my b/f's sister found out her 16 yo daughter is gay

[LostinRed]

but she found out by reading her text messages. She wants to tell her she is supportive, but doesn't know how. She doesn't want her to think she was snooping because their relationship is already strained. I told her to just start dropping hints that she is supportive of gay people. The other problem is she doesn't know who her girlfriend is and that concerns her. She doesn't know how they met it could have been online or anywhere. Her daughter obviously isn't comfortable coming out to her. How do you ask your child to come out to you? Any suggestions I could pass on would be great.

[Cronus Protagonist]

1. My dad showed his support by showing up at the local gay bar

Draped in chains like Mr. T. and lisping like a bad actor to the bartender who looked at me funny when he found out it was my dad. I recommend not trying that one.

[msongs]

2. she WAS snooping. not a great way to build trust. no wonder the kid clams up nt

[Sweet Charming Dem]

5. What you said

[LostinRed]

6. well yes she was but

I think a parent has a right to snoop on their child. In this case, her daughter has been obviously keeping a secret. She had no choice but to snoop because she isn't talking to her but acting out of character. She is relieved that this is the secret. This is probably why she has pulled away if she is able to confront her about maybe that wall will be broken. That why I was asking for advice. I appreciate your replye but even though you don't think she should have been snooping, whether that is right or not is for another thread, but what does she do now that she knows how does she let her child know she doesn't care? That was the question. Does she just admit she read her texts?

[Occulus]

14. *sigh*

No, they don't. Not on this.

"In this case, her daughter has been obviously keeping a secret."

From the way you're talking, that's probably for very good and fully justifiable reasons. I fully support the keeping of this secret. I fully condemn the snooping mom. There's obviously some very bad, very deeply flawed parenting going on here.

I would never trust someone to be supportive of me as a gay man if I found out they discovered it by snooping through anything of mine. That already demonstrates that the trust has been broken before the subject is even broached.

"This is probably why she has pulled away if she is able to confront her about maybe that wall will be broken."

Or, like me, the kid might never forgive the mom. I have a deep and abiding hatred for my mom. I hate what she did. I hate how she found out. I hate the mentality that made her dig around in my business. I hate the parenting that made her that way. I hate how she destroyed my life. All I'm doing, as an adult, is waiting for her to die so I can take care of my debts with what I stand to inherit (IF I do, which is no guarantee with this woman) and do something I want to do with my life- which is what her actions brought to an end in the first place.

It's been nearly sixteen years sine it all went to hell for me. I still haven't recovered from that soul-deep betrayal of trust. I no longer believe in "unconditional love", even from a parent; it's a fallacy and my experience proves it. And I wasn't even a planned pregnancy or an "accident" on my parents' parts; I was adopted by people who "loved" me!

If it takes her until after college to tell her mom, so be it. The mom simply is not in any way entitled to this information!

[mzteris]

29. oh dear.

:hug:

It sounds like you've been very hurt. I hope you've talked to someone about letting go past hurts and trying to understand why it is people behave the way the do. Sometimes people may "do the wrong things" for all the "right reasons" (not saying that is the case here at all, I don't know) - because sometimes people don't know any better. Maybe they had poor parenting and have their own baggage and severe problems. Again, I'm sorry, not to trying to preach at you as I don't know your situation.

You just sound like in you're still in so much pain about this. Maybe I'll just shut up now and :hug: . . .

[SlicerDicer-]

31. Well I usto feel this way till my mom was murdered...

It took time after she was murdered however I do wish I had talked to her more about it.. Things can be bad I agree however do not let your anger prevent you from at least trying to make things right before you never can.

Just my thoughts on the matter take them how you will...

Sorry for your loss and pain as well.

[LostinVA]

16. +1

[aquart]

3. Buy a rainbow flag and put it up in the kitchen.

Or have Mom hand it to her daughter without comment.

[TheMadMonk]

4. She should just ask a casual question that assumes the "situation".

Perhaps something along the lines of "Tux or gown? Because if it's tux we gotta get to work on the principal/board now."

Wait for the look. "I am your mother. Tux or gown?"

[sandnsea]

7. If she decides to talk to her, just be honest

It doesn't matter what it is, if you've snooped in your teen-ager's things and found something you want to dicuss - you just sit down and do it. Apologize. Assure her that she only did it because she was scared for the daughter's safety. And then just tell the daughter that she doesn't want one more second of unease to exist between them, because her sexual orientation is not an issue. I would imagine getting over the snooping will be the hardest part. And asking more than one question about any teen-ager's romantic interests is not acceptable. It's their private life.

[nosmokes]

12. agree.

you don't start getting honest in a relationship by continuing to be dishonest.rebuilding trust is always difficult but it begins(and ends) with being honest.

[Skittles]

8. your sister should not say anything

she should just make her daughter comfortable enough to open up to her but it's her daughter's choice

[dkf]

9. If she says anything she will lose her daughters trust.

If I were her I would just shut my mouth, express positivity for Glbt issues, and wait for the day her daughter feels comfortable talking to her.

[Sapphocrat]

10. She needs to say nothing and do nothing.

Unless she believes the kid is into heavy drugs or running around with a gang, her snooping is a terrible breach of trust, and if the kid ever learns the truth, the door on communication will be shut tight for a long time.

She just needs to go about her business... and if she has to prove she's OK with Teh Ghey, she can invite her own gay friends over more often. (She has gay friends, I hope...?)

When the kid is ready, she'll come out, but if Mom pushes it, she'll have screwn the pooch on their relationship.

Don't sweat who her girlfriend is. Teenagers go steady with somebody new every other week. And if the GF does turn out to be somebody less than ideal, well, you know, there's not a lot she can do about it -- and if she does, she'll only push her daughter toward the GF even further. (Think Romeo & Juliet -- or "The Fantasticks.")

I came out to my parents when I was 19, btw -- but I knew I was gay since birth, had had a steady girlfriend for two years in high school, and had been sexually active since I was 15. Big whoop. I came out OK, but I didn't come out until I thought my folks could handle it.

Is the kid a generally good kid? Then Mom needs to back off and not try so hard. (And stop snooping!)


On edit: dumb typo

[murielm99]

11. Coming out when you were nineteen was probably the smart

thing to do. Most people these days advise GLBT youth not to come out until they have a place to go and a way to support themselves, even if it is not with a dream job. Too many kids get booted onto the streets by prejudiced parents.

My kid is bi. She told us when she was nineteen. Even then, I strongly suspected. But I never snooped. My kids were good kids, so I didn't worry enough about anything to snoop.

This mom may have a long wait. But mom shouldn't ask. Mom should just wait, and be there in case her daughter needs help.

[David Zephyr]

26. You are a good mom.

Your children are lucky ones. :)

[Occulus]

13. I went through this, but my mom was most definitely NOT supportive

She ruined my career in music before it ever really started, actually. Threw me out literally into the rain, no car, no clothes but for a backpack, cut school funding the following year, had to leave college, never went back. Whole nine yards and a field goal to boot, and my dad was just "meh" about it on top of that. My parents left me with ashes instead of dreams, a completely broken sense of self-worth, and no ambition to improve my own life. I'll never have the capacity to forgive that and I don't have the ability to repair it.... and it all had its start in my mom's demands to tell her if I was gay or not.

The very best thing she can do is be silent on the subject. Oh, she can make supportive comments regarding gay rights and related topics, but it needs to be appropriate in context and not out of the blue. The very, very, very last thing she should do is confront her daughter about it in any way, including asking the question.

Her daughter hasn't come out and doesn't feel she has her mom's support for a reason, or for several reasons. This is entirely mom's fault. The lesson I took from my own experience is that if you have to ask yourself if your parents are ready to know you're gay, then they're not, full stop, and you should take steps to hide it from them until you feel they're ready (and if it takes milking them for college money until graduation, so be it; I don't want to ever see anyone go through what I did).

Like I said, if her daughter hasn't come out to her, it's for a reason, and that is simply not to be tampered with. Even asking her if she's gay can far too easily be construed as a threat.

Tell her to leave it alone. It either will or will not happen, but it is definitely not any of the mom's business. That goes double for the unknown girlfriend.

[marginlized]

15. I tend to side with the "she was snooping" folks.

But the snooping part is just the first issue.

"The other problem is she doesn't know who her girlfriend is and that concerns her. She doesn't know how they met it could have been online or anywhere."

Sounds as though mom wants to control everything no matter what. Trust works both ways. Sooner or later you have to take your hands off. And what's wrong with meeting on line anyway?

Expressing support for LGBT issues is a no brainer. Doesn't have to be direct. Doesn't have to be one on one. Next time you see or hear a relevant news story, unambiguously express support. If your kids pay any attention at all, they'll get the message.

[Evasporque]

17. so...

the best response would be the same if she found out that she was straight and sexually active...

responsibilities about sexual activity, safe sex, trust, packin' a rod...(lol)

[RetiredTrotskyite]

18. Goddess, This is a hard one...

my mom found out through snooping, too. It wasn't pleasant but at least I didn't get tossed out on the street. It just never got discussed again. It took 345 years for her to finally accept that I'm lesbian and to support my marriage and my spouse. I think the mom should just let her daughter know she is supportive of LGBT rights and take it from there.

