Wrote my first song... would like some feedback

[FlyingSquirrel]

I know it's pretty simple stuff as far as the cadence and imagery goes, but was just wondering what some more experienced writers thought of it.


WELCOME TO AMERICA

Once our leaders were elected
We still vote but now they’re selected
For us

The press has been consolidated
The truth is much too complicated, don’t
Bore us

Welcome to America

The laws are changed with a signing statement
Against all reason our president
Ignores us

The bodies lie where our flag’s unfurled
But we don’t understand why the world
Abhors us

Welcome to America

What’s the Constitution
Just a Goddamned piece of paper
Let the Congress stand and watch
As the oil barons rape her
Don’t you dare try to resist
Or we’ll put you on a list
Say goodbye to all your freedoms
As they all go up in vapor...

(Solo?)

Welcome to America

I wrote this song I hoped you’d listen
But now I’m locked in a secret prison
Why....
Why, oh why....
They won’t let me die
I’ll never see the sky
Why....
Please tell me why.....
Why.......

America, goodbye.

[valerief]

1. I can't hear the music. nt

[mwb970]

2. I like it.

Interesting rhymes and rhyming patterns, minimal cliches (the "why" business is somewhat standard but could be saved by the music). Have you written chords & melody yet? Is there a recording of it?

[FlyingSquirrel]

4. Sadly, it's only in my head.

I'm not a music writer. If I could spend a few minutes with someone who writes music I could sing it for them and I'm sure they would get it pretty quick. Shoot, I don't even know how to upload a video to YouTube. I suck.

[frogmarch]

3. I'd really like to hear it

sung. The lyrics are compelling.

There are quite a few free hosting sites where you can upload songs, etc. Putfile is one.

[FlyingSquirrel]

5. I have a buddy in a band that I haven't talked to in awhile

I'm gonna try and get in touch with him and see if they are interested. If he's still in the band and they want to do the song, then I'll have them put it on YouTube too. Will probably take awhile and I'm not even sure if their band is still together.