Adolescent Apparitions.

[jotsy]

It had started out innocently enough. Fun was sure to be had in the discovery of an abandoned and accessible building in the heart of a commercial district undergoing a transition from outdated to contemporary. This particular architectural specimen went four stories, including the basement, which was gutted kitchen on two facing sides. The centerpiece of the main level, just half a level up, had been a sizable dance floor now sprayed with shards of broken glass and the hull of a once grand chandelier lay like a beached octopus. The second floor wasn’t really much of a floor as it was a wide path of a ring around the outer edge of the building, but on the inside. The top floor consisted strictly of corner balconies, not quite a full floor above the middle ring that overlooked the hardwood oval below. The three young teenagers of 11 to 14 found their way into the old hall from a back alley and decided once inside and after lengthy discussion that it had been used for banquets and other big dances.
“Why else would there be all this girly flowers and crap on the walls?” asked Rainey, the youngest and only boy of the two older girls who allowed him to tag along for the day’s adventure. Both Lisa and Katie ignored his questions, too engaged in sounding out their own theories. Anytime Lisa spoke, her shoulder length dark brown moppy locks swayed to and fro as she made a multitude of cases, most of which were to leave, and now. Katie occasionally chimed in with a timely “I don’t know,” or “could be” absently as she peered around at this corner or that wall, knowing how much the whole place needed further investigation. Katie suggested they each take a floor to check out. She would have opted to find the route to the balconies but Lisa as the oldest, not only took first dibs on that, but also delegated the task of the assessing the basement level to her trusty pal, which left Rainey pretty much nowhere to go but where he already was.

###

This is a passage written to expose myself to the same eye of scrutiny I ask others to submit themselves to. I've never been published outside news stories. Have submitted but one piece of fiction to a contest. Much work was done on many a project back in 2002 when a house fire took the bulk of everything I've ever written. I've remained pretty idle since.

[nuxvomica]

1. I like it but first some notes on critiquing

I recently had a bad experience critiquing something on another website. The writer had very negative reaction that I think was unwarranted, so if I offend you at all please tell me so. I try very hard to stay away from the "how I would've written it" type of response, or the marketability analysis that seems to be very common at other sites. Instead I will tell you what I think as a plain old reader, and proofreader, which I did for living years ago.

I liked that you began with what I think is the toughest thing to write, the description of the inside of a building. Yours is swift and evocative enough that I still have good picture of it in my head. I mostly have some punctuation and grammar suggestions:

youngest and only boy, of the two older girls, who had allowed him
It sounded to me like the boy was one of the girls without that comma.

shoulder-length, dark brown, moppy locks

Lisa, as the oldest,

the task of the assessing the basement level

I had a little trouble with this phrase...

and the hull of a once grand chandelier lay like a beached octopus

But any rewrite I can think of just adds a lot more words and there's no confusion about what you are saying. Maybe it's just my usual trouble with the word "lay", which never sounds right to me.

If I went any further, I'd be getting into "how I would write it" and neither of us wants that. ;-)
Generally, I found the style easy to read and consistent of voice, and the story is intriguing. It's too bad there's not more dialogue because what's there is very fresh.

[jotsy]

2. The old adage of use it or lose it holds true.

A memorable lecture that stuck with me for awhile, but is now clearly lost on my dormant senses: Rick Kotulski's 'The Traffic of Language' and the road signs that keep it flowing clearly-punctuation, I'll have to see if he's still teaching and get a fresh copy. I'll be rereading Elements of Style as well.

Fresh is a good word, that tid bit is the first fresh fiction I've written in years. What I feel like I need now is a good rudder, which I hope to cajole you into being. My head is crammed with so many ideas it's hard to know what direction is best to lean in first. I'd like a chance to run some brief summaries by anyone with a parallel aim as something of a map check.

I haven't had any feedback from a trained eye so I appreciate your assessment and glad you like it, though I don't plan for the story to go further any time soon. Other tales have laid in wait too long as it is.

Thanks again and let me know, so I can put something together.
j