Bullying- my kids being bullied.

[ejpoeta]

I posted this as a note on my facebook page and thought I would share it here.

I remember in school how rough it was. It didn't matter.... public school, catholic school.... it was all the same. I remember being spit on.... SPIT ON. or having my books thrown down the hall. Or the little comments... about my glasses, my hair, my clothes..... It was awful... day in and day out. being terrorized by other kids with no way out.

And of course I was told to ignore it and they would stop. Ignore it... sticks and stones will break your bones, but names can never hurt you. In retrospect, sure I can think those things. But as a kid I just didn't have the perspective I have now. Back then school was the better part of my life. I spent several hours every day there with those people. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Now, now I can think differently about that time. Now that I don't see any of the people who did those things back then. I can think about what might have motivated them to treat me as they did. Maybe if I wasn't the target they would be. Maybe they had low self esteem and treating kids like me badly made them feel better about themselves . Who knows. And I can let go of it now because with all the crap I have gone through in my life, that period was such a small part of it.

Here I am as a parent, having to watch my own child suffer bullying. And what can I do to stop it. I found myself telling her to ignore it.... can you believe it. Ignore it and it will stop.... yeah right. I knew that wasn't true when I said it. But the fact is, I don't really know what I can do to help her. I have told her that she is different and that makes her a target. She has a choice.... be like everyone else or accept that being yourself comes with these problems. They don't like anyone trying to be different. They will try to make you conform.

I am trying to raise a self confident, strong, intelligent young woman here. I am trying to raise a kid who doesn't follow the crowd... I like her the way she is. I have told her so. I don't want them to take that from her. Because in a few years, they will be gone and she will have to be able to do it on her own. She doesn't see that right now, but she needs to make her own choices for herself.

I am going to make an appointment to talk to the principal about this problem. I asked her if she wanted me to. My fear is that it would only make it worse for her. But she says she has told the teachers and nothing gets done. They hold anti bullying assemblies, but it sounds like in the end it's all a lot of bs. True, Emily may not be telling me the whole story. She has a history of problems throughout her schooling career. But I have to say I believe her.... and it makes me sad. Because she is a great kid who may not have the best skills relating to other kids her age. The things she likes aren't the same things the other kids like. Or maybe she does, but isn't good at expressing it....

It's all I can do not to just pull her out of there and try to protect her. But I know that won't solve the problem necessarily.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. I was bullied too, and like you have no answers. :^( I hope you are able to

come up with a solution somehow. :hug:

[leftofcool]

2. 2 words

home school........if you are able.

[wtmusic]

3. Pulling her out is not the answer

and relying on staff for a remedy is often ineffective.

She should be taught to defend herself. She should do whatever she can to avoid a confrontation, but if she's physically attacked she should do whatever it takes to defend herself.

This is a life lesson, and you won't always be there to protect her.

[ejpoeta]

5. I know. I wanted to homeschool her this year..... but didn't because she

wanted to go to school. some of the reasons i was going to homeschool her had to do with her behavior. She has ADHD and has had a lot of problems in the past. Acting up in school..... outbursts....meltdowns. i believe some of this has created this problem for her. but this year she has only had a couple of problems. her grades have been impeccable enough to warrant honor roll. she is extremely smart. but she has no friends and she says no one talks to her generally, but these five boys are constantly harrassing her. calling her names. I know I will not always be there to protect her, but she does deserve to be able to go to school and get an education without being treated this way.

A couple of months ago the counselor saw one of the kids hit emily with his locker door and he talked to the boy. i don't think anything happened to him. the kids generally do things when the teachers aren't looking and then when emily tells the teacher they act dumb. I want her to be able to deal with this herself, but frankly, I have always been very shy myself and am terrible with communicating with others.

[wtmusic]

10. IMO Emily's problems are a lot more common than you might think

and I can't imagine a scenario where the boys would continue to pester her if they didn't get a reaction. It's the only incentive.

Unfortunately that behavior continues into adulthood for a lot of people, and she might as well learn to deal with it now.

