An excerpt from my 'book'

[kentauros]

Okay, at the friendly prodding of two other members here, nuxvomica and jotsy, I am posting a bit of my novel. The premise is about a woman that gets the powers of the Djinn and the journey into which she is thrust, mostly a spiritual one but later on having to deal with a 'rogue' djinni of her own making.

I've only completed maybe a third of what I'd like to publish, but I'm getting there, albeit slowly. Oh, there's another member around here, too, that's acting like my unpaid editor (for the time being; I do expect to pay for editing when I'm done) so she's read much of this already :)

Also, because I hate how message boards stretch out paragraphs into unreadable widths, I have added returns for a paragraph-width I like. Hopefully, it won't format badly on y'all's browsers. If it does, and you really want to read my work, copy it into your word-processor ;)

This excerpt is taking place in the main character's meditation reality while she's in her lamp. Her name is Cari even though her Spirit Guide calls her Caroline...

Kailani's smile and hand on Cari's shoulder helped her quell the anxiousness
and disarray in her mind. "It is as you say, Caroline. I learned all about the
Djinn before I was asked to help you this way. Many of the former Djinn of
Earth trained me in magic such that I could be as you were I to incarnate.
It was necessary that I be the one to train you instead of directly from an
experienced djinni. You know me and have yet to have any visions of
the First Djinn. Those will manifest soon."

"I've had one already. She isn't a djinni, though. I dreamed of
Dirt-Woman this morning. It's supposed to mean the beginning of a great
spiritual journey when she appears in a dream. Do you know anything about
that?"

"Yes, I do. It is all connected to your future and the future of
the rest of the new Djinn. When we are done with the training, we will get
to one very important task. It will require your knowledge of your powers
to accomplish and why I will not tell you the details now. Let us get you
on that road first, dear one."

"Okay. I think I can wait. I am excited, even if it doesn't seem
that way," she said, grinning.

"I understand, Caroline. Now, let us work on the first one,
Telepathy," she said, proceeding to explain how it worked and how Cari
could trigger the power. The two of them worked like that for hours,
creating or summoning other entities and people as needed for a particular
power. Cari was relaxing into what she could do and accomplish with just
some minor hand gestures, winks, nods, eyelid-flutters or even just a
strongly-directed thought. There were mental triggers to use for the
latter, most having to do with intuitive feelings than techniques of
the mind. Those were secondary to how it felt prior to the trigger.
Energy from Spirit mingled with the energies of magic to trigger certain
effects, though not necessarily those having anything to do with Spirit.
Cari quickly discovered her latent spiritual abilities, like those of
any human psychic or medium, were enhanced to a higher degree. Those
energies were separate from the magic yet could always be mingled if some
effect not normally associated with a psychic or medium were desired. The
fact that both energies could work with the other helped her as she used
powers together. This lead to the knowledge that magic sought out pathways
in the ethers, or that energetic dimension often associated with the lower
levels of Spirit. Magic appeared to be like a foundation to that reality.
The 'veil' often quoted by spiritual people that separated physical life
from Spirit was none other than the energy of magic. Humans couldn't use
it, so it always took the energy of Spirit to get past it to that side.
Such revelations were powerful ideas to Cari, yet she learned to incorporate
it into what she learned as it was all key to her new life. Before she knew
it, Kailani stopped her instruction and hugged Cari as she had done many
times by then, only her energy was the brightest yet.

[nuxvomica]

1. Fascinating but too quick I think

I have a similar scene in my second chapter, in which the MC instructs his new assistant. Such scenes are very difficult to write and I am still revising mine. It is so easy to lose the reader in describing any craft, much less one that doesn't already exist in the everyday world. What I did to create tension is make the apprentice poorly informed, arriving at the MC's workshop with all the wrong notions of the craft. The MC is annoyed by the apprentice's stupidity and it's not a happy scene for either, but the give and take helps to illuminate the lesson, as well as establish a greater bond between the characters as they move beyond such conflict.
Some of the best scenes in the Potter books, to me, are the lessons in Hogwart's classrooms, and what drives them is the cluelessness of the students, especially Nigel and Ron. Your Cari needn't be one of them but rather more like Hermoine or Harry, who's mastery sometimes surprises the teacher. The choices all depend on the mainline plot and characterization in your story.
What you've written is some heady stuff but as a reader I'd like to see more dialogue between Cari and Kailani as Cari learns the ropes. I would also like to see some of the entities they summon (!!!) in such moments. (Remember that I haven't read the whole story, of course, so I'm focusing on just this excerpt.) Some of what you are telling could be dialogue by Kailani, for example:

There were mental triggers to use for the
latter, most having to do with intuitive feelings than techniques of
the mind.

