HI--I am a volunteer adviser in my daughter's Gay-Straight Alliance and have a question:

[coffeenap]

I love these HS kids and feel so honored to be able to be around to support them. I have a question though, and maybe someone here can help me. While presenting information on various experiences and ideas, some of the students who feel victimized themselves by anti-GLBT language are using derogatory language about others with the same ease as biased people use the f word toward gay men. Oh, it makes me so mad! I always hold my words because this subject will take a thoughtful approach to have an effect. I wonder if anyone has experience with such a situation and could give me a word of wisdom. I want these kids to be just as concerned about others as they are for themselves. I am going to suggest we have a meeting dedicated to "hate and hurt speech". What would you do??

TIA! m. in Illinois

[foxfeet]

1. I like your idea.

I'd allow the kids who feel victimized to tell their stories and then use that to segue into the power of speech to hurt others in general and especially other minority groups. Someone needs to connect the dots for these kids-- being adolescent, they may not make the connection between their own pain and the pain they cause to others. Having the meeting will ideally lay the groundwork for ongoing discussion of this issue. Good luck and thanks for your work!

[coffeenap]

2. Great idea--and it could certainly work! Maybe I can subtly guide

the conversation once their own pain has been thoughtfully addressed. Thanks so much!

[Constance Craving]

3. A great resource for this is

Teaching Tolerance. It is a magazine/resource for teachers, educators, advisors of all kinds. it is a project of the Southern Poverty Law Center. I have used it in various ways with various groups of kiddos, all ages, abilities, etc. Just Google "Teaching Tolerance" and you get right to the website. They have a great project, called Mix it up at lunch" about sitting with new/different groups at school to get rid of cliques, or mitigating their influence.

feel free to pm me if you want more info or ideas. I teach theater (political theater) and have lots of exercises, the kind that get you out of your seat interacting, around abusive language, power and control in physical and verbal presentation etc.

[coffeenap]

13. Thanks--I used Teaching Tolerance years ago in a lower

school setting--didn't think of it for this. I will look at it again. I am a long time supporter of the SPLC. (I must say, the word "tolerance" itself can have some drawbacks, but I love the work the center does and I will certainly revisit their program. best wishes.

[Constance Craving]

34. "Tolerance" is a big trigger word

I know from what MY theater teacher taught me. But, getting past the name, there is just so much awesome-ness to be had. Best of luck.

[yardwork]

4. Why are the GSA kids using derogatory language against others?

I'd find out what is causing that problem, because it sounds like there is a deep hurt there that is being expressed in strong terms. Until that underlying issue is addressed, just telling people not to curse at one another is probably not going to be particularly effective.

The other reason I wonder if there is an underlying issue is that my kids' GSA is made up of the most progressive and thoughtful kids in the high school, and I'd be very, very surprised to hear them speak in a derogatory way about anybody - unless, of course, something had upset them so much that their normally kind, tolerant behavior was tossed out the window.

[LostinVA]

10. I wonder if the OP has misunderstood, because I would be very surprised if this is true

In my experience, GSA kids tend to be the most sensitive and diverse group of HS kids around.

[coffeenap]

14. That was what surprised my daughter and me. I think they are

currently so very focused on their own difficulties that they haven't the energy or maybe the strength to think of others the same way. This is a suburban upper middle class population who arrives with built in biases supported by their family histories. If we don't examine our biases, we seldom address them the way we need to. I want to help them see without adding more hurt. best wishes.

[yardwork]

27. It turns out that the people making these derogatory remarks where the speakers, not the GSA.

[coffeenap]

28. Nope, the two examples were the former student president and

the other example is the current GSA student president. best wishes.

[yardwork]

30. I'm finding it very difficult to follow your contradictory posts.

In any case, you have received good advice here.

[coffeenap]

32. Presenters are also sometimes members, members speak at

meetings, other kids respond. The presenters who spoke were also members. Very simple. I gave two examples to illustrate my question. I am not that complex. And, yes , I did receive good advice for which I have thanked each person to whom I am grateful. I don't know why you are rubbed the wrong way. Want to come to a meeting and see what we do? I don't think you will be disappointed. best wishes.

[yardwork]

33. I appreciate your work, and my kids have gotten a lot from their GSA clubs.

It's important work and I thank you for it.

[noamnety]

5. I think you are on the right track

our GSA routinely talks in terms of oppressed minorities - and it probably helps that the members have a range of ethnicities. They are really good at seeing the connections. That recent PSA about "that's so gay" might be a good clip to show as a discussion point, since it makes the connections.

If you want to be not-confrontational about it, you could flip it around a bit and ask them if they hear other minority groups using antigay speech, and ask the students why they think those minorities don't see the connections. (It's a little less direct than asking why they themselves don't see it, but it might make them think.)

[coffeenap]

17. Thanks--that is just what I think I will do. It will make for a great

discussion and knowing these kids, they will take away a new point of view. best wishes.

[dsc]

6. as an advisor I have a policy posted in my room stating that we don't use derogatory words toward

any group of people. I am quite surprised that you are experiencing that problem to be honest, pm me if you would like some more info and thanks for the work, it is greatly needed.

[coffeenap]

15. Thanks for the offer--I will keep it in mind as we get back to

meeting after finals. The kids in this group are wonderful. I don't want to criticize them, just try to show them that what they say about or to others can have the same effect as what they hear about themselves. We have had big talks about how teens tend to use the word "gay" to mean stupid, and when the kids are actually confronted about the use of the word, they say really had just never thought of it as hurtful, and often stop using it. I want to do the same for "retard" and "those people" and things like that. I believe it is simply a matter of awareness. best wishes.

[Smarmie Doofus]

7. Good advice in the posts above... plus:

don't forget they are HS kids before they are GLBT kids and HS kids tend to be simplistic and reactive in their thinking. ( No, not all, but that is the tendency.)

[coffeenap]

18. Yes, and I personally would like to help them focus on the

similarities they have with other teens so they don't feel so COMPLETELY separate from everyone else. My daughter and I have discussed how much straight and not straight teens have in common--maturation issues, social consciousness development, academic struggles, family issues, emotional problems not related to sexuality, etc. So many of these kids feel isolated and I want to help them find ways to join back up with the larger world of the arts, science, social action, and all the other opportunities NOT related to their sexual orientation while at the same time addressing the very important differences. best wishes and thanks!

[Jamastiene]

8. Contact Teaching Tolerance at the Southern Poverty Law Center.

http://www.splcenter.org/center/tt/teach.jsp

That would be THE BEST resource you could use, imho. You are on the right track.

[coffeenap]

20. Thanks--I do admire them so much and I will look again at

their program. I used it years ago about racism and didn't even think of it for this. best wishes.

[Pacifist Patriot]

9. You are getting some really good advice.

From my perspective, I can tell you that having a "Covenant of Right Relations" is crucial for any group of people, whatever the purpose.

I think you are definitely on the right track in having a meeting dedicated to awareness of what constitutes hate and hurt speech. While some find it surprising that the oppressed also engage in derogatory language, I do not. It is a defense mechanism that is entirely understandable even though the people engaged in the behavior are having to hold some competing values in tension.

A Covenant of Right Relations works best when the people in the group come up with the guidelines themselves rather than having them imposed by authority figures or someone from outside the group. I find they tend to police themselves more deligently and more compassionately at the same time.

Use "I" language and do not be afraid to call attention to derogatory language.

For example, "Jim, when you use the word 'XYZ' to refer to 'John,' I am uncomfortable because I ...." Take responsibility for your feelings about the language rather than his decision to use the phrase. Odds are the person is not consciously aware he is mirroring behavior he deplores. This is a different tactic than, "Jim you shouldn't call 'John' an 'XYZ' because that is wrong."

You can go on to ask the individual why he or she chooses to use this sort of language. "Jim, would you be willing to share with us why you refer to 'John' as an 'XYZ' so we can understand the situation better?"

I know this sounds horribly stilted and unnatural, but it really does work in practice.