[Warpy]

4. Or you can tell her the same witless bromides your parents told you

and my parents told me and she might snap like I did.

I put a bully into the hospital when I was ten. I don't regret going after him. I do regret slightly that it was overkill. The first blow would have done it and did it for subsequent bullies. Often just the threat that I knew I was going to get hurt but they were too would get them to back off.

Or you can try the geographical cure, try to get her into a different school where it won't occur to the bullies to pick on anybody but the poor kids they're already picking on and she'll be safe.

Personally, I'd find some self defense classes for girls and enroll her in addition to talking to the principal and letting him/her know that you mean business and you are not going to be patted on the head and sent away with platitudes. Those classes can give her enough self confidence that the little pricks will leave her alone.

Bullies are cowards who love easy targets, which is why "ignore them, they'll go away" is so destructive to any child who is being bullied.

[ejpoeta]

9. there is only the elementary school, middle school and high school here.

no other schools unless we send her to catholic school. If you hit someone these days, you can be arrested for assault. I would love to be able to have her take a self defense class, but we don't have that kind of money. We get state health insurance and reduced lunches.

I agree about how inane that 'ignore them and they'll go away' thing is. and i couldn't believe i heard it coming out of my own mouth!! uggh. i think it is the response for those who have no answer. she goes to a counselor but said she hasn't even discussed it with her!! I think I will look into seeing if there is a group or something she could go to.... maybe I will see if there is some sort of class she could take that I can afford to send her to also.

btw... i remember when I punched a girl in the jaw. She kept grabbing me and throwing me up against the locker. I would try to walk away and she would grab me again and do it again. this went on a few times and then i punched her in the jaw and walked out. I sat in the hallway and cried and then told a teacher.... the girl said I started it!! can you believe it!! we both got in school suspension!! but i don't remember her bothering me again after that. not sure though.

[Warpy]

14. Well, I beat the crap out of the kid off school property

but when he got out of the hospital, his mother dragged him over and threatened my mother with charges against me. My mother rose to the occasion and called me out of my room. She looked at her kid, she looked at me, shut her mouth and left. My mother didn't say a word.

I was exactly half that kid's weight. Bully mom probably realized she was going to look like a big fat idiot and her kid was going to look like a big fat sissy if she tried.

[ejpoeta]

16. lol. so glad your mother did that. did the kid leave you alone after that. probably.

[Warpy]

18. Yeah, he did. Funny thing is that I looked him up online a few years ago

and he's still in that same crappy town and has spent his life selling insurance.

[ejpoeta]

19. that's one thing i told emily. the people who are harrassing you will most likely be

probably not amount to much later on. and after school you will likely not see them again. i can count on my one hand hte people i have seen throughout the years that i grew up with.

[Taitertots]

26. Do you have any advice for the people who are not lucky enough to beat up people twice their size?

Everyone I've ever seen getting bullied would have never stood a chance against the aggressor.

[RKP5637]

6. K&R

[elocs]

7. I've worked in the local public schools and they make a big show about anti-bullying,

but their actions don't match up to the intentions.

I worked with a woman whose son was in the 4th grade, maybe 9 years old, and he was bullied. Once some kids locked him in a shed near the playground. He took karate, but refused to use it against any of his bulliers. The one time he did stand up for himself, he was the one who got in trouble. I also heard of a time when some other kids knocked him down and then actually pissed on his backpack. Freaking unreal and this was one of the nicest little boys you would ever meet.

[BadgerKid]

8. Two defense methods.

Martial arts and nutsack.

There are others out there like her. Hopes she comes to finding them.

[dddem]

11. As tempting as it seems, pulling her out of school won't help her in the long run

My daughter was painfully shy all through elementary school. We tried therapy, and it helped. But in addition, what really helped her was martial arts. She took karate for 6 years, and ended up with her Black Belt. More importantly, it helped her confidence tremendously. And it made me feel good to know that, despite her timid demeanor, in the event she needed to, she could defend herself. I think that knowledge was the most beneficial aspect of the training for her. Plus it's a great workout. You might want to consider having your daughter give it a try. Good luck to you. It sounds like you are doing a great job, and have a terrific kid!
Peace.