And Cari could repeat it in her own words in response, more for the reader's better understanding than Cari's. I think of the reader as that silent student in the back of the classroom who hopes other students ask the questions they are too shy to utter.
All in all, an intriguing tease into the story but don't feel like you need to rush through it. Take your time and have fun with it. It's a sandbox for your imagination, and the reader's. And, again, I'd like to see some of those entities! :D

[kentauros]

2. Well, that's a good idea about summoning other entities

and I'll have to think about it. Forgive me if I'm not so clear-headed right now as I had some vodka with my dinner...

I do have quite a bit of dialogue leading up to this; I just didn't want to overwhelm y'all with a big post. I was trying to compress time as I have another event to come that is a lot of narrative, describing a process, and that leads to an entity she doesn't yet see (she'll have a vision/dream on it later.) Even so, at this point in the story, Cari's still 'trapped' in her lamp (I'd have to post all that came before for you to know that) and is learning from a Spirit Guide. Now, perhaps I should detail such things earlier (I don't think I have) but Guides are not ever annoyed with us, since they are spiritual beings. Like I said, this is a lot of new-agey stuff, and those familiar with the concepts will get it. Still, not everyone will, so I will need to explain that somehow.

I could post here an OBE (out of body experience) that comes later for her boyfriend/master if you want to look at that? Still not a lot of dialogue there, just cryptic hints of things to come, and that he doesn't necessarily recognize either. Or maybe I should post the beginning. I don't know how much is too much to post.

Thanks for your critique; I do appreciate it :)
I do have to ask, though, how did it read to you? Were my descriptions such that you could 'see' what was going on, at least with what I provided here?

[nuxvomica]

3. I can see how it might fit in to a larger context

I saw the interaction between the two characters well enough and I especially liked this line:

Cari was relaxing into what she could do and accomplish with just
some minor hand gestures, winks, nods, eyelid-flutters or even just a
strongly-directed thought.

And I had no trouble following the lesson. As I saw it, while Kailani was training Cari the narrator turns to the reader and instructs him as well. I use the same technique myself, unless I'm reading too much into it, but that was how I saw things.

A bit off-topic, I realized there is some common ground in our works. You are describing Djinn, and I assume them to be of the same breed as found in one of the favorites of my youth, the Arabian Nights. My novel is strictly secular in perspective (though still quite fanciful) and though it's never asserted in the text, some elements of it are meant to explain the origins of flying carpets and "genies". We seem to be approaching the same mythology from different perspectives.

I'd like to read the OBE scene because I have had such an experience myself, though I don't know what to make of it. BTW, don't plan on paying an editor. You can cross critique with other writers for just the cost of reading their works. The Bransford forums (http://forums.nathanbransford.com/)are great for that. I've just started there and haven't gotten around to posting anything for the other members because I haven't made my bones critiquing theirs enough yet. Then there's always this forum. As one DUer said, we could use PMs to exchange texts so we don't reveal too much to the entire world wide web.

[kentauros]

4. I use PM and email with MorningGlow as I have shared the most with her.

There's also Critters Writers Workshop as a similar site for critiquing and posting material. I'll give that other one a look in a bit. I've never posted to Critters, though, and would just rather keep most of this off the net, too. I don't mind posting a little more here, but the rest would have to be in PM or email.

One thing I've had to do is make sure I'm not using a "blink" as one of her magic-triggers. It might crop up once or twice, but I want it to be separate from "I Dream of Jeannie" as much as I can make it. Cari's djinni-clothing is more like a real belly dancer's outfit, as I've had some 'exposure' to that, being in a meet-up group (I'm a fan, not a dancer ;)) So, I'm trying to get as much authenticity into this as I can muster. I do a lot of research for things I know may very well be passed over by the reader without much thought, but it's still important to me. Some things will get recognition and some won't, and I'm fine with that.

I am striving mostly toward the kind of djinn in "A Thousand Nights and A Night" but not in all respects. These are to be "modern" djinn, just with that famous heritage. Now, my origins are different, too, and are causing me to wrangle with the issue of the 'master' especially in modern society. Hopefully, I can handle it, but it does cause me to question whether I have handled it or not.

