I had a big shock this weekend.

[jackelope72]

I've always felt like my mother was very supportive, that my sexual orientation didn't really matter to her. She (well, we) come from a very fundamentalist "Christian" family, but she's always seemed to buy into the whole thing a little less than her brothers and sisters.

Well, the other night we were having a get-together at her sister's house, and my mom, her sister, her brother's wife, and my cousin were talking about New Orleans. Several times during the conversation, the subject of gays was brought up by one of my aunts or my cousin, basically in the context of "God saw fit to destroy New Orleans because of all the sodomy and gays." Well, on one of these occasions I looked over at my mother, intending to give her an "oh brother" eye roll, and found to my shock that she was NODDING, as if in agreement with what they were saying!

I don't know what to think now. Of all my family, only my mom and my sister know that I am gay. My sister has actually tried to set me up with people before and thinks that I'm actually too sexually conservative to be a true homosexual (I know, but it's support, and I'll take it where I can get it). I thought my mom was okay with it, too, but if she actually was in agreement with my aunts and my cousin... It really truly hurts to think that your own mother doesn't believe you have as much of a right to live as everyone else.

I feel as if there's this big empty place inside of me right now. I don't know what to do.

[Kerrytravelers]

1. I would ask her to explain herself.

First, do that. Give her a chance to explain WHY she was nodding in agreement.

I would give her that chance because she can't accuse you of making a judgement without having her side and because anything she says will pale in comparison with what I think you should say next.

Then ask her why she didn't defend her child. Don't let her slide out of an answer that isn't just more bs.

I would let her know that she, as a mother, abandoned her child.

[marbuc]

5. I like to believe the best in people

so maybe, just maybe, she was nodding along to protect your privacy. Sometimes people find it easier to go along to get along, rather than express a controversial position and have to explain the origin of these feelings.

My mom is similar to your mom, but her feelings changed when my cousin came out. Now she is still a bit uncomfortable with the situation, but is much more open minded.

[ellenfl]

13. she could still have disagreed with the sentiment without

outing jack.

i say speak to her . . . gently. otherwise this will eat at you.

ellen fl

[Talismom]

2. I'm not finding it too hard to imagine how painful it is for you...

We all want the type of support that says "love" from our family. My issues were different, but the gist of it is that I finally went elsewhere when those needs arose and found such love and support from the "family" that I chose to be with. I gradually learned (at the gut level--a different kind of learning)to not expect my biological family to be able to provide it. They just don't have it to give and I had to come to that acceptance. It's a painful and slow learning process, but it really feels good to not always be hurting from those unmet needs. Best of luck to you on your journey to peace.:hug:

[marbuc]

3. I feel for you

Being treated like a second class citizen by the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally must be the loneliest feeling in the world.

[MuseRider]

4. I am so sorry.

My brother went through this a lot. It was bad enough that he never came out to even me and he knew how much I supported gay rights and worked for them. Don't let this cause you to make the same mistakes he did like feeling shame and not caring for yourself. There are a lot of us who would do anything to take that hurt and empty feeling away if only we could. I am so sorry, this should never happen to anyone.

[eek]

6. if you do ask your mother about her hurtful behaviour

be sure to remember the big posse of folks standing behind you nodding FOR you.

I'm back there , looking as tough as possible!









(edit for typo)

[YDogg]

7. Perhaps she was protecting you from unwelcome criticism ...

... from the rest of your family. If only she and you sister are in the know, perhaps she figured it was easier to nod than betray your trust and immediately put you on the spot in front of people who obviously are anti-gay. It could have become ugly for you; maybe some sort of maternal defense mechanism kicked in without her even thinking about it.

Or perhaps she was unconsciously nodding as she was half listening, but was not engaged in the conversation enough to register that her actions would be misinterpreted.

Or perhaps she truly agreed with what was being said. And that she can still love you while holding feelings that go against what she says in support of you privately.

A lot of "perhaps"es ... I have no real insight, but I think it is better to talk about it with her than not. I have seen this same kind of thing happen in my family, and I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

[Fridays Child]

8. Confront your mom. Get this out on the table and let her know...

...that you expect her active and vocal support. And stand up for yourself. Don't let hateful, ignorant comments go unaddressed. Would these relatives suggest that Katrina is God's punishment to the people of New Orleans for being black? Of course not. Yet they believe in a god who would punish people for their sexual orientation? They need to be exposed for the bigots that they are.

As for your sister, tell her that you are the norm, not the exception. She needs to understand that, just like straights, gays run the gamut of sexual behavior.

Or just have me over, and I'll tell everyone off for you. :hug:

[jackelope72]

9. Thanks for all the support and advice.

I know I need to confront her about it. I guess I've been putting it off because part of me is just scared that she'll come right out and say, "Yes, I think you're going to Hell and I'm ashamed that you are the way you are." Of course, not knowing what's going on is even worse in its own way, and at the very least I need to know where I stand so I can act accordingly.

Geez. Who would ever have thought that, at age 33, I'd be this concerned about what my mom thought of me?

:hug: :hug: to everybody, and thanks for listening! I'll keep you posted.

[Ioo]

10. I think...

I think that you should tell her the whole argument is just plan dumb; to even suggest that a hurricane hit the gulf coast is somehow related to gays is just plan silly.

It is hurricane season, and they hit the gulf coast all the time.

I would tell her that you are disappointed, that you thought she was a critical thinker, that to entertain this theory is just plan stupid.

So what about Hurricane Floyd, Andrews, Gilbert and so on, all of those were to punish gays? What about the pile of dead babies in NO, god made them die because of the gays? The argument is just plan dumb, and you should call her out on it.

I wonder what else gays did…

[swimmernsecretsea]

11. Let her know that you are concerned about her reaction.

A thought occured to me; I don't know what your family dynamics are, but I've had occassion where in order to avoid a blowup from an insensitve family member, other members of my family have chosen to be silent or tacitly agree. Before anyone jumps on this, I have to tell you that I have talked to them about how I feel, that by being silent or pretending to agree it sets up a reinforcement of their behavior, and that if one of my relatives doesn't have the courtesy to keep their opinions to themselves during conversation especially on a subject such as this, then their rudeness needs to be pointed out.

There could be any number of reasons for this; some people take a long time to make an inner adjustment to a family member coming out. Time is difficult to predict for this.

I do think it helps people along in a case like this to let others know that you are hurt by this, and to agree silently is to make your life more difficult in the future.

[davidinalameda]

12. she was probably just being polite to them

I wouldn't make too much about it

but if you feel the need to ask her, go ahead

[dsc]

14. You need to talk this out with her

She owes you an explanation, which I sincerely hope she gives you. On the good news side even if she has this attitude now she may well change over time.