[Zoeisright]

12. You march into that school and raise HOLY HELL.

If you don't get satisfaction you threaten a lawsuit. You threaten to press charges against the bullies AND their parents. You go to the media. 9You don't stop fighting for your child.

Ignoring a bully does NOT work. The ONLY thing they understand is being squashed.

Edited to add: my husband is a teacher at an alternative high school - where the girls are pregnant and the boys have felony records. He loves those kids and tells them so. He also tells them that if they bully someone he's going to reach down their throats and rip out their heart.

[ejpoeta]

13. thank you. we had to fight with them to get emily tested!! we ended up having a meeting

and saying that if they could at least lead us in the right direction!! they gave us a list and we had her tested. She is highly intelligent but has a very strong personality. she likes to 'help' others.... telling them what they are doing wrong. that kind of stuff. i told her that you should help people if they ask for help and not point out what they are doing wrong all the time. One of the kids that is bullying her has been in her class every year since 2nd grade.... and he has been bothering her since 2nd grade!!!

[mzteris]

22. sounds like she may be leaning towards

the aspie-ish...

[ejpoeta]

23. we had her tested at the mental health clinic for aspergers. he said if she had it that it was very

slight. but she is very intelligent. i want to find the paperwork from when we had her tested for ADHD to see if they did an IQ test or anything on her. I am wondering if we should have her IQ tested.

[CoffeeCat]

15. My girls have experienced bullying...

..they are in 5th and 4th grade now, and we've been there. I feel for you and for your daughter.

In my opinion, if bullying like this is happening--then the school is doing a horrible job of protecting
the students. Kids do this because they think they can get away with it. There are so many
dysfunctional and angry kids out there. They are like hunters, looking for prey--and they're going to
look for vulnerable people until they find them. If the school is no threat--they continue bullying
because they don't fear the consequences.

Bullying is very, very serious. It does great psychological damage to the victims. Have you
read the studies about what happens to victims? If bullying is prolonged, kids are more likely
to show signs of serious mental illness. This has to stop and it has to stop now. That's what
you need to tell the school. You DEMAND that this stop.

I am also bothered by the fact that this is 5 males powering up on a girl. There is a sexist, violent
bent toward this that really bothers me. These boys sounds like little misogynists. I would
consider them dangerous. I'm not trying to scare you, but if they have absolutely no respect
for your daughter and receive some emotional payoff when they harm here--that's not safe for your
daughter. Five on one is unsafe...five boys on one girl--is even more unsafe.

I think you need to go to the mattresses with the school. If I were you, I would write them a letter.
Schools usually take parents seriously when problems are documented. They know that you hold the
upper hand, should a lawsuit eventually happen--because you are documenting your complaints
and the details of what has happened to your daughter. I would write down what your daughter has
told you, keep a record and continue documenting. In the letter, ask for a meeting with the principal
and let them know that this bullying has caused your daughter--and your entire family--psychological distress.

Our kids deserve to feel safe at school. They are there to learn and to better themselves--not to
be some punching bag for a bunch of little thugs. If five male adults did this to a female coworker--they
would be charged with stalking and they could be sued in civil court for harassment, stalking and
intentional infliction of distress.

You're a good parent and I love how you support your daughter being herself. You impart a great
deal of clever and wise information to her. However, she needs you to help end this abuse
against her. The schools are pathetic. The students are dysfunctional. It has to be the parents
who won't tolerate this.

Best of luck to you.

[ejpoeta]

17. honestly, she seemed to be handling it ok. she wouldn't offer any info up

but would tell me if asked. It seems to be taking a toll on her though which is concerning me. Thanks for the advice. I hadn't thought about the paper trail aspects here. I think I will talk to the principal to get a sense of what's going on and if anything has been done so far and if there isn't some way we can put a stop to this once and for all. I know the one kid has emotional problems. We've been dealing with him since 2nd grade. Again, thanks for the great advice.