As for the addition of spirit to this, I would hope my readers can accept it as fictional no matter what their beliefs or lack thereof. I remember when the remake of Battlestar Galactica ended, most people accepted it as fiction when they had no such beliefs of their own. That's how I hope my readers will take things and just enjoy the magic of it all :)

I'll post some of the OBE section in a minute, once I determine which part to take. In the meantime, if you're interested, we've been discussing this over in the ASAH forum (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x120157) in relation to how certain frequencies entrain the brain to achieve certain effects. The topic of OBEs has come up if you want to read more. It is a lot to think about, whether you have spiritual beliefs or not, because it can be a very disorienting (and frightening) experience. I have my own beliefs, but I hope this story doesn't come across as pushing them on people. Mostly, I want to use such experiences as devices. The New Age is full of material just waiting for someone to fictionalize it. I'm always amazed at how little fiction there is when I go to a spiritual bookstore that isn't also "historical fiction". I think that genre has been saturated for the time being...

[kentauros]

5. And now for something completely different.

At least it will be as Cari's boyfriend/master, Hal, experiences with his first OBE in a long time...

This is also about double of my last post, coming in at 1200 words, while the whole chapter is a bit over 4500. There's more narrative, mainly because it's all Hal up to this point, until he meets the 'others' not long after where this post stops.

The full-body vibrations started sometime in the night. It was the same every
time and didn’t matter if there had been a lull of a decade or more between
experiences. The sensation was like a signature and Hal knew he was about to
go out of body.

He’d never been one to learn how to control them, to leave his body by will
alone. That was too much work. He liked to do that spiritual stuff the easy
way, when Spirit wanted it to happen, instead of by his impetus. And so, it
had been a good ten years since the last OBE, or “Out of Body Experience”,
and this time he was gonna go beyond the bedroom, even if he had to wake up
Cari and make it happen by magic. As it turned out, that wasn’t necessary,
and his subtle-body rotated to a floating upright position, just before the
walls dissolved and he was outside.

He could see the beach nearby, but didn’t really hear it. Sound like that
just wasn’t important in that state. Even when communicating with any other
entity Out There, sound was not used. He had learned a weird form of telepathy
years back, reading some of the basic books on OBEs, and put them to work
immediately. Cari had never learned how to go out of her body, so maybe now
that she was a djinni they might be able to go together sometime. That wasn’t
to be this time around and he opened up to why he was out at all. There was a
pull to the north, nothing from any other direction, so he succumbed and followed.

The land and houses rushed by, blurring as he passed through a perceived
barrier of energy. He felt the vibrations, different from that which took
him into his current state and not that of another human being. Intuition
told him it was the vibration of the physical world, of Gaia’s magnetic field.
He knew something about that, too, and wondered briefly if magic could affect
it as well. Probably. He hadn’t seen anything Cari couldn’t do with her new
powers. Nothing good would likely come of her messing with the geomagnetic
fields, so it was just a fleeting thought, easily dropped.

Hal hadn’t been so far into the other realms. He had always had minor OBEs,
the local-area kind, the ones that turned into lucid dreams and those that
really didn’t do anything but tease him. All those years of going out or
almost out had left him wanting more, yet it had never been forthcoming, even
when he had tried to learn to do them by will. The book-techniques gave him a
better understanding of how to relax and go into a deep, waking trance, but
no more. Still, that was a good thing to have, especially with the coming
meditations Cari was going to show him the next day. Those could very well
be weirder than anything he’d seen or felt to date. Incorporating the memories
of two versions of himself into one mind was difficult to contemplate, much
less do. Maybe Cari had some magical tricks to help.

The physical aspect of the realm had long changed since that vibrational
border-crossing. It did have a 3D feel and look about it, yet it felt so
much deeper in possibility and scope. He got the impression the dimensional
aspect was more to make it appealing to humans as they ventured out than a
real need for dimensions of any kind. Hal had read enough online and off to
know that most people didn’t imagine these others places to be simply
‘formless energy’. They needed that familiarity to come to terms with
being there at all. Computer games and places like Second Life afforded
some semblance of other realities, yet again, just not the same as an OBE.
Hal thought he might have been different from the masses, yet intuitively
knew that he liked the physicality of the place, too. Being a formless blob
of energy would be for when he was permanently gone from Earth and could
play with being anything at all. Well, he could wish for that now and being
smoke was close to that state… No, it wasn’t the same. Maybe he’d wish for
it, and maybe he wouldn’t. After his life, then he’d play with that concept.
He’d let Cari be the one to experiment with such things on her own. Hal got
no further in his thoughts when his flight was no more and he stood there,
dressed in a natural-colored tunic of some soft cloth and before something
or someone. The form was familiar, too, mostly because Cari had turned herself
and him into them several times over the past week of magical playfulness.

