Thoughts from Another Second Class Citizen on the Edge

[oxymoron]

I am a 55 year old, gay man, and have been on DU for many years, including a couple of stints as a mod. I don’t post much anymore as I am not much of a writer, but I am a major lurker here every day.

I knew I was different by about 6 years of age. My family is very strict Mormon. I am a direct descendant of one of the founders of the Mormon Church. As the oldest son, I was expected to go on a mission, and of course marry and start a large family. By 12 I knew that scenario certainly wasn’t going to happen. I refused to go to church starting at age 15, causing huge problems at home. I considered suicide often and at 16 made a couple of very serious attempts. I was one of those at risk gay kids that could have benefited tremendously from some sort of community support.

Those were also the days before any anti bullying policies in schools. I spent my school years being called a faggot, etc, and being severely physically and emotionally abused – after which, I would go home to a hostile environment. When I finally reached 18, I came out to my family and left the house. My family and some friends didn’t speak to me for many years, and we still don’t have a relationship. This is a common story for many of my gay brothers and sisters.

I had a little talent and was very active in theater and music. Actually, I was quite successful at it for quite a while and was able to make a consistent living. I met a beautiful boy and fell in love. We would go out together, entertain, and developed a wide circle of close friends. Of course, at that time the gay bars were still underground in our town, and the police harassment was always there. We were very politically active and worked hard for gay rights and the Democratic Party. My first partner really was the love of my life, and we were together for 12 years. It was wonderful to finally be so fully accepted by the community, and loved unconditionally by such a warm, funny, talented man. We would have married had our country allowed it.

Then came AIDS. I literally spent the next decade assisting my friends, loved ones, and acquaintances get limited social services and eventually helping them die. I can’t tell you how many times I stood at a bedside, holding hands with another friend and watching the life fade from their eyes. I lost most of my close friends and my beloved partner. My heart still aches for all the beautiful, talented men that were lost in that holocaust. I still see the oddly sweet smiles on those gaunt faces. I am negative and can’t help but wonder why I am still here without them. My blood still boils in anger that the then President of my country was never even able to even utter the word AIDS. To this day, I don’t utter that asshole’s name.

I had one more 9-year relationship with a wonderful man. He was a high-profile professional and closeted. We are still very close, but the pressure of his fear of being identified as gay was too much for our relationship.

These days I am just fucking tired. I am currently working at what is considered a good job at a very conservative company. I am tired of being patronized by religious zealots at work. I am tired of being passed over for promotions and jobs even though I have a spotless record and excellent performance reviews.

I was diagnosed with major depression last week and I feel I don’t have many options. My doctor wants me to take some time off work, but I am scared to death of the ramifications. I can’t afford to lose my job and be without health care at my age. Not a big demand for 55-year-old gay men in this marketplace. After working all these years, I feel that I can’t afford to get the help I need. I have a few days of vacation left that I am taking, but my doc wants me to take several weeks. I am looking into a medical leave, but there still is the stigma and financial ramifications to deal with.

I live in the richest country in the world that has decided that wars and corporations are more important than us common folk. My country has decided that I am not covered by civil rights afforded other Americans. I worked hard for this President, but the lip service regarding my civil rights is beyond old.

Thanks for indulging me in this little free association exercise. It helps to write some of this down.

Just some thoughts from another second class citizen on the edge.

Oxy

[PDJane]

1. I am so very, very sorry.

Depression is nasty. I've been there, and for a long time. And yes, I have tried suicide. You need someone to talk to, and you need a bit of time for meds, if you are taking any, to work.

If you want an ear, contact me if you think I can give you that. I truly hate this irrational fear of gays and lesbians. It's totally irrational, it's not something you can do something about, and it's both opressive and useless.

I hope that you can get some help, and have the courage to stay put while looking for something else you might be able to do. (((Oxy)))

[oxymoron]

3. Aww, thanks PDJane

It helps to know that people understand.

[dsc]

2. I am so sorry man

If you need an ear just message me.

[oxymoron]

4. Thanks, DSC

:pals:

[FreeState]

5. Im also a gay (ex) Mormon

I wish I knew the words that would make this all easier for you - but I wont even pretend to. I relate to everything you stated in your OP (I served a mission before coming out and left the church after Prop 8 passed). My family has slowly come around - however I know I am not as close to them as my siblings are. I have family members who come to town on vacation and they dont even call me to tell me they are in town.

If you need anything please let me know. I might not be able to give you the answers but I probably can relate on several levels (Im also from your current home town).

Just remember, your not alone. Ever. Those wonderful men you helped as they passed left behind their memories and love with you - its still here when you need it.

[oxymoron]

11. Thanks, FS

Sounds like we have a lot in common. Nice to have people that can relate. We should talk sometime. :pals:

[Maraya1969]

6. Oxy

:grouphug: :hug:

[DirkGently]

7. I disagree

... that you're not much of a writer. This is the most striking thing I've read all day. I have no words. Thank you for reminding us of what is at stake when we talk about what is right in this country and how we MUST consider and treat each other. Take the break that you need. Seek out whatever or whomever brings you peace and live there a while and revive your soul. Do not, under any circumstances, let the fuckers get you down.

[oxymoron]

9. Thank you, Dirk

Your response brought me to tears. I so appreciate the kind words.

