conflicting info that makes it difficult for me to parse. Do the man's eyes grip the narrator's arms? Does the narrator hesitate and anticipate? "Sought to seek" is curiously redundant, as is "soles of my feet" (does anything besides a foot and a fish have a sole?) "Barbs of wire" is a nice image, however, playing well against the familiar and well-known "barbed wire."

No one wanted to find out who shot the man. (And of course the whole story is fighting against the familiar.) He got cut up by a fence and he gets out of it in a 'sorry state'. Soles are on a persons feet, he has shoes on. :P He grabs someone whose emotion didn't fit. The man gripped his arms, which were cut up. And then he decided that the guy was crazy.

I don't know what it means to "hide away from my guise," nor what "maybe over snare" might indicate.

Guise: "a disguised or false appearance" He believed the person who grabbed him suspected him. He was the murderer. The snare was the wire he got entangled in before.

Again, the quirky word choice makes this passage difficult for me to parse. What does it mean to say "my mind elapsed?"

Elapsed: the passage or termination of a period of time; lapse. He was talking about how much time was wasted by the person he was talking to.

To be frank, the piece comes across as a lot of verbal flash without much substance. I read similar works in college, and always the impression was that the writer was trying to sound impressive. I have no idea of what's going on or what I should expect to happen.

I'm not in college, no need to impress.

I have the sense that you're aiming for a quasi-poetic diction, but I'm not sure to what end, and if there's something to be read here I'm afraid that it's obscured by the phrasing.

Maybe that's the point, obscurity I mean. Anyone can look through the obscure if they try hard enough, most people just don't even try.