Opinion on a couple of poems

[derbstyron]

I wrote these in my poetry class. Poetry isn't my strong point but I was pleased with them, for first drafts. I would love to hear suggestions.
I would like to cut some lines out to make them flow better.

Note: The first is a Rubaiyat. This requires the first, second and fourth line of each stanza to rhyme.

Thanks!
:hi:

The Bubble Gum Kiss
(a life-affirming Rubaiyat)



I awoke from my bed with nerve to make a try.
I had resisted all the others, sure that I would die.
But her face would not leave my dreams,
Maybe this time humor could get me by.

She sat in the corner of my middle school math class.
She had all my attention; I probably wouldn’t pass.
Her hair was red and curly, her eyes green and gold,
Yet Mr. Feinberg wanted me to figure area and mass.

I tried to find courage and head off to school,
The twisting of knots in my stomach breaking my cool.
I went to my desk and waited for her to arrive,
Hoping that being funny didn’t mean I was a fool.

She strutted into the room, gliding as if on ice.
Her dress was short and white, she had never looked so nice.
Knowing I was asking for it, I headed to her desk.
My voice shaking so much, I had to say her name twice.

I knew she thought I was just the class smart-ass,
I tormented Mr. Feinberg, even the faculty brass.
But I wanted her to know that there was more to me
Than just sharp wit, quick mouth and a healthy dose of sass

Her lips parted in a smile that made my heart skip fast,
I rushed the words, certain the moment couldn’t last
She didn’t hesitate a second before saying yes,
I kicked myself for all those chances wasted in the past

She wore a green dress on our date, with a pearly sheen.
I don’t remember the movie at all, not a single scene.
I kept watching her instead of the actors,
Her hair was loose and curly and she looked really hot in green

We stood outside her parents’ house at the end of the night,
Nervous and sweating, I took her hand and held it tight.
She slipped her other arm around my waist,
Waiting for me to kiss her, here, out of her parents’ sight.

The look that I received was more potent than Daddy’s rum
Calling to mind that stupid night when I helped myself to some.
I bent my head and pressed my lips, softly, on hers,
Her lips were soft and moist and she tasted like bubble gum.


Ebb Tide

The shore beckons with its lonesome cry.
Pale rays of moonlight stark, sheer and thin,
Gauzy remnants of a star lit sky
Illuminating milky, scarred skin.

Her arms are slashed, then mended;
A history of suffrage: tracks of pain.
Sorrow and solace incongruously blended
The empty beach calls her again.

She falls to her knees in the abrasive sand,
Arms stretched out in supplication.
A slender blade of grass clenched in her hand;
Commitment pledged within creation

[Elise]

1. They are both very good!

suggestions (well, you asked):

Poem 1:

Lose the ethnic name on the teacher;

1st stanza, 4th line, replace humor would with humor'd;

2nd stanza, 4th line = Yet, Mr. Watson actually expected that I'd figure area and mass;

3rd stanza, 2nd line: Knots twisting in my stomach, tempering my cool;

3rd stanza, 4th line: Hoped my being funny wouldn't equate to being the fool;

6th stanza, 4th line: I kicked myself for wasted chances, but that was now the past;

7th stanza, 4th line: replace really hot with wonderful;

9th stanza, 3rd line; replace lips with mouth.


Poem 2:

I'm not thrilled with the title, (maybe "the shore beckons" ... ???), but the poem itself is an absolute work of art: BRAVO!

:yourock:

[derbstyron]

2. Thanks!

Regarding the title: I always love alliteration.
What do you think about, "Solace on the shore."

[Elise]

3. Solace on the shore

:thumbsup: :pals:

[Droopy]

4. They are both nice

Although I particularly like the second one. It's very descriptive. It shows but doesn't tell which is what my poetry intructor says makes for good poetry. I really can't think of any way to improve them, but then I'm not a good writer.