OK, I'm starting my novel - tell me if I can still write

[Philosophy]

I haven't written anything in over a decade. I used to write a short story every now and then in school, and the occasional poem, but I am way out of practice.

As an exercise I decided to sit down and write a random story intro - no plan, I don't even know if it will fit into my novel, it probably doesn't even make sense. Here's what I just tossed together in the last hour and a half or so:

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"What the fuck was that!", Warner yelled up the dimly lit stairwell.

"Nothing", Kiveat's voice hollered back, his voice cracking perceptibly to Warner, whose own breathing was similarly erratic from the surprise of the startlingly loud noise. "There's like an oil drum or something up here that just tipped over", Kiveat explained to his comrade.

"Well, what made it tip over? Is there something up there with you?"

"I don't know...my flashlight's not working right."

"Hold on...I'm coming up," Warner said. Kiveat didn't hear him.

Warner's boots kicked up more grey dust as they placed new footprints on the spiral stairsteps next to Kiveat's.

Kiveat heard his large friend's heavy breathing behind him just as Warner reached the top. He quickly sucked in his own breath for a second, before he figured out the source of the airy wheeze and turned around just in time to see the balding crown of his partner's head pop above the floor of the landing. Warner had removed his helmet to wipe his brow with his uniform sleeve. He stopped climbing a few steps from the top so he was only visible to Kiveat from the waist up.

"It's over there," Kiveat tried to indicate with the beam of his flashlight, but it was barely perceptible any more. "In the corner."

"Where?" Warner queried, annoyed, as he sniffed and replaced his carballoy headgear, slightly rotated so its eyepiece was to to the left of his left eye, leaving both of them unobstructed to squint into the shaking shadows in the corner of the small room.

"Try your light, dude", Kiveat helpfully suggested.

Without replying Warner carefully raised his light assault weapon above the top the the stairs, the black flashlight attachment slung under its grey metal barrel, and directed his aim along the the direction he could now make out Kiveat's arm pointing as his eyes barely adjusted to the darkness.

The center of the beam was immediately drawn to the irregular five square pattern logo embossed into the front of the metal barrel, which was lying on its side. Under the logo where two words stenciled in scratched yellow paint: DANGER: COMPUTRONIUM

"Ah, crap!" Warner explained just as the hollow metal container jerked slightly again with a sound of scraping and bending metal.

"Oh, no!" Kiveat noticed that the cap on the top end of the cylinder was slightly ajar, with rust around the edges of the opening. He continued looking for a second, unsure of what to do.

"I'll radio the captain!" Warner yelled as he hopped around on the stair under his feet and started scrambling down. He straitened his helmet. "Move it, Kiveat! We've got to get out of here!" He heard Kiveat behind and above him exclaim "What the hell?", surprise in his voice. Then a slight pause, followed by a bloodcurdling scream! "NooOOOooooo...!" A muffled, but prolonged thud like a bag of sand being emptied. A small diffuse cloud of black dust billowed out from the darkness at the top of the stairwell as Warner reached the bottom and looked back up for his friend. The dust immediately turned around and flew straight back up the stairs as if drawn by an unseen and unfelt inhalation.

Warner frantically switched on his VR helmet com. Just as an image was beginning to coalesce in the eyepiece it broke off, fell to the floor, and shattered into a dozen black metallic-looking shards.

"We found the-!" Warner started to rasp in a vain attempt to communicate into the broken device, but the last word was cut off as he felt something hard crack in his chest. He raised his glove to his throat only to see what used to be his fingers snap off his hand and fall to the concrete surface between his boots.

Warner's body's last ounce of strength took it one half step toward the bunker entrance, and then it tumbled forward. But just before the outline of the body contacted the ground it became incoherent as the black granules it now contained spread slightly apart, reversed course, were joined by the traces of uniform and body parts already on the floor, and then shot back up the stairwell in a strangely controlled wind.

A single electric arc noise echoed down the stairwell as a lightning-like flicker briefly illuminated its interior.

[roguevalley]

1. you got me hooked. you really do. Nice way to start a story, if this

is the start. I will tell you what the rejection letters I have read or gotten say: Watch the f word.

Other than that, keep writing and posting. This is very interesting, my dear.

[NNadir]

2. Over writing, I think.

Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.

[mr_hat]

3. "...Kiveat's voice hollered back, his voice cracking perceptibly."

His VOICE hollered back? And cracked... perceptibly? As opposed to um, imperceptibly, perhaps?

Was Warner a zombie? Otherwise, why is his body taking half steps forward?

"Lightening-like FLICKER..."? C'mon.

Editing. Discipline. Nouns. Verbs.

[Philosophy]

5. All intentional

Kiveat was out of view of Warner, and the scene started totally from Warner's point of view, so Warner detected Kiveats voice - he didn't see Kiveat actually speak. Likewise he perceived the crack in Kiveats voice - it is possible for Kiveat's voice to crack and Warner not to notice, but he did notice and it did catch his attention, so he could tell that Kiveat was frightened by this quality of his voice.

Maybe Warner was already dead, but his body was still moving due to impulses initiated instants before the moment of his death. Maybe his body was so damaged and transformed by that point that it could not reasonably be called by his name.

And what's wrong with "flicker"? I was trying to discribe an effect like the light of a small spark of variable intensity over a short duration reflecting off a surface. Like very distanct lightning reflecting off a tree in your yard from an approaching thunderstorm.

I'm not writing a children's book here.

[Philosophy]

6. That one sentence is screwed up though

Should read

Kiveat's voice hollered back, cracking perceptibly to Warner...

[Downtown Hound]

4. It has potential

but it is too long. Too many words. Remember, simplicity is always best. You could cut out half of this and the effect would still be there. Don't be discouraged, you have a good foundation. But in an action scene like you're writing, we don't want to read entire paragraphs of adjectives and and verbs while getting to what happened next. Do some serious editing and you could really have something there.

[Philosophy]

7. I do tend to be verbose

It's the nascient poet in me I suppose.

Pretty hard to have an action scene without verbs though.

[Lautremont]

8. It's not the verbs, but the adjectives.

Lots of promise here, but check your Strunk & White. This slim volume contains the best advice for writers: "Omit needless words."

[Emboldened Chimp]

9. My opinion: don't ask for opinions while writing

I didn't read it, so I can't comment on the passage, but I would suggest avoiding comments from others while in the middle of writing. You'll hear criticisms and start to second guess yourself. Best to finish your novel then see how it works as a whole.

And remember, your first draft is going to be shit. That's the case for most writers, despite talent and experience. The essence of writing is in rewriting.

[oneighty]

10. Yes indeed

Write write write. Let the pieces fall where they may.

But re-writing is a bitch. Soon the writer will be overcome with correctness and will toss all efforts into the trash.

I think.

180

[SteppingRazor]

13. The essence of writing is what now?!

Did you just praise rewriting?! I demand you remove that Hunter Thompson icon. Doc would be disappointed. :evilgrin:

[OldLeftieLawyer]

11. What do you want, exactly?

To write?

Or to get attention?

Trust yourself and keep it to yourself. If you don't trust your work, no one else will.

Good luck.

[Ready4Change]

12. I was wanting to know what happens next.

To me that indicates you can (still?) write.

Editing and rewrites do the rest.