Looking for advice on how to handle an issue with a young teenager.

[Amimnoch]

I figured here would be the one of the best resources I might have since I know we have a number of educators, and others who deal with childrens issues regularly.

Here's what my situation is. My neighbors son is 14 years old. Everyone in my neighborhood knows that my partner and I are a gay couple. I currently have a friendly, and pretty good relationship with my neighbors. Both of my neighbors work, and over the last 2 years I've lived here, it's been normal for their son to come and visit after school while waiting for his parents to come home. The last few months though, he has been getting curious about my partner and I's relationship and asking more and more questions. For the easy ones (like "you and Rudy are a gay couple, right?") I've given him an answer, but the more personal questions he's started asking, I'd simply say "it's not appropriate for me to discuss that with you." and "maybe that would be a better question for your parents." Yesterday he came by and told me, after beating around the bush for some time that he "thinks he might be gay too."

I am at an absolute loss in how to deal with this. He has also stated to me that it has him feeling depressed sometimes. I don't want to mess things up with my neighbors, I don't want to turn away this young man, and possibly make him more depressed, but I am certainly NOT the right person to help him with his thoughts or feelings on this!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

1. Are there any groups for gay teens in the area or anything at his school?

[Amimnoch]

2. I live in Katy, Texas. I'd be very suprised if there is, but I'll ask him when he comes over next.

[LostinVA]

3. At the very least, there's a PFLAG in your state

Google and call or email them for advice.

[Amimnoch]

7. PFLAG! Thanks, I hadn't even considered turning there.

I already have a friend who works at the downtown Houston chapter.

[Lefta Dissenter]

4. wow

I wish I could help with advice, but I am in no position to, seeing as how I'm straight, but would not have a problem at all with either of my kids being gay... so I can't relate to anyone's position in this. Most of all, I just wanted to give you a :hug: and say that I'm sorry this is even an issue in our society. I'm sure you'll get some good guidance from DUers, and I'm glad you're there for this young man to reach out to - even if just so you can steer him toward others who can help him to figure out how he can lead a happy life. A few more... :hug: :hug: :hug: and a :grouphug: just for good measure.

[Amimnoch]

8. It's been a long time for me, but I still remember how isolated, and lonely it can feel being

"different that way". Thanks much, and :hug: back to you!

[KitchenWitch]

5. Is there a Gay-Straight Alliance at his school?

That might be a good place to start for him. It is cool that he feels safe enough with you to discuss it.

Other than that, I really do not know what you should do.

I know if my son or daughter came to me and told me that they thought they were gay, I would still love them unconditionally. I would not cast them out of my heart or my family. But I am not sure how it is with your neighbors.

Thankfully I had a most excellent example of unconditional parental love in my family. My cousin (who died of AIDS in 1990) came out to his parents right after he was told he had HIV. As his health deteriorated (this was the 1980s), his mother stepped up and became his (and his partner's) full time caretaker until they both passed. These were conservative republicans. They are now Democrats, and are active in the AIDS community in Milwaukee. In fact both of them were Grand Marshalls for the Pride Parade in Milwaukee several years ago.

[Amimnoch]

10. I will ask him if there's a chapter at his school.. I'll be very suprised if there is

I live in an area that I don't think one of those chapters will be well supported at all.

His parents, my partner and I have gotten along just fine, but I am concerned that if he comes out to them, there's always that chance that they will look at me as some who "recruited their baby".

I hear you about your family. Rudy and I both have been very fortunate to have extremely supporting families that not only supported and gave unconditional love to each of us, but has taken to us as a couple very well. My inlaws are family to me now, as mine are to him.

[sandnsea]

6. He chose you

If you don't feel up to the task, find a professional who can guide you and that you can eventually steer the young man towards. But for now, you're the piece of the village raising this child. He's 14, not 4, and 14 year olds regularly seek out adults to help them with various problems. If you're listening 90% of the time, you're probably doing great. If you don't know what to say to something, just say so. Teens love honesty and trust is built when you admit you don't know everything. Don't be afraid to say you need to think about this or that. Eventually you can say you have a friend who is much wiser and steer him towards a professional if you think it's necessary.

It's wonderful that you're there for him, think of the kids who have nobody, and are facing so many different issues all alone.

:hug:

[BR_Parkway]

9. First step is to protect everyone and make sure that you and he aren't

alone at any point. Then find a PFLAG group to talk to, they will have more experience with a variety of situations and outcomes vs any of our individual stories which may or may not have been the 'best' way to handle it.

There's obviously some trust built up for him to come to you and that should be valued - Good luck to both of you.

[mitchtv]

11. It would freak me out

never be alone with that kid, I don't care how friendly you are with any one of the family. I would be fair to explain why to the kid , also . He is old enough to understand how dangerous things can get, and how much you value his parents reapect. Good Luck

[Jamastiene]

13. I would advise that too.

I learned that a long time ago. I will not be alone with a kid ever. Most people in my area automatically think being gay automatically makes a person a child molester too. The best advice I was ever given was to never be alone with a child and never have to deal with those small minds trying to ruin your reputation and possibly the kid's reputation and worse, the kid's mental health too.

[Zuiderelle]

15. I think that's going way too far. Any child can accuse any adult of anything.

I disagree with the advice that this OP should not be alone with the kid. If that kid is going to do something horrible like falsely accuse him of something, he can already do that, claiming that the abuse already happened some time in the past. It would feel like abandonment to that poor kid if he suddenly stopped spending any time alone with him.

Being gay is no reason to avoid being alone with children. I understand the fear, and I suppose it should be a thought if there is some reason to suspect that a certain child might cause an issue like that, but... damn. I will never let my being gay stop me from anything any other adult would do. How is it any different than a straight person being alone with a child?

My son's friends' parents certainly never worry about me being alone with their children. It would be really creepy if they did.

[Jamastiene]

17. It really depends on the town where you live.

Where I live, OMFG, you would not believe it. Think Deliverance and add blaming a lesbian for being raped. That's what happened to me back then. Not only was I raped when I first came out, but I was physically attacked in several other cases as well. I as just asking a friend what I could do to make the attacks stop. That's the only reason I would offer that advice. I understand what you say ( "How is it any different than a straight person being alone with a child?" ) but I also know what some towns are like. In my hometown and in lots of areas of this country (and the world), that advice is the best advice. Trust me.

[Zuiderelle]

18. I am so sorry. I had no idea.

:hug:

(And you're right, it definitely depends where you live. I grew up in a small town in Texas myself, and it probably would be good advice there. Unfortunately.)

[Peace Patriot]

12. "I don't want to mess things up with my neighbors...". That's a tough one, but if

the kid's depressed, you probably should put your own fears aside, and try to arrange an honest meeting with him and his parents. If it was my kid, I'd sure want to know what was going on with him. The parents are often the last to know, when it comes to serious teenage problems. I know that from experience (--and am so grateful to a teacher who finally clued me in to a serious problem my teenage son had, that I knew nothing about). But only you can be the judge of how his parents might handle this (or blow it). Your description doesn't provide any sense of who they are--except maybe by implication, that, a) the kid may be afraid to talk to them, but b) they know you're gay and let their son stay with you.

It's certainly not unusual for a teenager to be secretive with his/her parents. It's part of growing up--differentiating yourself from your parents, creating your own identity. It's a necessary process. It can be very wounding to parents, by the way. I know that from experience, too. And the closer you are to your child, the more wounding it can be, when the child reaches the age where he needs to shut you out. Depending on what kind of parents these are, the news that their son has not confided in them might be more disturbing/hurtful than their son's gayness (or maybe gayness). But they DO need to face it--that their son has confided in someone else. If they are homophobic, they might displace this inner hurt (at his rejection) onto you and your being gay. That's a risk you would take in talking to them.

Ideally, a meeting of you, the son, the parents and a counselor--all together--might be best--or, all the adults meeting. I imagine that you want to assure them that you have not influenced their son. If they displace their fears/rejection onto you, that needs to be dealt with--and a counselor would spot it. You currently have the problem of the kid confiding in you, and not them. This puts you in a bind. Should you tell them, behind his back? Should you try to get the kid to tell them? Maybe you should discuss some theoretical scenarios of disclosure with the kid--?? Explain your dilemma truthfully to him, tell him you're concerned both about his parents' reaction to you and your partner, but you are even more concerned about his depression; tell him how hard it can be to come out to your parents, but (if you think this is the case with these parents), honesty is the best thing, and the sooner the better. Most parents, even most homophobic ones, would be horrified to find out that their close-mindedness had driven their child to suicide. Maybe talk to him about their actual or potential problems. And keep in mind that, at 14, the kid may want to reject/be rejected by them.

As with a lot of problems--especially with teenagers--it may just have to stay messy and uncertain. I had one such situation, very similar to this, but not about homophobia, with a group of teenagers. The situation was potentially threatening to me; I made decisions based on my judgment of their safety and well-being, and not on what anyone else might think. The situation stayed messy--and eventually they just grew up, into adults. There was no easy solution. Teenagers are great a creating excruciating dilemmas for adults. It's what they do.

[TheWraith]

14. Unless you think his parents wouldn't be cool about it, I suggest you still point him back there.

The fact is that while it's understandable for him to seek out somebody he feels is like him, his first line of communication should be with his family.

[Smarmie Doofus]

16. The "Katy, Texas" part limits one's options.

Don't turn him away. Seems like the best option right now ( it's a menu of difficult options) is work on him to talk to his parents himself.

This assumes that there's no suitable "professional" help... e.g. guidance counselor, therapist, etc. .... available.

It's a pickle. So far you're making good moves. Keep us posted.

[dsc]

19. This is a tough one

First, you do have to protect yourself and him by at least minimizing your time alone with him. Do stuff in the yard or on your porch, keep drapes open that kind of thing.

Second, presuming there isn't a GSA you need to find a professional, maybe a sympathetic teacher or psychiatrist or minister for the kid to talk this over with. I can see why you are reluctant but the kid trusts you and the parents at least trust you some. You are well positioned to help him with this.