[Demoiselle]

8. Dear Oxy...

Your writing here made me tear up. You ARE, for your information, an excellent writer. Please accept my admiration and support....and please keep writing. I'm glad writing it down helps you, but remember that you have a very clear, very moving voice. Please continue to use it, for all our sakes. I hate that you are so low. I'm sure you know you have many many friends on this site. Please consider me one of them.

[oxymoron]

10. Thank you so much, Dem

Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. And thanks for your friendship. :pals:

[racaulk]

12. I wish I had some words of wisdom I could share with you.

I'm sorry that I don't. But I do know that your post touched me on a very personal level.

Your childhood sounds similar to mine. I grew up in a strict Southern Baptist family (I don't think they're as fanatical as the Mormons, but they're close!) and I found their fundamentalist beliefs and demands on my life to be absolutely stifling and toxic. I spent every day at school in a hostile environment where I was teased mercilessly, only to come home to a father that was abusive, distant, and uncaring. The daily toll of this so-called life, topped with the realization that I might be gay, left me horribly depressed for many years, from my mid-teens to my early twenties. I was very suicidal during that time and, twice when death seemed to be a welcome relief, I acted on those impulses. My second attempt, at the age of 18, left me hospitalized for several days.

Your frustration with our elected officials hits home to me as well. All I know that our self-described "fierce advocate" has proved himself to be neither fierce nor an advocate for our causes. Combined with a milquetoast Congress whose supermajorities had so much potential, and...well...the word "disappointed" doesn't begin to describe what I think about that situation.

Again, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can offer a whole lot of empathy. The only advice I can give would be to continue to build your support network of friends, both IRL and online. Having someone you can talk to really does help. At least it does for me.

Also, I think you highly underestimate your writing abilities. You have a greater gift than you know, and I hope you continue using it. Who knows, you may find that the process of writing what you're thinking and feeling to be very cathartic and healing.

Please feel free to send me a message any time if you need someone to listen. You are not alone.

:hug:

Roger

[oxymoron]

17. Thank you, Roger

I am absolutely overwhelmed by the kind word and support. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

Oxy (Mark)

[dickthegrouch]

13. You're Beautiful, Oxy

If you have any Long Term Disability insurance, I'd say have the doc write a very generic stress related absence from work form. Take 30 days off and use them to recharge. I felt bad when I needed to do that, because I was worried how it would look. By the time I was able to go back to work, my boss didn't care that I'd been out for a while because the results were so spectacular... for both of us. I chose to tell them it had been a "nervous breakdown" after the fact, and got nary a peep out of anyone except HR once a month asking if there was anything else I needed. However all they'd known up to the time I told them, was that I'd had an unspecified illness.

Take the time for you and your health.

Love
Dick

[oxymoron]

18. Thanks so much, Dick

The outpouring of love and support has really been wonderful. I have to take the time. I do have disability insurance, but my employer does already know the reason for the time off. At this point, I am just going to take the time to feel better and worry about the ramifications when I am feeling better. Thank you so much for your sweet response.

Love,

Oxy (Mark)

[mitchtv]

14. Dear Oxy

thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone, and you will overcome this test of your endurance. I am a bit older and have gone through a lot of the same. I was an altar boy when I was a kid with 12 years of parochial school to overcome, thankfully my whole family came around...eventually. I saw an entire generation of friends wiped out. It is tough out there amigo, I know.I have been married since 1977(2008) and it saved me. The guilt of Roman Catholicism, almost killed me with substance abuse(to disguise my gayness) and keep the neighborhood thugs at bay. Hang in there, you will be ok you're a strong gay man , you will survive

[oxymoron]

19. Thanks, Mitch

I appreciate the encouragement. It is comforting to hear from so many people that had similar stories.

Oxy (Mark)

[Smarmie Doofus]

15. K and R It's astonishing we don't ALL have major depression.

People don't know. They just do not know.


Thanks for lighting a candle.

[oxymoron]

20. Agreed.

And thanks, Doofus.

Oxy (Mark)

[cate94]

16. For some reason

every time I tried to close this post it was still on my screen. I guess I better respond.

I am 54, primarily a lurker and a lesbian. I grew up Irish Catholic. My older brother probably saved me, but he died of AIDS 17 years ago today and I still cry over it. (I hate this fucking month because it is the anniversary month of his death and my Mom's death and a few more important people that I miss in my life.) I totally understand your pain and grief.

Depression is a serious illness and your doctor thinks you need time off to treat it. Find a way. What are the ramifications if you don't treat it? You worry about your job and benefits but will you be able to maintain a spotless record and performance if you don't follow your doctor's advice? You took care of your partner and your friends when they were sick. This may be a different illness but it is just as serious. The fact that you attempted suicide before, even though it was years ago, makes it imperative that you treat your depression as the potentially fatal disease it is. Please find a way. Take care of yourself. You deserve to feel better.

[oxymoron]

21. Thanks, Cate

Thanks for the good advice. I am taking the time that I need. I will just have to deal with any ramifications when I feel better.

Oxy (Mark)

[cate94]

22. I am so happy to hear it.

The ramifications will be much easier to deal with when you are feeling better. If there are any ramifications. (That actually is a pretty big "if") Good luck.