[feslen]

19. your sister should stay out of it

Snooping doesn't help the trust, it only deepens mistrust.
Snooping= "I don't trust you"

parents have no business snooping in their childrens' lives, unless they suspect they were up to illegal, stupid and or dangerous act. the trust should be there so kids can tell their parents about this kind of stuff.

that said, you can't as a parent, friend, sibling, whatever force someone to "come out" or "talk to you for advice"...they should do it when they're ready.

let it happen naturally, you should never bring up someone else's sex/romance life, even if it's your own kid. being supportive is by letting her daughter be, and say nothing....however if she's really desperate, just try and have a normal conversation with her daughter one day at a time.

[LostinRed]

20. Thank you all for the replies I appreciate the thoughts.

[plantwomyn]

21. My mother read a letter that my girlfriend

sent me during a week off from high school. Trauma ensued. Less than a year later we were well into becoming best friends again.

You don't indicate that your sister is sorry that she found this out by violating her daughters privacy. She should be very sorry.

IMHO this is her chance to show that she too is imperfect. Mea culpa. Tell your sister to tell all. Tell her daughter that she has something that she needs to get off her chest and ask her to hear her out. Tell her daughter how worried she was and how that worry caused her to do something that she is not proud of. Tell the truth. Tell her that she read her texts, but not what the content of the texts were. She violated her daughter's privacy. Beg for forgiveness. Tell the daughter that she understands that she knows that the last thing she deserves is her daughters trust BUT that she intends to gain her trust again. Tell her that she loves her and that she wants her to feel safe and able to talk about anything. Tell her that she knows that it will take some time but that as her mother she is willing to wait and prove to her daughter that she respects her.

Then stop being a control freak and be a PARENT! Don't label this girl now. She may just be experimenting. Let her define herself, don't force her into a box. Your sister gave up her right to be willingly included in her daughters private life by violating her privacy. Only her daughter can say the price she must pay for that betrayal.

[Deep13]

22. She should just be honest about it.

There's nothing unreasonable about a mother keeping tabs on her teenaged daughter by reading text messages. The mother should just say she knows and that it will not be a problem. That way the daughter can relax about it in her own home.

[Iggo]

23. Something along these lines for starters...

I fucked up.

I read some of your texts without your permission.

I told myself that my reason was (blah, blah, blah), but that's just me trying to justify it to myself.

It was wrong and I'm sorry.

[mitchtv]

24. Partner's mother found out by snooping

got a letter translated. so it was extra humiliating because an neighbor translated, Thrown out , the works . It turned out for the best afte a year or two. (living well is the best revenge).
"I snooped, I'm sorry, I have no prob;em with who you are" works for me.

[davidinalameda]

25. leave it be

and maybe find a PFLAG meeting or something

the people there have had more experience with this than probably most everyone who's posted in this thread

[murielm99]

27. Yours is the best post in this entire thread.

Get the mom to start going to PFLAG meetings. And LISTEN to the people there.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

28. i disagree with the people who say leave it be, so few of us had supportive people

when we were coming out, if this girl has a supportive mother she should know.

Just ask her to put out large gay friendly messages, like asking her daughter how gays are treated in their high school, because she has read about bullying and no gay kid should be bullied. etc. If you are an ally do what allies do, go to a pflag and find out how parents who are allies behave etc

[MadMaddie]

30. Okay so hear is my two cents

Mom
Mom should take daughter into a neutral place they both like and where they can have some privacy. One of my friends takes her daughter to the gay district where there are book stores and nice places to eat.

Mom should tell daughter that she failed to adhere to one of the rules she probably taught the daughter and that is to treat others with respect and that includes respecting one's privacy. Mom should also apologize profusely admitting what she did was not right.

Mom should admit that she was worried that her daughter was in trouble (not knowing what kind of trouble) she did look at the phone messages. Mom should be contrite, honest and humble and tell her daughter that her being gay was a wonderful relief, knowing that her daughter is going through normal teenage angst. Mom should also tell her daughter that she loves her unconditionally and that she wants her daughter to not bear the burden of having a secret that eats at her very soul.

Now I say this from my personal experience....

I am 44 and here is my story....

I came out to my parents when I was 30 years old. I picked a really crappy time to do it but the burden was too much. I could not live my life as two people. I had met my partner (who I am still happily with) and I just got tired of lying to my parents. So I told them and being in a black family and telling them this news was not easy. It took them a couple of years to understand this was not a phase.

So here is the creepy part of this whole story...I was an athlete in junior high and highschool and I had several female coaches who genuily thought I was an exceptional athlete and wanted me to succeed. I stayed friends with them long after I graduated from school.

So one day I am having a conversation with my mom after I come and she says, "One of your highschool friends told me that you were molested by one of your coaches"!! WTF?:wtf: So my mom has been walking around with this bullshit made up lie about me for how long....for heavens sake I was still dating guys at the time denying who I was....

So my mom went around for years with a lie, to this day she won't tell me who told this lie about me and it angers me. I believe that the person that did this was jealous of my tight knit family and wanted to damage it.

Anyhoo...good luck to the mom and the daughter.