Please, I need some feedback regarding my youngest son.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

He's 18 and told me last night that he's a lesbian. He first wrote it on a piece of paper because he was uncomfortable telling me. I told him no matter what life choice he makes, I will always love him.

It seems that his girlfriend of the same age is a lesbian. He also told me he'd like a sex change operation. That he has a problem with having a penis and he would like to have breasts (only after I asked him).

I actually asked him if he was a butch lesbian because there has been no hint in all of these 18 years that he felt trapped as a woman in a man's body. All of his interests have been male oriented and he claims to be a lesbian because he isn't attracted to men at all. He also told me that he isn't a cross-dresser.

He was holding back a bit feeling uncomfortable talking to me about it and the last question I asked him was how long has he felt this way about having a penis. He told me since he was 8 and had a dream about the Olson twins. He wouldn't elaborate.

I am just wondering if this is all about his girlfriend, whom he cares for very much being a lesbian, and his wanting to please her.

I am in unfamiliar waters here and don't know where else I can ask about this. Any input would be wonderful. Thank you!

[Warpy]

1. Just wait this one out

for at least a year. If he's still saying the same things a year from now, then point him in the direction of psychological evaluation for sex change surgery.

Sex change operations are incredibly drastic surgeries and psychological counseling beforehand is absolutely essential. A decent psychologist well versed in gender identity issues will sort out what the kid really wants.

Right now, just listen with an open mind and do nothing beyond a preliminary search for a good psychologist in your area.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

6. Thanks Warpy. We also discussed his seeing a psychologist and then he said he wanted to

see one who specializes in sex change cases. I don't think he should take that step yet.

[Warpy]

10. It wouldn't do him any harm to talk to a psychologist

who specializes in gender identity issues.

They're highly competent at weeding out genuine cases of gender dysphoria from infatuation.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

12. I was thinking last night if I can bring his primary care physician into this.

He's been my son's doctor since birth and he's a very cool guy and might be able to talk to him one on one before referring him to someone.

[Warpy]

22. The psychologist would be a better bet

and even a pediatrician with a good rapport might still have gender hangups you don't know anything about.

Best to talk to a specialist.

[yardwork]

17. It's important that he get a good psychologist who is qualified to help him sort through this.

I recently had a very bad experience with a homophobic psychiatrist. My long-time psychiatrist referred me to a new one because she is retiring. I live in a very progressive area with lots of health care professionals. I was astounded to discover that my new shrink was homophobic. Fortunately I found another one.

My point is that you need to find a good therapist - somebody who understands transgender issues - in order to help your son. As you can tell from the responses on this thread, even many gay people don't understand much about transgender issues. They're really two completely different things.

[enlightenment]

20. I really don't agree with waiting, and I say that as the parent of a

transgender child.

Wait it out is not the answer. This child has probably been thinking/wondering/worrying about it for some time before he approached his parent. The fact that he doesn't understand how to articulate what he is feeling is not evidence that it's a phase - simply that he doesn't know the right words to express what he is feeling.

In most states, an individual is required to receive a diagnosis of gender dysphoria before they can undertake the process of transformation. Usually, they are required to live as a member of the gender they believe they are - in this case, he would live as a female - for 6 months to a year before they can receive hormones, etc. Surgery is quite a ways down the road, even if they were to start the process tomorrow.

I absolutely agree that he needs counseling from a qualified professional. I absolutely disagree that this process should be delayed - he's not a young child, but a young adult, and he needs help - not a pat on the head.

A couple of places to start:
http://www.transproud.com/parents.html

http://www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/tgsfaq.html
The forum here may help to find a qualified counselor.

[Warpy]

21. I think you are probably correct

This is quite a bomb to drop on a parent and might have been a long time coming.

As I said below, talking about it with a psychologist well versed in gender identity issues is probably the best thing right now.

[enlightenment]

23. I read your response after I posted, Warpy - sorry about that.

I swear I'm becoming hyper-reflexive these days.

It is a bomb. My kid was 18 when he told me - he had come out as a lesbian at 16 and I recall the conversation quite clearly. My concern was that a 16 year old probably shouldn't be having sex; beyond that, I didn't care who 'she' dated (my child was fTm but is just my son now . . . talking about this historically becomes a labyrinth of pronoun choices!)

Anyway - yes, it is difficult. I sort of saw it coming in the two years before he decided, because of name changes (from Jenifer to Jorie to something I don't even remember now) and breast binding and similar things - but he didn't actually reach the conclusion until he was 18. Once he did, though, he was clear on it. Unlike this young man, my kid was an active member of the GLBT community by the time he made the decision, so he was much better able to articulate his feelings about it.

The struggle to understand the idea was mine, not his, and I could write a book about it (and probably should). It's been 11 years since he decided he needed to be male and he's a happy, content, confident young man. I'm proud of him. But it wasn't easy for him and it wasn't easy for me. The one thing I am clear on is that once a person speaks it, it's time to address it.

[konnichi wa]

2. Someone is pulling someone's leg, it seems.

:shrug:

I'm not trying to be snarky here, (I am a gay senior citizen) it's just that story doesn't make any sense to me...

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

5. Honestly, he's not pulling my leg. He was 100% serious and yes, it doesn't

make sense to me and that's why I needed some feedback. The only explanation I can see is that he's talking about this because of his girlfriend.

[konnichi wa]

14. Okay then...it's way beyond my pay grade. I guess I'm having trouble figuring out why

his girl friend had a boy friend if she's a lesbian...or why...never mind, I'm not even remotely qualified to advise on this. Hope it all works out though.

[Whoa_Nelly]

3. Actually, you could ask a psycholgist

Sounds like your son needs to sort through what appears to be many unresolved issues, including his girlfriend's orientation.

Having a sex change operation will include going for counseling, so maybe he could start that part of all this.
You may be on the right track in intuiting that it's more about "losing" his girlfriend.


I have no real advice, but wnated to give you some sort of support. :hug:

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

8. Thank you, we started to discuss psychologists last night and thanks

so much for the :hug:, I need it now.

[panader0]

4. I don't have much expertise

but I am sure that love is always a solution. It was quite brave of him to tell you this. Perhaps having a sex-change operation should wait until he has had counselling.
He may change his mind about the girl in question, and decide he needs his penis after all.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

11. I believe that counseling is required before having this surgery and he even brought

it up to me. He's done research on this. I'm going to try to speak to him again later tonight to see if I can get more of a feel on why he really wants to do this.

Thank you :hug:

[luvspeas]

13. Love and support are the most important things absolutely...

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different and separate things. Also none of these things are as cut and dried as we would like them to be. I do take him very seriously and I believe that he has been dealing with this for a longer time than you realize. I say this because he is identifying so much with being a woman that he is identifying as a lesbian. That is the logical conclusion for a person who identifies as female. This is normal for a transgendered person.

I totally agree that he needs to talk to someone. Please contact your local PFLAG, or another GLBT organization for counselors that are familiar with the issues. Once he realizes the fluidity of gender and what that means, he will not feel so unusual.

Don't freak out! Talk to people yourself. Learn how to deal with this in a positive and supportive manner. It's not the end of the world and life is full of challenges that make us better people in the long run. I promise you, this will be one of them if you do not abandon your kid.

[goclark]

7. I think if I were you I would get some counseling for myself

You seem like a wonderful father and your wisdom and guidance is critical during this period in your son's life.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

9. Thanks goclark. Just a gentle correction, I'm his Mom. My son is

lucky enough to have health insurance through his Dad and can get counseling. Unfortunately, I don't have the money for it right now for myself. :hug:

[luvspeas]

15. you can get free counsleing and lots of support and information....

at your local PFLAG, and at any LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender), mental health organization. If you need to find one, PM me and I'll do the research for you. :)

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

16. Thank you luvpeas. I've bookmarked this thread and will do some research tomorrow!

:hi:

[goclark]

26. Thanks and I'm kicking for others to give help for your family

:hug:

I love the expression "gentle correction."

[Runcible Spoon]

18. You've already done the most important thing for him.

You've listened to him and offered your love and support. In this cruel world. he is VERY LUCKY to have a mom like you. :hug:

Beyond that, there's little need for concern about him impulsively going after gender reassignment surgery. Unless he has access to $20,000 and a plane ticket to Mexico, he's not going to find a doctor who will do it without extensive counseling and many months if not years of hormone therapy. And if you're lucky enough to have an insurance policy that covers this, you will need to jump through lots of time consuming hoops to get them to shell out for it anyways. So as long as he feels secure and accepted, he's probably not going to jump a plane to Tijuana. As long as he understands the options and time table, the professionals can help understand what's involved.

As for the girlfriend, well, as other people said that will just take time for him to work out his possibly broken heart. Do you know her well enough to talk with her privately? That might help you understand what's going on, unless you think it would unduly upset your son to speak with her.

Once again, being a loving and accepting Mom is the best thing you can do and you've got that covered!

[roughsatori]

19. I have known a male who had gender corrective surgery and is now lesbian.

"Jane" dated a lesbian friend of mine. I met Jane after her surgery. She told me that "even many gay people" gave her a difficult time because they could not understand her situation. We went out for coffee a few times. Jane explained that it was simple: She had, since a young age, known that she was "in the wrong body (i.e., biological male)." Jane said that she had been exclusively attracted to females her entire life. So yes, she knew she was a lesbian--even when her body was still male.

Jane and I shared quite a few friends. A very progressive, urban group. Yet, many mocked her behind her back. When I started to defend Jane some became angry at me. She is more well adjusted and happy than I am (which is not saying much); and she is more content and happy than most people I know (which is saying a lot). She seems incredibly comfortable in her body and life.

Find an excellent psychologist with a good reputation and experience with trans-gender individuals for your son. Remember, don't be embarrassed to shop around for a therapist.

Your relationship with your son, wherein he feels safe enough to share such facts, is a strength. Honesty and love are good guides and a wonderful foundation for whatever comes next.

I can not imagine what you must be going through. I have no children. Please make sure YOU talk about this and your feelings with a good, supportive friend. Take care of yourself, too.

My best thoughts are with you and your child.

[Sandrine for you]

27. Thanks to share this with us, and thanks to all the people who give response to that.

I learn so much things in DU !

For the little I know, I think the best first solution is a specialist of gender psychology.


But also we learn of that possibility: a woman, a lesbian, prisoner of a boy body.

As a trans-humanist I see a lot great improvements.

[XOEnterprises]

24. He could very well be a masculine girl.

I know that sounds strange, but gender identity, sexuality, and body identification are not the same thing at all. My ex (we're on hiatus until he gets his top surgery done) is an androgynous identified bisexual trans man. Our friend, "James," is a butch identified lesbian trans man. Monte didn't come out as bisexual until he started understanding his body as male-before that, he identified as asexual. But his gender personality is very neutral, and he doesn't try to fit in either masculine or feminine archetypes. He's just Monte. James, on the other hand, came out as a butch lesbian before realizing he was trans, and he's now trying to push himself out of that identification as lesbian and date women who are attracted to men. Just because someone feels wrong in their body doesn't mean they're also rejecting all the traits associated with that sex.

I think that you're doing a wonderful job supporting him, and caring for him no matter what he grows to understand about himself. But while you're doing that, make sure you are asking him those questions you have about his lesbian girlfriend. Part of the reason Monte and I split was our relationship was becoming too tangled in his desires for his transition, and he needed his space to understand what he wants before we can have a relationship built on our shared needs and wants.

I would also, if I were you, get him to a therapist, even one that doesn't specialize in this. If he does really want this, then he's going to need one in order to get cleared for surgery. I would also start looking at surgeons with him and talking about the types of surgery and the options for hormones. Even if he has to wait, it will get the ball rolling and either cement his wants or make him realize what a huge task he has ahead of him.

I hope that helps! Good luck to him!

[Name removed]

25. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.