The centaur looked like the classical Greek depiction of the centaurs painted
on jars or carved into friezes only this guy was older and bigger! Hal stood
on the ‘ground’ about six feet away and had to draw his gaze up over that
impossible figure. He had a staff, too, tall as he was, and carved like a
caduceus. Hal didn’t know enough about trees to figure what kind of wood it
was. If he had to guess, he’d have said cypress or oak. One thing that did
stick in his mind was the bit about the carving. If that really was a caduceus,
then there was only one possible name to come to mind.

“Chiron? You’re real?!” Hal hadn’t actually spoken the words. He relied on
that form of telepathy for OBEs and had projected the idea or concept of the
words and their meanings. It had been exceptionally difficult to learn in the
beginning, yet even with his limited excursions, he had met enough others to
figure out the communication bit. His projection had worked, too, as the
graying centaur merely grinned.

“You have to ask that here?” he retorted with a guffaw and then stroked his
beard. His white tail flicked back and forth, making Hal look him over more
closely. His frame was close to that of a draft horse, maybe more like one
of the ancient breeds such as the Tundra or Forest horse. Only he wasn’t quite
that heavy, making Hal realize he couldn’t really judge just what kind of horse
Chiron had in his ancestry. Mythologically, of course, he was whatever breed
the Greeks had originally envisioned for the offspring of Kronos and Philyra,
just a hell of a lot bigger in this case. There was never any detailed
description of the figure, and something like a dapple gray coat with white
feathering wouldn’t have made it into the stories. That dappling was fading
like everything else, it seemed, or was the whiteness closer to some depiction
of spiritual purity? Hal had to agree; it had been a stupid comment. Yet the
mythic personage of that famous centaur didn’t make him feel stupid. He even
laughed with the other, looking down at his own big black hooves as he did so.
Wait a minute! Hooves? Hal looked back to Chiron in surprise, minus the two-foot
gap in height they had between them upon first meeting.

[nuxvomica]

6. Despite it's length, I found it easier to read than the other excerpt

Probably because there was more action. By the time I had finished, it seemed like a lot had happened so the fluidity is good. I didn't have any trouble till the very last line, where I think the newfound parity in height could be more clearly stated. This is some crazy stuff and I mean that in a good way. ;-)

[kentauros]

9. Then I probably should have posted more to the original.

I was going on someone once saying excerpts should be limited to 500 words or less, which is rather restrictive for me as my descriptions alone can be that long! lol

As far as the way Hal notices the difference in height, I'm trying to emulate the kind of things that often happen in dreams and even OBEs where shifts and changes occur fast and even without us noticing them right away. If that's not really apparent, I'll look at modifying it some.

I'm happy to see you liked the flow of the narrative as that's also something that 'worries' me about potential readers :)

I am fascinated with the 'how' of why dreams, OBEs and visions work they way they do, and explore more of them throughout the story. Such tools can be powerful agents of change if handled well...

[jotsy]

7. Took this in a couple of days ago.

Planned to write a response after dinner night before last, but an unrestrained pit bull decided to try my golden retriever out as a chew toy. He's mending fine, but it's because I've been bird dogging that nurse tasky thing since.

In any event, on to the review.

The dialog moved fluidly enough for me. The second part of the passage though, I found a challenge in staying focused on. What I reflected on was why. I engage in a lot of speculation and conjecture, try my best not to judge or conclude, but in this setting a couple of theories did present themselves. One, a simple kind of tactical writing mechanism in breaking up the copy in terms of sentence length variety might be a tool to consider. On a more subjective note with regard to the peripheral protocol and policy of the magic you're spinning here. It's a strange way to look at it, I know, but my minds eye pivots between images of the ribbons a rhythmic gymnast twirls and the red and white spinning pillar found at old fashioned barbershops. Wrapping the ribbons of Cari's specific applicability to the stationary pillar of the established and mythical science of 'djinnidom' might help render a more vivid image. If I understand correctly, the lessons occur for Cari with her physically in her bottle, but a consciousness through her meditative state that permits her to be anywhere she chooses to be. Is there already an established setting for the environment Kailani teaches in? An open meadow in a forest or the courtyard of a temple, maybe.

On other forum type mentionings, I was wondering if it might be advisable to set up the passages some. A brief summary of the story itself and whether posted passages are from the beginning, middle or end as a precursor or something like an intro. It could help us get our bearings and better to get to the beef of the matter at hand.

Promised someone a different kind of review about a website, will check the second passage when I get a wrap on that and hope all other manner of mischief finds someone else in the meantime, I got a lot to catch up with.

