If anyone is hanging out here today, I could really use some feedback ...

[OneGrassRoot]

As a reminder, I'm working on a novel (ghostwriting...with my background primarily in non-fiction...quite a challenge for me). Today I am trying to do the business end of things as we must submit the first 18 pages of the manuscript, along with a one-page query and one-page synopsis.

Would you please read the following and tell me what you think? Would this work for the query letter perhaps? I could simply expand upon this for the short synopsis (condensing a 400-page book into two pages is a pain in the behind, to say the least....x(


"In honoring her beloved Grandmama's startling final request to carry her ashes from their family home in North Carolina to the Louisiana bayou, Melody Bennet finds herself immersed in the clandestine, deep-rooted world of ancient West African religion. A research specialist, accustomed to finding information she needs in any given situation, Melody must step far outside her comfort zone by proceeding on blind faith as she navigates unfamiliar cultures and belief systems in the exotic, sometimes hostile, settings of New Orleans and the southern Louisiana swamps. As she struggles to embrace a new way of seeing the world and her role in it - and all the dangers therein - she discovers buried truths about her family, about humankind, and about herself. She quickly learns how a change in perception and perspective can shift one's course in an instant.

When she unearths a mysterious sacred manuscript, those in power, and those who seek such power, threaten her life and the lives of loved ones. Her apparent – though previously unimaginable – destiny challenges her physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Through a series of revelations, Melody's journey peels back the scarred, painful layers of Humanity's history, exposing such tragedies and parallels as the African Diaspora and what is now called the Katrina Diaspora. As she awakens to new perspectives and more enlightened perceptions about religion, spirituality and civilization, she unwittingly gets closer to unveiling a centuries-old guarded prophecy, one which impacts our collective past, present and future."

[OneGrassRoot]

1. slight edit (weird, it wouldn't let me edit the post itself)

Rather than saying, "In honoring..." (two "ing" words in same sentence a no-no), how about:

"Carrying out her beloved Grandmama's startling final request to take her recently-cremated ashes to the Louisiana bayou, Melody Bennet..."

and

"A research specialist living in North Carolina..."

[Why Syzygy]

2. hmm

In changing the "ing", you still ended up with two of them. "CarryING"
Maybe change to past tense, "ed", or to current action. Just my 2 pesos.

I would lose the comma after "those in power,". Sounds interesting!

ps: The edit option is only available for one hour after the post.

[OneGrassRoot]

3. Good grief, I'm going insane !!! LOL

I wrote it down wrong.


Still not thrilled but went with:

"In carrying out her beloved Grandmama's troublesome request..."

Thanks for the input about the comma as well; I tend to be overzealous in the use of commas.

Couldn't think of an alternative to "carrying out"; troublesome doesn't end in "ing", but not quite what I'm after. I'll keep looking.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Why Syzygy]

5. Commas can be troublesome.

I once wrote a three page letter for a friend. Everyone loved it, thought it was rather amazing even, and it accomplished its intended purpose. However, after it was delivered and I kept reading it, I went into writer's remorse big time. TOO MANY COMMAS!!! The only effect of that scenario was that I cut way back on comma usage. They didn't bother anyone else.

Having said that, it seems to me that the other comma in that sentence, after "seek such power" should remain. Since comma usage depends on pause stations in the read, they can be a bit ambiguous.

I had a minor secret agenda when I posted about The Artist's Way. I'm thiking while you are rewriting, maybe a walk or an hour spent doing something fun might clear your mind to better tackle the task with a fresh eye. :blush:

[OneGrassRoot]

4. Okay, how about this version:

"In carrying out her beloved Grandmama's highly unexpected request to take her ashes to the Louisiana bayou, Melody Bennet finds herself immersed in the clandestine, deep-rooted world of ancient West African religion. A research specialist living in North Carolina, accustomed to finding information she needs in any given situation, Melody must step far outside her comfort zone by proceeding on blind faith as she navigates unfamiliar cultures and belief systems in the exotic, sometimes hostile, settings of New Orleans and the southern Louisiana swamps. As she struggles to embrace a new way of seeing the world and her role in it - and all the dangers therein - she discovers buried truths about her family, about humankind, and about herself. She quickly learns how a change in perception and perspective can shift one's course in an instant.

When she unearths a mysterious sacred manuscript, those in power and those who seek such power threaten her life and the lives of loved ones. Her apparent – though previously unimaginable – destiny challenges her physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Through a series of revelations, Melody's journey peels back the scarred, painful layers of Humanity's history, exposing such tragedies and parallels as the African Diaspora and what is now known as the Katrina Diaspora. As she awakens to new perspectives and more enlightened perceptions about religion, spirituality and civilization, she unwittingly gets closer to unveiling a centuries-old guarded prophecy, one which impacts our collective past, present and future."

[valerief]

6. There are a lot of modifiers.

Note: either "an ancient West Africa religion" or "ancient West African religions"

"Observing her late Grandmama's request to take her ashes to the Louisiana bayou, Melody Bennet finds herself immersed in the clandestine world of (an?) ancient West African religion(s?). A North Carolina research specialist, she proceeds on blind faith through the exotic and sometimes hostile New Orleans and the southern Louisiana swamps, uncovering truths about her family, humankind, and herself.

"After unearthing a mysterious sacred manuscript, Melody finds her life and the lives of loved ones threatened. Her new perspectives on religion, spirituality, and civilization coincide with the unveiling of a centuries-old prophecy, one affecting our collective past, present and future."

[OneGrassRoot]

7. Sweet! That's brilliant...

and helps tremendously. Why can I pare down others' words and never my own?

I just read a suggestion to act as though the protagonist is writing the synopsis in the third person. For some reason, that clicked and may be the perspective I need. We shall see...

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom. :hug:

[Orrex]

8. "Why can I pare down others' words and never my own?"

A thousand years ago I was in a few college stage productions, usually portraying such weighty characters as "Barfly #4" or "Student with Book." But whatever my role, and however small it was, I was always amazed that my lines were the difficult ones, while in my wisdom I was readily able to spot when other actors were mangling their own (substantially more numerous) lines. How fortunate they were to have the benefit of my great insight!

Heh.

It's much the same in writing. I'm very confident of my ability to edit others' work, but I have real trouble doing the same to my own. Though I've gotten much better in the past few years, it's still a little tricky.

The best advice I've ever received on the subject is this: Be conscious of what you put on the page. It's almost preposterously simple, but it goes a long way. I don't put a lot of stock in "subconscious genius," because that implies that writing is an off-the-cuff process, when it is entirely the opposite. Sure, some people can crank out paragraphs or stories or novels that way, but those who can produce quality work in this fashion are exceedingly rare.

So when you proof your work for effectiveness, don't read it as the writer, and don't read it as the hypothetical reader; read it as though you were observing the hypothetical reader, and note that reader's reactions.

Most important of all, be honest with yourself and with anyone whose work you critique. Well-meant but undeserved praise is fatally destructive to one's advancement as a writer.