Novice writing sample-please critique...

[Longgrain]

Nothing much, just an early draft of a scene from a novel I someday hope to write...just a rough sketch (hence all the ellipsis') of a scene between two characters.

Tommy, a struggling artist with a new born daughter. His wife Marrie (yes that's how it's spelled) is currently confined to a psychiatric hospital for severe depression. Veronica is Marrie's best girlfriend who's helping Tommy out...

I'm particularly interested in what you think of the dialog since I've always considered dialog one of my weak spots...

Here goes...(Sorry if it's long)


With Marrie starting to show signs of recovery, Tommy finally decides to move back into their apartment taking Dulcinea with him, his mother and Veronica take turns watching the six-month-old baby while he works.
Veronica comes over late one evening to drop off Dulcinea, Tommy’s sitting alone, drinking a beer, looking over some of his old paintings….
“She’s asleep,” Veronica whispers placing Dulcinea in her crib in the bedroom.
“Thank you Ronnie, I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for us.”
“It’s my pleasure,” she tells him, “I don’t get that much time off from work, and my own kids, but just to hold a baby again…”
“But I mean it,” Tommy says “I wish I had some money to give you… something”
“Don’t worry” Veronica says, “Money’s not important…though if you really want to pay me back, how about a beer…”
Tommy laughs, “sure”
“So what have you been up to,” Veronica asks settling down on a couch in the living room as Tommy sits across from her on an easy chair.
“Trying to get back into painting again, you know? It’s been awhile since I painted, I’m afraid I’m loosing my touch… I’ve been drinking a little too much lately… with Marrie away and all… It’s hard not having a woman around to keep you in line…”
Veronica sips her beer and stares at Tommy, “Try not to drink so much please….you have to think of the baby now…”
“I know. But you drink too don’t you…” he smiles at her, “You have kids and a job. Another functioning alcoholic like me.”
“You’re right,” Veronica says smiling at him, “do you mind if I smoke…”
“We don’t have any ash trays I’m afraid, I’ll get you a cup…”
Veronica lights a cigarette as Tommy goes into kitchen to get her a glass of water.
“I closed the bedroom door,” Tommy says returning to the living room, “so the smoke won’t bother Dulcie.”
“You are so good,” Veronica says. “Saint Thomas, I think I’ll call you from now on.”
“And you can be Saint Veronica….”
“Me? A saint? Far from it,” Veronica laughs, “I used to try and not smoke around my kids, now I do it all the time with out even thinking about what I’m doing to them…”
“It must be hard trying to make it on your own…”
“It’s okay, I’m a survivor…I’ve always managed somehow…”
Tommy sips his beer while Veronica smokes.
“Hows about showing me some of those paintings of yours…” She says finally dropping the cigarette into the glass.
“I’d love to… Its been a long time since I’ve had a good critique”
Tommy takes Veronica into his painting room.
“This is the one I’m working on now, I hope to finish it by the time Marrie gets home…”
He shows her a portrait of Marrie holding Dulcinea.
“My God!” Veronica exclaims staring at the painting, “It’s awesome…”
“No it’s not” he says, “It’s sloppy… I can’t paint something like this with out a model… I can‘t afford much paint, my brushes are all frayed… it’s just awful.”
“How can you say that! It’s beautiful… I wish some guy would paint a picture of me like that.”
“The colors are all wrong… there’s no depth to it… no soul… I lost my muse…she’s locked up somewhere in Cold Brook Cove.” Tommy laughs as Veronica continues to study the portrait.
“But you got Marrie’s face right… It looks just like her… she’s always had such a beautiful face ….such soft skin.”
“That’s why I fell in love with her…I guess”
Veronica sighs. “And I guess that’s why I can never find a guy like you…It’s tough being so ugly.” Veronica says finishing her beer.
“You’re not ugly,” Tommy tells her, “You’re a very beautiful person.”
“No I’m not… my face is too long…my teeth are practically falling out…I look like a horse…”
“Nonsense. You have a very noble looking face… It’s the face of a lady…”
“Thank you for saying that,” Veronica smiles and turns to face Tommy.
“But it’s true,” Tommy smiles at her, “if I were still single, and I met you, I’d be all over you.”
Veronica stares into his eyes and reaches out to put her hand on his shoulder…
“Would you?” she says sweetly… “For real?”
Tommy pauses noticing he’s starting to breath heavy… “Yeah” he laughs nervously, “I don’t know any man who wouldn’t want to love a woman like you….”
“Then why don’t you?” Veronica says sweetly as she moves in closer. Her breasts are quite large and are nearly touching Tommy’s chest. He’s starting to have a hard time still looking her in the face, but can’t look down without seeing right between her breasts.
“Because…I…can’t…I…” He says shaking… “Marrie…d.”
“She doesn’t have to know,” Veronica giggles as she moves in even closer. “Twice in my life I been asked by some jerk to get married…twice! And both times I turned him down… I could have been married… but I kept thinking there was someone out there who was better for me… someone I could really fall in love with…”
“Veronica.” Tommy says, “Don’t do this to me…”
“Why not” she says softly, “Why not do it for me…”
Tommy grabs Veronica and pulls her into himself but he is staring away from her, unable to control his shaking. He tries looking at the picture of Marrie to distract him, but the picture is distorted to his artistic mind, empty, lifeless, and incomplete--a weak reflection of what it was meant to depict.
Veronica is warm, speaking softly to him, her breasts rising into his chest with every heavy breath she takes…
“Because I would do it” he says, “I wouldn’t be able to resist…”
“Then give in…“ she whispers slowly and passionately “come on… we both want it… Marrie has no way of knowing… it will be our little secret…”
Tommy snuggles himself into Veronica, stroking her long black hair and rubbing her back, but he closes his eyes, clenches his teeth, and whispers fiercely… “But we can’t…I want to fuck you so bad Ronnie, but we can’t damn it…you think that wedding we had was just for fun…” he’s still caressing Veronica, “I promised her…”
Veronica finally pulls away… “you’re right…” she says as her voice cracks. She looks at him with a tear dripping from her eye. “We probably shouldn’t…”
“You have to understand, I want to, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at Marrie again,” he says almost crying himself… “Even if she never finds out… I still think she’d still know…somehow she‘d know”
“But you would have done it wouldn‘t you,” Veronica says… “You would have had me if things were different…”
“Yes,” he says… “I would have…”
“That’s good enough for me I guess….” She says rubbing her eye. “I suppose this is the closest I’m ever going to get… I’ll go back to my jerky boyfriend who doesn’t want to get a job… You can always get a porn magazine…“ she tries laughing as tears fall from her eyelashes, “why did I have to be so stupid and fall in love with you?”
“Oh Ronnie…I didn‘t know you felt that way about me.” he sniffs, “I wish I could change things…” but as he speaks, Dulcinea starts crying.
“Do you want me to get her before I go?” Veronica says softly.
“It’s alright I’ll get her… you’ve done enough for me already…”
“No,” Veronica turns away “I’ll get her, it’s the least I can do…” and she leaves Tommy alone in his studio.
Saint Thomas she had called him just a short time earlier…
“Saint Veronica…” he smiles and whispers to himself.

[bitchkitty]

1. Great - are you going to make something

terrible happen to Veronica? She's such a slut.

[Longgrain]

3. No. Veronica is a tragic-romantic charater...

The only bad thing that happens to her is that she doesn't get Tommy, the one man she thinks she loves.

[fluffernutter]

2. it's very good. the dialogue is strong.

i love it when people can tell a story almost purely through dialogue.

i would, however, leave this line out: "Saint Thomas she had called him just a short time earlier…"
because your reader remembers, you don't want to treat the reader like an idiot, and it packs a better punch if you leave it out and just end with the Saint Veronica line.

very nice work!

[katinmn]

4. It reads like a play

and that's a compliment. It's hard to write dialog without it sounding stilted.

Yours flows very nicely.

Some suggestions:
Why not add a few descriptions of the surroundings to help visualize the scene?

...Tommy finally decides to move back into their (tiny? spacious? antique-filled?) apartment... this would help reveal the character's economic situation or lifestyle without stating it.

...Veronica comes over late one (why not Tuesday or Wednesday? I'm thinking she's taking care of the baby every evening) evening to drop off Dulcinea, Tommy’s sitting alone (in the dark? under the warm glow of a pole lamp?), drinking a beer, looking over some of his old paintings…...

...“So what have you been up to?” Veronica asks settling down on a (well worn? new brown leather? overstuffed? hand-me-down?) couch in the living room as Tommy sits across from her on an easy chair....

well, those are my initial thoughts. :-) Take 'em or leave 'em.

Thanks for sharing.


:hi:

[Longgrain]

5. It's a sketch

First draft...the details will be added later...they reside only in my head at this moment. I'll let them out if I ever get a chance to write this God-damned book.

Tho I love yer suggestions...they are beautifl...kinda like Sally Field !;-)...

I'll show you a little more if you wish...

On Edit...


(this scene takes palce about 2/3rds to 4/5ths of the way through the story, so the characters, their relationships to one another, as well as their economic standings have already been established...)

[indigobusiness]

6. Once the rythm of the dialog is established...

leave out the 'he said...she said' markers as much as possible.

Only use them if it becomes confusing or adds to the rythm or texture.

[indigobusiness]

8. Oh, I see you did that....nevermind ........n/t

[jellybelly]

7. Nice job so far...

you need more descriptions, maybe Tommy could have a few flashbacks of Marrie, he could compare the two. (While talking about Veronica's looks he could think something about the way Marrie looks) There should be more unspoken thoughts, the characters shouldn't rush into the embrace. I am a lover of books and write peoms and short stories all the time. I could never write a novel...I'd run out of ideas, that's why I can admire your work. Good luck!:toast:

[Longgrain]

9. Of course I need more descriptions!

As noted in my first post, this is just a "first draft". Plus it is part of a much larger story (and late in the story at that!) so by this point in the novel, the reader would already know the Characters, setting, background, and so forth...

Thanks for chiming in tho :hi:

[iamjoy]

10. Suggestions

reduce the dialog tags, the "he says" etc. Since there are only two people, unless there is a pause, we already know who is saying what.

I'm glad you plan to add more description to the action and the scene, I felt it missing from this passage.

"Thank you, Ronnie. I can't thank you enough." Say it aloud, I think it seems a little awkward. Have it just, "Ronnie, I can't thank you enough."

"She says sweetly" is used twice, very close together. Eliminate or change one of those tags.

Not on dialogue, but "her breasts are quite large and nearly touching" - just say "her large breasts nearly touching" or "her breasts were nearly touching" At this point, this narration distracts from the action and dialogue of the scene. If you want to directly point out that her breasts are large, have Tommy discover it, almost as if for the first time.

Overall, I think you did a good job SHOWING Veronica as a little tragic, all from this passage of dialogue. The only thing that might help reinforce that is when she says Marrie will never know, you have her saying it passionately. From this description, some could get the impression that she only cares about her own desires, she's selfish. If she says the same line but you leave off the passionately, it might give a different impression. Unless, you intended her to be a bit selfish...

[marions ghost]

11. keep going with this

Characters are coming through, and I'm hooked to find out what happens. This could be really good.

Suggestions:

1. I agree about more description (but don't go overboard with that)
2. Read this out loud--then you will see spots where dialogue can be pared down to the essentials.
3. As somebody already pointed out--drop "he said" when we know who is talking.
3. Use "..." at the end of a line only if the other character is cutting the speaker off. Otherwise it sounds like the speakers never get a chance to finish their thoughts.

[HamdenRice]

12. Some constructive criticism ...

It's a very interesting premise and a promising sketch. Let me ask some "structural" questions, though. To me, the hardest parts of writing include controlling and manipulating time, and controlling and manipulating interiority/exteriority.

For example, why is the sketch written in the present tense? A couple of people have already suggested reducing the number of he says/she says tags. But first you need to answer whether you want to say he said or he says. Present tense narration can put some serious logical constraints on you, while past tense narration allows you to meander in time. Present tense is kind of "as it happens", so it would be illogical to bring up the past, for example.

Past tense narration would allow you to bring up snippets of the relationship in the past, as a kind of counterpoint. For example, after the line, "why don't you" Tommy could ruminate: at that moment, seeing her at that close angle, he remembered her once before, close to him, at a New Years eve party, a kiss between friends many minutes before midnight when he would kiss Marrie, and now for the first time in a long time he remembered that long ago New Years eve party, when they were both a little drunk and a little sloppy, and like now she had also had her face close to his, her breath on his cheek, yes only now he realized that she been flirting with him.

The luxury of flexible time and tense also allows you to play counterpoint with interiority and exteriority. Right now, this is all at the surface -- it's what they say and do. But some writers are really effective at explaining what the characters say and do and contrasting that with what they are thinking. You could think of it as three levels of interiority/exteriority -- the most interior would be their thoughts; the next move to exteriority would be their interactions; and the most exterior description would be your omniscient narration.

For example, after the line, You're a beautiful person, you could omnisciently narrate movement toward a mirror and their interior reflections as counter point against the dialog:

She backed away from him and turned to the living room mirror over the fireplace. Who could love a face like this, she asked herself as much as him, smiling. She looked at her face, which she had always thought was too long, and for a moment, she was twelve again and her little brother surrounded by a cruel little possee of his friends was doubled over laughing at her, calling her horse face. She looked at her teeth, which were crooked by some combination of birthright and parents stuggling too hard financially to afford braces, but the brown staining was her own fault, a shameful badge of her resignation toward her addiction to cigarrettes. Tommy also looked over her shoulder, at her unusual face in the mirror, and with her features reversed, she appeared to be some other person altogether than the one he had known all these years. In the mirror he could now clearly see the lack of symmetry that marks all our faces, but that we somehow cannot see outside of photographs and mirrors. And this other face was strangely familiar, not Ronnie, but some image or icon he had seen many times as a child growing up. He realized that in the mirror she looked just like a drawing of a woman, a Christian martyr from some mythical long ago that appeared in a book in his Catholic school that had burned itself into his memory, a saint someone -- Saint Ronnie, perhaps, he laughed to himself.

In other words, give yourself more space, fly around the room, zoom back and forth through time, and in and out of their souls and memories.

[WCGreen]

13. I thought you were writing a play....

The way you started out and developed the scene through dialog and things happening off stage, encroaching on the focal action....

Why not try a play.

[Longgrain]

14. I forgot I posted this

Since I have been away from the Writer's Forum for about a week.

Thanks for the great comments so far, this might be just what I need to start motivating myself a little more, and maybe remember to check you guys out a little more often. :hi:

[RevolutionaryActs]

15. You know, I find it hilarious that John and I named his alter ego Veronica

and here you have book with a character named Veronica. :o

[Longgrain]

16. Hehehe

What is this, cross forum fliting, back to the Lounge missy.

[RevolutionaryActs]

17. *gasp*

I can flirt wherever I want thank you very much! ;)