Til then gents, write wildly and well!
j

[kentauros]

8. Figuring out what passage to post was difficult for me,

partly because I do get into the details and that can draw things out quite a bit. I'll post a little bit more, prior to her meeting with Kailani to give you a 'setting'. I also have descriptions of Cari clothing, though that comes much earlier, and after that a more detailed description of her lamp and how she decorates it. I noticed you said 'bottle', making me chuckle at how ingrained one of the primary icons of "I Dream of Jeannie" is in many people's minds ;)

The ribbons of magic I envision like those of a gymnast though perhaps not so 'active', more like the trailing ribbons on a decorative windsock. I'll have to incorporate that idea into the text to give a better idea. I don't mind adding extra details, because I like or even love details :) The barber pole twisting is a bit too restrictive to me, so I hope the idea of a windsock works, as it suggests more fluidity to the action. If you haven't seen such decorative windsocks, I know they show up sometimes in Japanese anime, with one in particular coming to mind: "Only Yesterday" (Omohide poro poro) Just little details they add to the overall image, making things appear more 'normal' at least to Japanese peoples :)

I agree about setting up more of the story leading into posted passages, and I should have done that, and will do that now.

I named my story "Djinnified" though I'm still open to another title by the time I finish it. I know plenty that like that, so I may still go with it. I just may also modify or manipulate it a bit. Also, I start the story with what seems at first as an unrelated event. Another djinni turns a man into a set of djinni clothes, setting up the events for Cari's transformation later. Both she and the ill-fated man live on the same beach, in south Texas, though I don't give a lot of background on him until later in the story.

Cari takes the packaged set of clothing home, tries it on, and ends up getting sucked into the lamp, thanks to the latter having changed into that from the leftover packaging. Now she's trapped, discovering she can't get out and finally accepts her new situation, though not without some genuine panic and crying. Once she discovers the existence of her powers, she decorates things and discovers a few other details about her new life. That's also when she decides to meditate into the following 'place' and meets her spirit guide. I still have to add more detail to some of this as well as the chapters to come where I introduce Hal, her boyfriend and 'master-to-be'. This last bit is still being a 'problem' to me, for her having to come to terms with it and for him even accepting the title when it's used. I don't want to gloss it over, but I don't want to spend a lot of time on it, either. If y'all have any advice, I'm listening ;)

Excerpt of Djinnified by Eric Franklin © 2010

Years of yoga and other meditative practice had helped her ‘build’ a special place where
all of her meditations took place. In all that time, she had filled out the details with
a multitude of flowers, butterflies, songbirds, parrots, magnificent live oak trees and
even a section of rainforest trees. She had once gotten to take a trip to South America
and saw those amazing trees close up. The energy they radiated had a special significance
to her at the time, and was no more out of place in her inner world than the fairies that
played with the butterflies and even some non-stinging bumblebees. Nothing there could or
would hurt her; you just didn’t create dangerous special places unless you were trying to
challenge yourself in some manner. Cari had never done that as it didn’t interest her, but
her silly boyfriend had. He had come out of one such meditation energized enough to try
rock-climbing with her best friend, Andy. He never got more than twenty feet off the ground
before the challenge became too great for even his pre-visualization prep. Andy had helped
him down and they went off to some other easy climb for them all and had a great outing.

The meditation pillow had come with her that time, something that had never happened in
all her other meditations. The other unusual aspect was that she wasn’t in the light green
“goddess gown” she often wore there. Instead, she was in the same djinni clothes she wore
on her physical form. Additionally, the energy of the place felt more intense. Not like it
was on edge, though. Rather, it was more like she was aware of higher frequencies. In a
spiritual sense, she could understand how that might be the case. She had magic powers and
it had to affect more than just the physical. That would come along with the rest of the
answers, she thought, and opened up to receive.

“Hello Caroline,” a ‘voice’ said from behind and to her right. Cari recognized the voice
of her Spirit Guide, a short almost sprite-like woman of Hawaiian descent. Her jet-black
hair hung down to her lower back, tucked behind her ears with a yellow orchid in there
over the right ear. She wore a sea-green, ankle-length dress that appeared to be made
more of light in physical form than actual cloth. This was her usual look, and Cari got
up to greet her, first with a hug, and then by acting on her intuition.

[kentauros]

10. I forgot to add that I hope your dog does mend well.

That's a horrible thing to go through. Stay on top of it, especially guarding against infection. It sounds like you're doing well caring for him, too. Let us know how well he's doing here or elsewhere on DU... :hug: