Bi situation

[undergroundpanther]

What I am asking is a end to this debate..
How does the gay community in general handle bisexuals with opposite sex partners seeking multiple kinships? I know some people don't give a shit they like whom they like and they ask if they can and all is fine .. But others get awkward in this kind of situation. And there is hang ups in the gay community to navigate too.
I am in a long term relationship with a bisexual male I am an androgyny Bisexual transgender ftm.

Now our relationship is open because we know we are both bi and honest about it.He has hooked up with guys before..I have been there and not been there depending on the guys and what they wanted.. We we all freinds anyways. But I have not hooked up with any women yet in this way in this relationship..He encourages me to too.


My relationship with the Bi guy it is rewarding..but limited because he is a he he can't relate to me like a she...We are not the jealous types. We are honest. He is respecful of me and I of him we are honest about our desires(from day 1) and we care about each other and we aren't about to break apart... but I think we both want to branch out and do more .

I was talking to my transgender freind She thinks the dykes would not care that I am in a long term open relationship with a bi guy, once they understood the situation of us both being bi and the way we do things.

I was unsure about that because I assume some gay people don't like dealing with bisexsuals in relationships.I am very very butch.He is as feminine and gentle as a guy can be without being transgender at all. It's an unusual relationship we love each other and still seek love from the same gender at the same time and we don't feel threatened by this..

So how do I navigate this situation in respects to other peoples reactions ...?

Do I fake singularity just to hook up with women and break thier hearts like an asshole and hate my own heart because I hid the fact I love a bi guy too(ten year relationship) so I could hang with women?
I don't like that option.

Or do I tell the truth and face alienating every potential,and have most women assume all sorts of things because I am seen with my male partner, like I am just gay and in denial or something or that I am closet straight or too confused to mess with,or they get offended I am bi..and dating a guy..I don't want this can of worms.And I don't want games either trying to avoid the can of worms. I just want women who aren't going to be put off about my other relationship and whom could appreciate I am Bi and who want to connect with me.And who don't care whether I am seen with my partner one day,with her the next and all three of us are hanging out two days later.

Or the third option ...do I just deal with my BI side and be vicarious about women ? I never had a lot of chances to express my lesbo side in relationships in my life so far and it isn't because of him.. It's just the luck of the draw that I am in the relationship I am in with him.If I met a woman before I met him I might be writing this about meeting guys...I have been limited in the past in how deep relationships I had could go (male and female)because of my past living situations(hospitals ect).

Must I pretend I am not looking for women.Just deal with it ....and not look for women because I am with him?.
(I don't like that option either)


Ironically I am very asexual,sex is not front and center in my mind as what I crave...What I want most of all is closeness, touching,tenderness those deep relationships with others that lead into the heart and elsewhere...I need female companionship as well as male and I cannot stand straight people.
I don't mind associating ,I can be freinds with straights but I don't crave the touch from them. I dunno why. With my low sex drive straight ways of relating just repulse me on top of it all.. This is why I think my partner and I get along so well we are both Bi.
I have been out as A Bi and transperson and I have been out of the loop because I pretty much have backburnered my lesbian side partly because of my own inhibitions. I didn't feel comfortable in my own body for many years and I was in situations that hindered all relationships for me for years....and now I am finally getting the surgical help I need. If I feel more confident in myself and getting my needs met..What do I do ? And how will the lesbian community deal with me and my Bi situation?

I need companionship of both genders in my life.. I seek deep freindships when I find them.One night stands are not relationships and I feel awkward doing them..I like to have emotional bonds and freindship when I love someone.
I can love more than one person at once deeply..for all kinds of different reasons.

How do we navigate this issue and be honset about it without people assuming stuff that isn't there just because of how it appears?
So,any suggestions?

[King Coal]

1. I would have some suggestions of what not to do.

If you're interested.

[William769]

2. Who gives a shit of what other people think

As long as you are happy with the relationship, thats all that matters. Just remember this "IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT!"

[sui generis]

3. it sounds like most of the pain

is coming from trying to accommodate expectations of monogamism while enjoying liaisons outside of your relationship.

I lived in a mixed five way with a group of professional ballet dancers for a year - plus "visitors" on occasion. The only advice I can give is to surround yourself with people who understand you, who are like you, and from whom you don't have to hide anything.

Everything else is dishonest, and you will end up breaking someone's heart, or your own, in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction. You just have to lay the groundwork differently for that kind of an open relationship if it's going to be successful.

[Maraya1969]

4. I don't know if this is an answer to your question but I read that

gayness and straitness are not polar opposites and sexuality and sexual identity is not a black and white issue.

Consider homosexuality on one end of a spectrum and heterosexuality on the other. Some people close to either end are VERY gay or VERY straight. Everyone is placed someone on the line. The ones in the middle or close to the middle tend to be bi-sexual.

There is a lot of scientific evidence coming out that our personalities are influenced by genetics more than surroundings.

Here are two links I just looked up. I don't know whether they will help or not.

http://action.web.ca/home/lgbt/databank.shtml?x=46335&AA_EX_Session=1b01ccc7a195cd64042b4d27e36731e0

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/biology/b103/f97/projects97/Newman.html

Other than that I agree with the rest. Other people's opinions of you are none of your business.

EDIT: ADD

[corbett]

8. Watch "Kinsey" With Liam Neeson And Laura Linney

It's a pretty good film but the acting is superb and you could glean quite a few ideas.

[Chovexani]

5. Be true to yourself

That's all I can really say. Every community has its hang ups and social pressures. I'm a bi woman who practices serial monogamy and I feel like I just can't win--I've taken the usual shit that bi women take from lesbians (we're only "playing" at being queer and will run to a man, etc.). I've taken shit from the black community because "bisexuality doesn't exist" (I have had people literally tell this to me to my face) and queerness is a perversion for white people, and I'm betraying my people when I sleep with women. I've taken shit from the straight community, conversely for being "kinky" and refusing to play into some straight man porn fantasy of female bisexuality (I insisted on being treated as a human being, not as a toy to play out his fantasies). I've taken shit from the bi community for being a serial monogamist (because if you're not into polyamory, you're a self-hating, repressed prude, dontcha know).

Fuck it. Seriously, just fuck it. If there is one thing I've learned in life, it's that there are people out there who can only feel validated in their lives if they are condemning other people. These people are insecure about their own choices and feelings and can only lift themselves up by tearing other people down. It's horseshit, absolute horseshit.

The best advice I can give you is, live your life the way you feel you should live it. Be honest with yourself and with your partners/potential partners. There will always be people out there who want to judge you and bring you down, but if you act with honesty and integrity, it's all good and you will find those positive people you can connect with.

[undergroundpanther]

6. thanks

I hate to be silly, but your post was so true..it made my eyes well up with tears.Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like I am on the outside every thing.

I am bi ,transgender,,furry asexual and monogamous but open too..and so many people got so many comments about people *like me* that don't understand me they assume..That horseshit.....It makes my heart ache and I hate it but I dunno what to do... I wish so bad people could understand me as I am..I do not want control or to'win' or possess.I don't want to be like them and I don't insist they be like me..I just want to be respected and to not play games....I just want to give what I am and take what they are and both of us be enriched by the whole thing.

The saddest thing is..people don't always get into relationships for these reasons and when I find this out it hurts. Especially when I trusted them with my heart my soul..and I get horse shit.
thanks,Chovexani,you are one of the good ones..

[Chovexani]

7. It's okay.

I know how you feel. It's so freaking hard to be different, to constantly challenge people's assumptions just by existing...it's just so tiring. I feel like I'm at peace with who I am, but sometimes in my weaker moments I lie awake at night and cry and wish I was "normal". I just want to...live, ya know? Without mind games and guilt trips and constantly having to fight with people just for the right to be at peace.

It's a blessing and a curse. A curse in the sense that few people will ever truly understand and accept you. But it's a blessing in the sense that those few who do will love you the way most "normal" people never do. I don't have very many friends, but the ones I do have, I have a bond with that I can't explain. They are truly my family.

I hated myself so much growing up, being taunted and beat up and harrassed...so much that I dropped out of school. And then I hated myself because I felt like a failure. Sometimes I still hate myself. But surrounding myself with positive people has helped a lot. It's a constant struggle...but I am making it, I think.

Don't ever feel alone...if nothing else you have a kindred spirit on DU. :hug: