My partner wants to open our relationship, advice?

[transeo]

Hi all, I've seen you give good advice/input to others so now I'm going to ask for it. My partner of two years has decided that he'd like to open our relationship. That scares me because it seems like open relationship so rarely work and I also feel like if I say "no" he'll either get resentful and be unsatisfied with our relationship, or he'll just fool around behind my back anyway. If I agree, I worry that it will just make us less intimate with each other and eventually our relationship will fall apart as I've seen happen so many times before with friends.

Has anyone her ebeen successful at this? Anyone have some advice? I just have no idea how to handle this. I told him I needed to think about it for a while but I just can't decide. I'm worried about losing the relationship, about STDs, and kind of embarrassed that I'm not enough. It's all so confusing.

[Kerrytravelers]

1. Personally, I couldn't do it.

It's out of my comfort zone.

What are the reasons he wants to make this massive change to your realtionship? It sounds like you guys need to do some serious talking about the relationship if this came as a surprise to you. Better to clear everything up now and get all feelings into the open rather than do what he wants to make him happy, all the while you're miserable.

[bonito]

2. Bad idea

Just listen to your self.

[seriousstan]

3. The relationship is already over in your partners mind.

This is the same as "we should date other people".

They either have someone else already or are very ready to start looking.

[Doc Bottom]

4. Never seen it work

I've never seen it work. Seen it mess up lots of relationships, though.

I tend to think of asking for an 'open relationship' as one partner's way of saying, "I'm not happy any more, but I'm too lazy to work on /our/ relationship and I'm too much of a wimp to leave, so I'm going to invite somebody else to come in and fuck things up for us, okay?"

Not that asking random internet personas for relationship advice has ever been known to work either. :)

[knowbody0]

5. my partner waited until i moved into his house

he then announced he "needed" to have an open relationship. it crushed me, but after i mended i decided to go out with my friends. i met my soulmate that night. i came home so excited about the new freedom my mate had given us. suddenly my partner felt it was no longer good for our relationship.
i moved on. so should you IMHO.

[BlueJazz]

6. This will sound cruel..but..It's how I feel..

When a partner wants to "experience" the world or have an "Open Relationship" it usually simply means that they want to have their cake and eat it to..

I mean..wouldn't it be nice to have a loving partner to share all your hopes and dreams...and all your sorrows also BUT still be able to fuck other people!!? ..Yeah Right..wouldn't that be nice? ..and Ridiculous.
If you put up with this crap...shame on you..

[jrthin]

7. This question is

about you. Are YOU comfortable to open the relationship up? If you are, fine, go ahead. If you in your gut know that this isn't for you (emotional, psychically), don't do it. Forget about what your partner will think about you or the relationship. You decide and then he either stays or be on his way. You'll really like and respect yourself much better if you make this decision from a position of strenght: "What do I want?"

[Syncronaut Seven]

8. Well....

Polyamory is a touchy subject. I've been in two semi-stable triads, one M-F-M one F-M-F. Currently I'm monogamous, for the last 16 years actually. My wife isn't that secure so I don't even bring the topic up. If I were ever to to consider it again it would be about the benefits that a very close support network might provide.

What I can tell you is that all must be comfortable, jealousy and insecurity are deal killers. All parties should posses a high degree of maturity & it helps that all involved are friends first.

Does this sound like you and your husband? Is your first impulse fear or curiosity?

Some powerful indicators that it might be bad for you:
Is your husband jealous, abusive (Verbal or physical), controlling or distrustful of you? How would he react if you proposed the same thing to him? Does he play games in your relationship? Has he broken your trust (lied) to you before?

I've seen and experienced poly that works, but it takes an extraordinary level of commitment and self awareness to work.

If your relationship is currently broken I wouldn't consider it for even a second. If you feel it worth saving you and your husband need to figure out what's broke and concentrate your efforts toward fixing it.

If you seek counseling interview more than one counselor, there are some duds out there.

best of luck!

[Syncronaut Seven]

10. On edit

On edit: I just realized your a M-M couple, Both triads I have been involved were purely hetro. My advice may or may not have any relevance. I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV.

What am I doing in GLBT! OHMYGODOMYGODOHMYGODOMYGOD!! I hope it doesnt mean anything!

:yoiks: :rofl:

[ripple]

9. The relationship is over

For now, at least. Perhaps things have become a bit too domesticated for him and he is looking for a way out. Two years is a long time by some standards and a short time by others. As a lesbian, it would fall somewhere in-between for me.

Does he think another person will bring new life to YOUR relationship? If you are with him when this happens, even if you BOTH see other people, by the time all of the hoopla of a new person has worn off, you will return to each other with a compromised level of trust. I think it's a bad plan and it sounds like he already has someone in mind- why else would he even ask?

In his defense, at least he discussed it with you first. It sounds like he's going whether you agree to it or not. My advice would be to break off the relationship while he deals with whatever he needs to deal with. Perhaps you will still be around, but perhaps you will have moved on. In any case, you should preserve YOUR integrity.

Take care and good luck! :hug:

[dsc]

11. Just after college I was dating a guy who wanted to have a three way

relationship. Against my better nature I agreed after being asked repeatedly. Long story short the relationship ended shortly there after. Unless you really want an open relationship, and it sounds like you don't, then you want different things and need to end the relationship.

[kweerwolf]

12. I've watched friends struggle with this issue

It's especially difficult in cases where there is a disparity in the sex drives of the partners. I can understand why some couples decide to have open relationships, but it's just not for me.

Personally, I get tired of the crap a lot of guys (and probably some women, too) offer about "it's only sex" and "a stiff dick has no conscience." Since when was separating sex from love a good thing?

[im10ashus]

13. Lot's of good suggestions/thoughts already posted here.

I'll say this much. If you have to stop and ask yourself if you are open to this, the answer is probably already "no", IMHO. I've been in an 8 year relationship. The sex is ultimately such a smaller part of the relationhip (frienship, honesty, sharing my life and the stability of a monogamous relationship being more important to me), but it is also about intimacy and love, something I am a little more discerning with when it comes to sex and who I do it with. But that's an individual choice/preference/whatever.

I am also of the opinion that we are not monogamous by nature and we are subjecting ourselves to a doctrine, be it religous or societal in nature or origin, that is we are not programmed to be in the first place. So it's definitely something that can come be an issue in a relationship. It takes 2 to tango, and if you find a good partner, you can dance to your heart's content.

Another DUer asked a very crucial question, something to the degree of "is he abusive? mentally or physically?" I hope that's not the case. If he is pressuring you into something you don't want to do and you think he will fool around behind your back anyway, you may need to take a closer look at why you would want to be with him in the first place. After only 2 years, it shouldn't have devolved into 3-ways to make it work.

I hope you find in your heart what I think you may already know.

Bless you and peace! :-) :hug:

[BearFlagDemocrat]

14. Sounds like emotional blackmail

The only folks I know who wanted to try open relationships had already mentally checked out of their current relationships anyway. I've done the polyamory thing, and talk about too much risk/effort for far too little reward.

Ultimately, you have no control over your partner's emotional state, only yours. Make the decision as to whether it is worth the pain and suffering (and STDs, and embarrassment) to keep him around, or whether it would be better off for you mentally and emotionally to make that break.

Just keep in mind that a lot of people who ask for open relationships do so because they've already cheated, and want to make it "right" in their own minds. I have no idea whether your partner is such a person, though.

[transeo]

15. Thanks

Thanks for all the responses. I brought it up late last night and he's changed his tune a little. Now he says while he fantasizes about it he says he doesn't want to go there if it makes me feel uncomfortable, and that the cocktails he had before he brought it up the other night were doing the talking. May be a cop-out, but I feel like I have to give him the benefit of the doubt here. He's never been manipulative or abusive in any way and has always been good to me.

I told him that if he's feeling unsatisfied he needs to talk to me about it and made him promise that if he decides he needs outside fulfillment he'll talk to me first as I'd rather open our relationship and know what I'm in for than have him cheating on me behind my back. That's the best I could come up with. If I had to choose between opening the relationship or losing it or him sleeping around anyway, I'd rather try opening it first.

So, for now we're not open.

[ladeuxiemevoiture]

16. People can't believe that I've known lots of men in open relationships

I guess because I'm a little older and have known people from back before AIDS became the crisis it is/was. Also, the area of the country from which I come has always been very repressive of gays, and the best kind of love life some gays back home can ever hope to have (and become accustomed to) is anonymous encounters at truck stops or in known cruising areas, typically one encounter only. Of course, such encounters work fine - until the next hard-on, that is. But God forbid two gays actually get a relationship - what will the family say or do? I know people back home who have been excommunicated from their families for being publicly exposed as gay.

So... if you are a partner of someone not "the marrying kind" or if they have become accustomed to such a life, you may need to either re-assess your entire relationship or else rethink what is tolerable, because in my heart, I don't think most such men inured to being repressed can ever settle down. It would be nice, in a romantic way, to be proven wrong.

As to your situation, I don't know what I would do. I've been in both types of relationships, none of which have lasted, so I'm not sure what the correlation is there.

[GodlessBiker]

17. Send me pictures. I'll consider it.

[transeo]

18. Give me your stats first.

:evilgrin:

[soleft]

19. Hey Transeo, good to see you again!

And sorry you have such a difficult situation to deal with.

If it was my partner, I know I couldn't have an open relationship. How to deal with the fact if she wanted one - I would probably ask that we see her shrink together and see if we could work it out, find out why she wanted it - and if it couldn't be resolved I guess we'd have to end it.

It sounds like an open relationship is just not you. You have to be true to yourself and your feelings above all else.

[ropi]

20. not to be harsh..

but it's time to move on...don't put up with the excuse of open relationship--as the old saying goes:

ya can't have your cake and eat it too!