[Sabriel]

20. Definitely start a paper trail

In this day and age, I'm constantly amazed that principals don't read their professional journals and get off their asses about bullying. The journals are rife with lawsuit and school-shooting stories, and they all come back non-intervention situations.

So start writing those letters, and cc them to the superintendent. Ask for a meeting, and if school doesn't intervene, think about talking to your local education reporter. That worked for one parent I know.

Good luck to you and your strong daughter.

[ejpoeta]

21. thanks. i talked to the counselor who didn't seem to know about any of it.

last he knew was when he intervened a few months ago after seeing a kid hit emily with the locker door. so he talked to her today to get names and what happened and will call me tomorrow. and if that isn't enough to stop it then i will be writing a letter.

[Sabriel]

24. You need to document that meeting

Send the counselor a letter that reiterates the points you discussed, along with the follow-through, thank the counselor for looking into it, then cc the whole thing to the principal.

You HAVE to document everything, even a phone call. I've seen way too many people conveniently forget about conversations...and promises....

[ejpoeta]

25. thanks! i will definitely do that.

[goddess40]

27. first get a notebook and keep a record

call the school or if you can go to the principal with every event. Write down names, dates, place, times as well as, as much detail of the bullying as you can. Let the school, superintendent and school board know you are doing this. Call the police for any bullying that includes physical contact.
Get a copy of Barbara Coloroso's book, The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander. She has great advice for those of us interested in the bullying problem.
Watch the Bullied DVD but out by the Southern Poverty Law Center http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/news/splc-s-new-anti-bullying-film-and-teaching-kit-now-available-to-educators-for-onli

[mrmpa]

28. Don't know if this will help but........................

My nephew was 12 when a kid punched him in the stomach, no provacation. My nephew doubled over in pain, he did not retaliate. He told a teacher, nothing done. He told his mother, she went to the Principal. Principal said there was nothing he could do, as the kid was special ed. I told my sister to file charges against the kid for assault with the local magistrate.

The magistrate, told the kid he didn't have a "special ed plan" in his courtroom. The kid was fined, put on probation through the juvenile system. he never bothered another kid again.

In your daughter's case, if the school is doing nothing, you could file charges of harassment and if the bully(s) have touched her, assault. Sometime the courts are the only way to proceed in these cases.

[vim876]

29. If the school doesn't respond actively enough...

and you have the kind of schedule and personality to make it possible, pull her out. As a victim of childhood bullying who grew up to suffer from mental illness (and, oh my, are they linked), I cannot stress enough how incredibly wrong the people who tell you she should just learn to defend herself are. Maybe hitting a kid will stop physical aggression, but relational aggression won't be stopped with violence. Anyway, do you really want to teach your kid that violence is the answer? And those who tell you she'll have to deal with it in the real world, that's crap. I've never been in a situation as awful as 3rd through 10th grade, and if I were, I could move away or press charges. More importantly, adult brains are more able to deal with this kind of adversity than kid-or-tween brains. Please don't tell her to ignore it and they'll go away. Often, that makes kids feel like if ignoring bullies doesn't work, that it must be their own fault. No one deserves to be bullied, no matter how awkward or socially unskilled they are. Do whatever you can to get your child out of this situation. "Toughening up" a kid is not worth the increased risk of a lifetime of eating disorders, suicide attempts, etc. Your kid likely isn't even telling you all of how bad it is, for fear of retribution if you cause some disciplinary action to be taken. Emotional abuse is abuse, even if it's coming from peers rather than parents, and no one should have to live with its legacy.

[MaileySmith]

30. Safety Solution

As parents, one of the worst things we can discover is that our children are being bullied. However, it's important to know that we can do something about it. What can we do as a parent if our child is being bullied. Open communication with your children is very important so that you can address immediately their problems in school. Ensuring their safety all the time is our top priority. That's the reason why I provided my children with SafeKidZone it's an application through their cell phone that they can use if they are in danger and in need of help. I will be notified if there is an emergency happening to them. I find this application very useful to my kids because they gain confidence. Protection for kids http://safekidzone.com/