May I ask a question re: coming out responses

[Happyhippychick]

Hello all, thanks for reading and responding.

A few years ago I became reunited with one of my closest friends from HS. When he and I spoke on the phone, he said to me "did you know that I'm gay?" and I responded "Oh I've always known that." He has since told me that this was his favorite response.

No one else has ever come out to me since but I am curious: what is a response that would be welcome and what would be a completely unhelpful thing to say. I ask this because I have had issues in life and there are certain well-meaning things that people say that really, really have pissed me off. For example, I've had a miscarriage. When people found out they said "well nature has it's way of taking care of things" or "you can always adopt" or something else. I'm not saying that the people don't have their hearts in the right place, hell I'm sure I've said the exact same things to people, but suffice it to say that when you are actually in the position then you realize that there are some reactions that are more helpful than others.

Long winded, sorry. Anyway, long and short is: when you come out to people, is there something that someone has said that they probably meant well but it was hard to hear? Or helpful to hear if you were a bit nervous as to someone else's reaction? I was happy that I said the right thing to my friend but I don't know what I would say to someone else other than "oh, well that's good!" or "I'm so glad that you told me" and that sounds so incredibly stupid to me. Well maybe the second response isn't too bad, what do you think?

[dsc]

1. I think honestly and acceptence is the best

and that is what you delivered. As to the miscarriage it is appalling just how unthinking people can be. I am truely sorry for your loss.

[ejpoeta]

3. we had a friend that came out to us and our response was pretty much the same...

it wasn't a surprise. my husband, who was our friends best friend said, ...'and.. pass me a screwdriver' (they were working on a car). i am going to be that it isn't usually much of a surprise to people who know someone who is gay. as for the miscarriage.... i had a miscarriage and was told the it's for the best and all that bs... people just don't know what to say and it is reflected in these kinds of responses. i also had someone tell me that going to church would help me to which i replied no going to church would not help me but thanks anyway.

[bluestateguy]

2. A guy I knew from high school

In high school everybody assumed he was gay because he was a bit effeminate and all of his friends were girls, yet never on a romantic level. But as there was some homophobia around my high school at that time, he was officially closeted.

Well, indeed he was out in the closet as gay when he friended me via Facebook last year, and it all seemed like an afterthought to me. I didn't say anything as I did not feel it was necessary.

[qb]

4. I think it would be wonderful to hear what you told your friend.

It says how in tune you have always been to him, and that his sexual orientation is inconsequential to how much you value him as a friend.

My least favorite response was from a college friend: "Well, that explains a lot."

My favorite came from my son, who was 7 at the time: "When are you going to get a boyfriend?"

[JulieKatz]

5. Always so Anticlimactic

At least a half-dozen times I've lain awake nights fretting over coming out to a person of importance in my life. Finally, after days-- weeks-- months-- years-- of self-torment, I work up the nerve to tell them. And "I knew it all along" is nearly always the response that I get. I won't call it my favorite because of all of the anguish that I put myself through before I finally find the "right" words or the "right" time. I'd almost rather they feign surprise.

I was almost mad at my dear mother when she said that she "knew it all along." (I was 19 when I came out to her.) Evidently, she "knew" before I did. Gad-- Mom! Couldn't YOU have said something?!! (I can laugh about it now.)

In short.. not my favorite response... but maybe it would be If I weren't such a chicken.

Great question!

[meegbear]

6. A positive response would be welcome and a negative one would be completely unhelpful ...

There's no flashcard responses to a lot of things, and this is one of them. You seem openminded and would welcome someone who came out to you, so just be yourself and say what you feel.

[ncrainbowgrrl]

7. Various Bad and good responses to my coming out...

One is funny now that we all look back on it... others... one= bad. One... well :blush:

the bad one first:

- "I can't believe that. You act so normal. No one would ever know. Are u sure? I can't believe this-".... (calling from the basement at her parents' basement at age 19 to her Mother) "MOM!! Jamie's GAY!!!! ICK!" :mad: :wow:

- the funny one (from mom): but... jamie, you have long hair! :spray:

- the sweetest: I love you. (from an ex- b/f and then best of friends...) I'm always going to be in your life, and I don't care who you choose to love- as long as they're good to you...we're best friends, right? :applause:

- the most *gulp* ( before I met my partner... )

Really? I've had a crush on you forever. I can't believe this... (as we were having a late night sleepover and exchanging back massages. at her house) ////as we didn't get to see each other more than 2x/year in person, but talked a lot) on AIM/phone... friends since jr. high days... :hide:

[Prism]

8. A nice list

Provided by yardwork (ex-DUer) on the subject:

1. I don't care about anybody else's sex life. (Implies that orientation is nothing more than sex acts.)

2. If that lifestyle makes you happy, I'm happy for you. ("Lifestyle" should never be used. An amazingly large number of people don't know that this word, especially combined with "choice," is always insulting and demeaning to GLBTQ. Further, the "If....makes you happy, then I'm happy" implies a negative. It implies that it's a choice to be gay, and that that "choice" is not very good. All around, not a helpful response, and one that is quite common in my experience.)

3. I fully support your choice. (On the surface, this sounds very supportive, but it's got several problems. One, that "choice" word. Second, it is not up to the speaker to support or not support the person coming out to them unless they are a very close relative like a parent or child. Otherwise, the implication that one's sexual orientation is something that an acquaintance can choose to support or not is offensive and demeaning. Would a person say, "I fully support you for being black." Not if they wanted to be perceived as sentient. If support really is a legitimate issue, a better phrase is "I fully support you. I love you and will stand by you always.")

4. You're the last person I would have expected to.... (Commonly heard by people coming out later in life. Often combined with those "lifestyle" and "choice" words. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Look, I know that I slept around with men in college and then was married to a man for twenty years. Obviously the news of my being lesbian is a surprise to everybody - including me. Thanks for sharing.)

5. Even though your choice is against my religion, I can be tolerant of other people's lifestyles. (Actually said to me by a psychiatrist during our first meeting. I dropped her)

6. I was once in the life. (WTF. Keep your self-loathing attitude away from me.)