The Gay Demographics thread got me to thinking...

[SacredCow]

This is a roundabout response to the Gay Demographics thread.... This is also something of a revisit to a lot of my journey to where I am now, personally, and my $0.02 on a lot of what's been happening lately. Read it if you want, skip it if you prefer- or just put me on ignore, if you must. :)

I was home the other night kind of doing some PC maintenance- cleaning up and deleting old links, etc. I joined gay dot com some time ago, but quickly discovered that it was mostly ads, junk, and chatting with people who either want to hook up for a quickie (not really my thing) or have cyber-sex (also not my thing- but dif'rent strokes!).

Anyhoo- a quick browse of some local profiles revealed plenty of people I know (or at least know of). But then I start seeing the profiles marked as "married but curious" or something similar. Really and truly- I think they equaled or outnumbered the number of "normal" profiles. And this isn't the only website where this phenomenon is seen, either. Of course, having once been married myself I very much understand being in that boat.

While I was married, I (like many others) felt like I was alone in my confusion and depression. During this time, if someone had asked me my orientation (even anonymously), I more than likely would have said straight. I would say that the reason for my answer would be a combination of factors, including but not limited to the stigma of an alternate sexuality, the desire to be "normal," and the fact that up until the last months of my marriage, I had never acted upon my "forbidden desires." Call it denial, call it lying to myself, call it lying to others- the end result is the same. I absolutely have regrets about the path I took, and feel that it was unfair to my wife to be put through all of this (though she was surely not blameless, but that's a story for another day). All things considered, I think my situation and response was not atypical, meaning that most people who are busy deceiving themselves and others would probably not give an honest answer if they were questioned as to their sexuality.

So how are all of these "curious" types counted in an attempt to determine the percentage of Gay or Lesbian folks within a population? Would they even tell the truth if asked? Is it fair to lump them in with the gay group? Many, many questions here- and if those being questioned aren't honest.... Well, obviously the survey results won't be worth the paper it's written on.

As flawed as it is, I do believe in the Kinsey sliding scale. My marriage to my wife was NOT a total sham- I did love her very much at the time and if I were totally honest with myself at the time, I would have realized that in those times I was probably bi. The events of a bitter and spiteful divorce pushed me more to the gay side of the scale, where I remain. This is not to say that I hate women, or a woman drove me to be gay. It's just that my sexuality was somewhat less-than-cemented into place and I was vulnerable or open to change by forces beyond my control.

My final thought is just this: I don't care if I'm one of 50%, one of 5%, one of 0.5% or even one of 0.000000000005%. I'm a person- no more, and no less- and a citizen of the US and deserve to be seen as an equal under the eyes of the law. I don't give a crap what your church, your pastor, your mother, your grandmother, your husband's brother's former roommate's massage therapist, etc... thinks of me, and neither should the government. All of the infighting among us ("us" meaning dems in general, and the GLBTQ constituency specifically), quite frankly, depresses the hell out of me. I've made posts that agree 99.99% with the OP, only to have said OP come back and want to fight and be snarky over the 0.01%. In a word, it's ridiculous. This is NOT the road to progress in GLBTQ rights; we have been officially derailed. And the saddest part is that so many posters here seem to be OK with that (hell, even basking in it).

edited for clarity

[MADem]

1. I've always been of the mind that what one does with their fiddly bits is no business of mine

or anyone else's, save the person who's doing the fiddling.

What I do think is that if you give a right to one person, you really should give it to all people. And you shouldn't worry about "fiddly bits" when giving out that right, either.

If people would just stop concerning themselves with private behavior that doesn't actually concern them, we'd all be better off.

[SacredCow]

4. And neither am I DEFINED by what I do with my fiddly bits....

put another way... Just because I use my fiddly bits in a specific way doesn't mean that I have to agree with other people (who also use their fiddly bits in the same way) about everything.

As dems, we should be able to accept (and even embrace) other viewpoints but it's looking to be less and less the case.

:(

[MADem]

5. Indeed, why should people be required to use those fiddly bits at all?

It's no one's business. There's no "fiddly bits TEST" required for marriage, after all. No more waving of bloody sheets, public deflowerings, all that foolishness.

Rights for one?

Rights for all. Works for me.

I do take your larger point, though. You tire of the acrimony.

What ever happened to disagreeing without being disagreeable? That's probably the thing to which we should aspire.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. I was moved by your post

I've known gay guys who were married and, like you, considered themselves straight until the point came where they could not deny their true selves any longer. Like you, I think sexuality is a sliding scale, not something that is set in stone, though society would have us think that we can only be hetero- or homo-sexual. I see those married by curious ones to be folks who are generally exploring and wanting to find out more about their sexuality. I think in any report listing the percentage of hetero-, homo-, bi-, there should also be "not sure", and I think a lot would fall into that category.

All that being said, your sexual orientation is your own business. The only reason it should ever be mine would be if you used that orientation as an excuse for hurtful behavior towards me.

Otherwise, whatever works for you and helps you discover your true self.

[SacredCow]

3. Thanks.... And sorry for rambling! n/t

[Eryemil]

6. Just because they are married it does not make them anything but gay

They've just gotten particularly good at deceiving both themselves and others.

[SacredCow]

7. Well, I can't judge too much.....

I surely wasn't "good" at it. But I am guessing that most continue to be curious, and maybe get their kicks on the side. I'm not wired that way, so for me it had to be the catalyst for change. All for the better, though.