Demons of the past

[William769]

I was born in 1963, which put my coming of age in the early 1980's. This was a perilous time to be dealing with ones sexuality at this age. On top of that I came from a very conservative social family, suicide was contemplated more than once. I went into survival mode and dead bolted my closet door. For this I am truly sorry that I did not have the courage to stand up and do what was right.

I helped people where I could as long as I remained in the closet. I traveled hundreds of miles to look for a sex partner only to return home feeling empty inside. This was my life for nearly 10 years. In that 10 years many things happened that I still repress in my memories to this day.

As I got older & wiser & more secure in who I was & what I was, I unbolted the lock on my closet & came out. Yes there were repercussions with my family & friends but there were also new people that brought joy into my life.

In 1990 I met David the love of my life The man I wanted to grow old with. Life was tough in the beginning for us but we persevered. David was taken from me in 2006 to what I hope & pray is a better place.

In my younger years I did things that I was not proud of but as I get older I have tried to make amends.

I do not ask forgiveness from any one, how can I do that before I forgive myself.

I write this in the hopes that people coming of age now have it easier than I did. As I work through my demons, I hope to share them with all so they are never repeated.

Peace to all

[Warpy]

1. Try looking at things the way I've come to

Every wretched night, every return to the closet, every day lived in denial, every moment wasted when you could have been out and finding love, every catastrophic relationship with family, and every stupid thing you've ever done have all combined to make you who you are today.

My disasters made me one hell of an old broad. I imagine yours had a similar effect in producing you.

If we knew then what we know today, likely we'd make different decisions. However, those decisions would affect who we are today and that might not be a good thing.

All that spectacular embarrassment that can still make me cringe was useful because I learned from it. If you learned from yours, there's your forgiveness.

It's only the people who keep doing stupid and hurtful things without ever learning from any of them who are to be pitied.

[DURHAM D]

2. William - it isn't about the mistakes you made its about learning from them

You have learned. Forgive yourself.

And, make sure that all of your worries are truly legitimate conundrums.

[closeupready]

3. I could have written much of that OP, William.

I look back at my mistakes, and you know what? The ones I most regret are the 'mistakes' I made by ignoring my true sexuality and being a 'good boy'. God's honest truth.

Also, I am going through several related issues right now. K&R

[RetiredTrotskyite]

4. Me, too...

Luckily even after all those wasted years, I found the wonderful man that I eventually married.