If anyone has any advice for me I would be ever so grateful...

[mcctatas]

My youngest daughter (age 13 1/2) came out to me about 6 months ago, I am pretty sure it is not a "phase" (and how degrading is that? I knew I was straight when I was 13, why should it be a phase if a child is not?). She is brilliant and beautiful and witty and I love her to death. She has had a girlfriend for the past several months and I monitor their alone time just like I do with my other daughter and boys. Last night she slept over at her g/f's house (whose mother is also aware of and seemingly OK with their relationship) and as I was leaving to pick her up she called me in tears and said that I had to come right away. Apparently the g/f's fundie father had become suspicious of their relationship and started yelling at the girlfriend and then took it upon himself to tell my daughter that, not only is she never allowed to see the girl again, she is also destined for an eternity in hell.

Both of the girls denied it and the mother tried to tell him that teenage girls are notoriously clingy etc etc. My daughter is devastated because she lost her girlfriend and best friend all at once. My question is should I try to intervene in some way with the dad? If I am able to convince him that it was all just a big misunderstanding, am I making it worse in the long run for her? Should I just stay out of it?

[Cato the Younger]

1. First of all, make sure your daughter knows you love her

It sounds like she already does but verbalize it now, especially after this assult from the fundie father. I would try to talk with the other father as well; in a few days, let him cool down a little bit. And then try to reason with him. But if he is like my parents were when I came out; no matter of reason will help. But you have to make a serious effort to talk with the father and help your daughter's friendship.

And since they are already 13, the girls will find a way to still be friends, with or without parental approval. That's what being a teenager is all about.

[bkkyosemite]

3. Support your daughter as much as possible with lots of love and understanding and don't

bother with the fundie dad as he is brainwashed and will not listen. My opinon of course.

[dsc]

2. Honestly that is a tough decision

It gets down to just how hard headed will the fundy father be and you don't know that. If he comes around he would then wait and be honest is the best course, if not, then try to intervene and be less than honest.

[MineralMan]

4. Frankly, I doubt you will be able to do anything to change

the father's mind. It's very sad, and how awful for your daughter, but I don't think you'll be able to fix the problem. The father sounds like a classic fundamentalcase homophobe. I'd be concerned with the safety of the two girls if he's in the picture with both of them around.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

5. I would go after him with both barrels loaded

That he even cast any kind of aspersions on your daughter, which he did by implication, is beside the point.

The point is, where does he get off condemning a child?

I'm so angry on your behalf right now, I'd gladly do the job for you. I hate bullies, and this man sounds like the worst kind. Where the fuck is her mother, and why is this man allowed to treat her daughter like that?

But, of course, no, you would just make life more miserable than it already is for that poor girl.

I'd certainly make that girl really welcome in my home, and let her mother know it.

That man is a fucking blight. Tell him to go work out his sexual dysfunctions somewhere else, not on young girls.

[DURHAM D]

6. Sounds like the problem begins with games being played between the parents of the other girl.

Just support your own daughter. She is lucky to have an understanding parent. And, if you are married or your child's father is in her/your life make sure that he is getting a full education and an opportunity to understand.

[liberalmuse]

7. It sounds like your daughter is lucky...

but the daughter of the other parents, not so much. Poor girl! I feel bad for your daughter as well, but with you being her father, she'll no doubt know that she is loved regardless of her sexuality, and that what the other father did was unacceptable, and small. I don't know that you should intervene with the dad. You're not liable to change his mind on anything. I think that his daughter will end up sneaking around, and she may be the one who needs the support if and when she ends up at your house because things have gotten so bad at home.

On edit: HOWEVER, you should tell the father that it is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE for him to project his religious nonsense onto a teenaged girl. "You are to never, ever shame my daughter for who she is! You've no right!" That just makes my blood boil. I'd definitely let him know how I felt about that. Again, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you will know exactly the right thing to do.

[Warpy]

8. You're not going to change an idiot blowhard

and you'll only make it worse, so I'd advise you to stay out of it. Let your daughter know she and her friend are welcome in your house and that they can still see each other in school. Just let her know that idiot blowhard fundy fathers can be very hard on their children who don't fit the fundy stereotype in any way and that her friend might be the one to break things off if it isn't safe.

This is a very tough lesson to have to learn at 13.

[Believing Is Art]

9. Are you on friendly terms with the other mother?

It's great that you love your daughter and she has supportive friends and parents. But aside from telling the father that you don't care what his beliefs are you will not tolerate his verbal harassment of your daughter, I don't think it's appropriate or possible to try and reason with him. I am worried about your daughter's girlfriend though. Her father doesn't accept her. If you are friendly with her mother, I think you should talk to her. There are issues in that family that will not end well unless he can come to terms with his daughter's sexuality.

Let your daughter know that you love her and that her girlfriend's dad is wrong. I hope it all works out for the best :pals:

[mcctatas]

10. I have never really talked to either of them about anything other

than pick up and drop off times but the mother (actually step mother) did just call my daughter to make sure she was OK and she told her that things will be tough for a while but it will all blow over (I myself am dubious that 43 years of religious dogma will blow over for the dad but at least my daughter is feeling a little bit hopeful).

I have now gone from being sad and worried to completely freaking enraged! As an above poster pointed out, what a freaking bully this man is! I think i am going to put myself in a time out on the subject for a few days and then make a decision but I have told my daughter repeatedly that there is nothing wrong with her and she is loved endlessly (so many times tonight that she just said 'yes mother, I get it, you love me, now can I please just watch TV? so her smartass bone did not suffer from the encounter)

[Believing Is Art]

15. Sounds like he wears the pants, which is unfortunate

I get the impression he is controlling and his wife likes to put a positive spin on things, but can't really force him to do anything. I really hope he budges on this issue for your daughter's sake and for his daughter's sake.

Nothing can kill the smartass bone in a teenager! Usually adulthood isn't successful in killing it, either.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

11. If a fundie told my child that s/he was "destined for an eternity in hell"...

said fundie would be hearing from me. I wouldn't try to reason with him/change his opinion, but would make it clear that what he said was wholly unacceptable.

How close are you to the mother -- can you talk to her about this? Do the girls go to the same school? Do you think that the relationship between the two girls is really lost? Speaking as a former teenager, being forbidden to see someone usually means squat. I don't mean to suggest sneaking about, but if the girls are close (in whatever capacity), I imagine they'll find a way to remain close.

[mcctatas]

12. I am concerned that the father would do something outrageous

if I were to facilitate them sneaking around in any way, I am however planning on practicing selective ignorance. I think the mom is just trying to keep the peace and keep the dad from exploding. Once I got over being sad I have become extremely pissed off!

[WorseBeforeBetter]

16. Yeah, no one wants that.

I read your post above. The stepmother sounds relatively sane as far as calling to check on your daughter and offering some encouraging words. And definitely get through any emotions before approaching Dad, if you do decide to approach Dad. Calm, cool, collected...

[Phoenix-Risen]

13. I wonder how fundie daddy would have reacted

if it was a 13 year old boy with his daughter?

[mcctatas]

14. I have a feeling that would have gone over poorly as well

(she wears a purity ring) but not as poorly as this did.

[PaddyBlueEyes]

17. Gimme the phone...

:rofl: Honestly babe, you need to sit the girls and him down and talk about it. Explain to him that when they are at your house, their time is monitored and you havent had any problems. Also, politely (and if politely doesnt work, give me the phone is serious) explain to him that his religious beliefs are just that, HIS beliefs and that you would appreciate not telling M that she will spend eternity in hell. Also, get C's mom involved, she may be able to help persuade dumbass that he is overeacting. Give it some time to blow over...and tell M that I love her and everything will work itself out. my .02 ..ILY :hug:

[mcctatas]

18. Wow!

that is good advice and no violence implied! You are growing up love! :evilgrin:

Thank you baby, everyone has been so helpful with this :hug:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

19. The violence comes when he is rude

to my stepdaughter...:mad:

[D-Lee]

20. There are three different issues

First, you should check with your daughter and ask her what she would like to you to do.

Second, ask your daughter and her friend's mother if the friend is in any danger -- ask the mother if there is anything that should be done for the friend.

Third, consider what YOU want to do for your daughter,including anything to protect her reputation or standing in school and the community.

Very rough. Give her a big hug. You sound like a great parent!

[Toasterlad]

21. Since It's NOT a "Big Misunderstanding", Nothing Is Gained By Trying to Pretend It Was

The asshole father found out about the girl's relationship. Even if you were able to pull the wool over his eyes, his daughter will still be (presumably) gay, forever. You'd just be delaying the inevitable.

Unfortunately, it's none of your business how this asshole chooses to raise his daughter...and he's free to say whatever he likes to YOUR daughter when she's in his house. If you're trying to salvage the relationship between your daughter and her girlfriend, your best hope is her mother, who hopefully has some degree of control over her idiotic husband. Teenagers being teenagers, however; odds are your daughter and her girlfriend will continue to meet regardless of what her jackass father thinks. It would behoove you to talk with your daughter and her girlfriend and gauge just how dangerous the situation may be for them (i.e. is the father going to go bat-shit Jeebus-lubber on them and potentially become violent) and make sure all precautions are taken to ensure everyone's safety.

Also, if there's ANY evidence whatsoever of physical abuse, you should call protective services. Sadly, being a homophobic religious nut is not yet grounds to remove a child from their parents.