First chapter of current novel

[DavidDvorkin]

I put the first chapter of my current novel up on my blog (see below) and would be grateful for any reactions from people here. It's not in context, but it's likely to be the first thing an agent would see, assuming some agent asks to see a partial, so I'm interested in how it strikes a reader who knows nothing about the book.

TIA.

[nadinbrzezinski]

1. I'll gladly critique it tomorrow

but as a general statememt

use things like critique ciricle, otherwise it's been published

[HamdenRice]

2. A couple of comments

These are not so much a critique as a series of questions that the instructor of my writing workshop would probably ask if she had read this piece.

She always emphasized thinking about the main stuctural and technical choices a writer makes. For example, it seems that you have chosen to use third person omniscient narratation. If the story is eventually going to be about a particular soldier, will this choice help or hinder you in telling one person's story?

You have set the action of the first paragraphs on a particular date in 1945. That date, and the use of the word "soldier" in the title is going to lead most readers to conclude that the blast has something to do with World War II. But if you are so very specific about the date of the blast, why have you chosen not to tell the reader of the geographic setting? Is this somewhere on the frontlines in France? In civilian Germany? Japan? The fact that one character is a woman and the place is a factory would suggest that this is a civilian city under bombardment. Or is it a stateside explosion in a factory? Strategically, what do you like to accomplish by providing some information (the specific date) and withholding other information (the location) about the setting of the blast?

The use of two different stories set in different places eight years apart sets up an expectation in the reader that they are related. Or, perhaps that these are two stories that are going to collide. That creates some suspense and tension which is good. It also creates some confusion. There is a trade off, as usual, and the question is whether the value of the suspense is greater than the value of the confusion.

My instructor always, always questioned any writer's decision not to name a character. Neither of the characters in the blast paragraphs are named. Dolores, Mom and Hank are named in the roadside accident paragraphs. She would put it this way: what is the writer seeking to accomplish by withholding the names of the characters in the first paragraphs? Is the writer withholding a link between the two stories that would be made obvious if one of the characters in the blast scene had the same name as one of the characters in the accident scene?

The murder and hint that there will be many murders certainly immediately creates suspense. But it also raises the question of how the murders are related to the war.

Hope that helps!

[sybylla]

3. Couple of thoughts

Before I say anything about your chapter I want you to know, writer to writer, that I think criticism is the hardest thing to ask for and the hardest thing to give. I like your story and hope you'll take my criticisms in the spirit in which they are intended - to help you - which, I assume, is why you asked.

The first chapter of anything has to accomplish so much more than the subsequent chapters. One of the most important is to give the reader a reason to read on, whether that's by helping the reader empathize with the characters, by creating a plausible, intriguing and suspenseful mystery, or by giving us an irresistable setting or character to latch onto.

In my first chapters, I try to look at the story as a whole and think about the possible carrots I can dangle before the reader's eyes - maybe choose something that's important to know early on having to do with a character, situation or setting or something when as part of a whole is obvious but alone seems unique and intriguing. Think of each chapter being a gift to the reader and inside each is a surprise - another layer of the story, another facet of a character, another clue in the mystery, or maybe all three - something that will tease them to go down this path with you, that will hint at the fabulous climax that awaits them.

As I read your first chapter, I'm not feeling a reason to move on. There's no detailed setting or 3D character to connect to or to attract me, the mystery is cryptic and unapproachable, the dialog is thin and tells little about the people involved. That's not to say you're on the wrong track. I think your first chapter has great potential. I just don't think you're captializing on it yet. Your instinct to hold back in the first chapter is right on - that's how you create tension and suspense. But if you hold back too much, the reader doesn't trust that there'll be any payoff if they keep reading. As an exercise, pick up a couple of your favorite books and read the first chapters from a writer's perspective. You'll see their strength lies in helping the reader connect on a visceral level to something or someone in it.

Second, your description is somewhat flat. We have five senses and if you use more of them as you describe settings and people, your reader will connect more directly with your story. The viewpoint character or even the omniscient narrator if that's the way you're going, can taste the dust in the air from the explosion, they can smell the odors of sulfur and burnt flesh wafting from the rubble. They can feel the unsure footing and hear the shifting debris beneath their feet or know the sensation of grabbing Delores' gritty wrist after the accident. There's so much more you can say with just a sentence here or a few words there to help the reader feel like they are walking, waiting, skulking and hiding right there beside your characters.

Of course I mention these things because these are the places where I struggle not only in the first chapter but throughout my stories. Others may have different suggestions. I believe your's is a fine "roughish" draft as you say. Now you need to take some time to think about ways you can make it better. I definitely want to encourage you to do so.

[DavidDvorkin]

4. Thanks, HamdenRice and sybylla

I really appreciate your taking the time.

Lack of tactile detail has always been a flaw in my writing. I try to remember to add it when I revise, but I'm often afraid that the result will be artificial or forced. I wish I could include it in the first writing, but I never have developed that ability.

Although I called the section Chapter One, it's really a prolog. I was going to label it that way, or not label it at all, but prologs have fallen out of favor, so I took the coward's way out. Unfortunately, that implies that it will contain more plot than it actually does. I don't know what to do about that.

But I will continue to ponder, as I whack away at the manuscript as a whole. Thanks again, very much.

[nadinbrzezinski]

5. David as promised

anyhow, sent you the critique over PM

[DavidDvorkin]

6. Thanks, nadinbrzezinski

Received it but haven't had a chance to read it yet.

[nadinbrzezinski]

7. You welcome the formating is not what I wished

but doing that over the PM system is not that easy. Hope it helps though

[DavidDvorkin]

8. No problem

The formatting of the chpater on my blog didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, either. Blogger tends to think it knows better than the people who use it to blog.

[DavidDvorkin]

9. Finished, finally

Fifteen years in the making! Well, in the sense that I worked on it on and off for fifteen years, while also writing various other things.

Anyway, it's done and off to three beta readers, and my brain is complete mush. Next step is the, ugh, agent search.

[DavidDvorkin]

10. I hate writing query letters

Blech.