I think teenagers are mature enough to handle Marshall Rosenburg's, "Nonviolent Communication." You might consider introducing that book to them. It is a really easy read. I managed it in 2-3 days at my parent's house (which is saying alot!). Not only would it's principles be of value in your own meetings, but the kids will benefit as they put the language into practice in all areas of their lives.

Good luck and thanks!

[coffeenap]

21. Oh, thanks so much! What great insight. I will certainly review

your ideas as I get ready to address all of this next week. I will certainly get a copy of the book and share it. The kids in this group are very smart but their awareness of this type of communication is a bit lacking. I blame our suburban society for the most part, so I will work to help them enlighten themselves. Maybe it will spread! Many thanks and best wishes.

[Zuiderelle]

11. That just doesn't ring true to me. Can you give an example of the "derogatory language" they use?

[coffeenap]

12. Yes--the former president of the group came to visit to talk about

his experience at college. He goes to Tulane. He spoke of how "they" don't deserve help since "they" haven't helped themselves and deserve to be homeless and that "most people" think that neighborhood is better served by being under water. Also, another presenter used the word "retarded" in a room of students that includes at least one person with brain function issues. I am a very understanding and progressive person. Most of the kids in the group consider themselves the same, so that is why I came here for advice. Sometimes we are so focused on our own issues that we forget to examine those of others. Sorry it doesn't ring true, but the surprise of it is why I came to this forum. Thank you for your legitimate question. best wishes.

[Zuiderelle]

16. So basically two people said something unacceptable. From your OP it sounded more widespread in the

group.

Both instances are unacceptable, I agree. One was a former president, not a current member, so the best you can do is explain what was wrong with how he spoke. The other should definitely be educated about using the word "retarded."

Thanks for the clarification. I'm glad it's not as bad as it seemed. I'd be very surprised by a group of GLBT students routinely using inappropriate and derogatory language.

[coffeenap]

19. I am sorry I made it sound pervasive. I was just so surprised to

hear it at all, and to see that the kids did not immediately repudiate the comments, that I wanted to get in there rather quickly to get it all on the table, so to speak. The kids are great--I just love being with them. Most have never met a parent who doesn't judge them--that part makes me so sad. But, now they know one!! ;-)

[Zuiderelle]

25. I think it is very important to be a good, and loving, influence as you are trying to be.

Those kids will definitely benefit.

[LostinVA]

22. Lots of very progressive DUers use the word "retarded"

I alert on every one. It's very similar to the use of "gay" as meaning "stupid." It's offensive, and so many people think it isn't until they're educated.

So... I guess the OP exaggerated a bit, eh?

[coffeenap]

23. I did not mean to exaggerate, I came here because I want to

help the kids. If I seem insincere to you, feel free to pm and discuss. I am trying for honest discourse. All teens have things to learn and I am there to be supportive and help them, that is all there is to it.

[Bluenorthwest]

31. That is a peeve of mine as well

all the various forms of the word as well.

[yardwork]

26. The speaker's comments were absolutely unacceptable - I'd use that as a teachable moment.

It's a shame that this speaker was a former president of the group, but fortunate that he is no longer involved. If I were in your position, I would talk directly with that speaker and express your disapproval of his comments. Then I'd talk with the group of current GSA students and let them tell you what was wrong - you might be surprised how many of them recognized it during the talk and didn't speak up simply because they didn't want to interrupt or appear rude. You could discuss appropriate ways to speak up as an audience when a speaker starts making bigoted remarks.

Ditto for the presenter using the word "retarded." It sounds like your problem is with presenters, not the members of the group.

edit - typo

[coffeenap]

29. I think you are right about the kids' reactions. I am looking forward

to hearing their points of view when we get back together. Thanks. (The kids consider last year's president a current member, btw.)

[coffeenap]

24. Thank you to everyone who answered my question. I am looking

forward to being with the kids again next week and have gained insight from all of your comments. Guess what? We got our giant high school to allow us to sponsor its first-ever GSA dance!!!! Can't wait! Five other schools are invited--gonna be a blast!