Op-ed: Diagnosing Fear of HIV

[William769]

Something is wrong with me. On a hot spring day a little over a year ago, my relaxing long stroll through the city was rudely interrupted. Tingling and numbness in my legs and right hand had been routine for years, but something new was happening now. The annoying tingle had turned into pain. Pins and needles were pricking the soles and tops of my feet as well as my ankles and going halfway up my calves. As I was trudging home, the ground suddenly rocked underfoot. For two or three seconds, I was sure the earth had quaked — but as I looked around the busy street, I realized I was the only one reacting, and then seconds later I realized that an earthquake in Washington, D.C., wasn’t very likely. Had I had a stroke? I made it home and stayed in bed for three days.

I called about 40 doctors’ offices in D.C., and all but two told me they were not accepting new patients; the two who were said they were seeing only new patients who were HIV-positive. That’s not me, I said, and kept looking.

Finally I found an office just outside the city¸ and after a routine examination, the doctor said we’d run an array of tests. He looked down at his prescription pad as he wrote orders for MRIs of my brain to rule out multiple sclerosis, my lumbar spine to rule out a bad back injury, blood tests for B-vitamin levels, and — he looked up and stared me square in the face for a moment and then looked back down — for HIV, he said. Then he checked off the HIV-1 and HIV-2 boxes on the blood test. The slight tremors I’ve always had in my hands turned into pronounced shaking — from fear.

I was born in 1978 and was severely anemic until age 5 or 6, I am told. I have vague memories of my father forcing food down my throat, and I can still taste and smell the liquid iron that became a regular part of my diet. My mother and father opted for a red meat–based diet and iron that turned my teeth black as a better alternative to the doctor-recommended treatment of blood transfusions. It was the early 1980s, and AIDS — or GRID, as it was then known — was the new black plague. The epidemic was a medical mystery, and my mother was not willing to take the chance of transfusing contaminated blood into her baby’s system.

http://www.advocate.com/Politics/Commentary/Op-ed__Diagnosing_Fear_of_HIV/

[TygrBright]

1. A very thoughtful, very sad commentary.

It isn't until a couple of generations after you proactively invalidate a stigma that you have a chance to observe whether the stereotypes associated with the stigma have any basis in character or prediliction, or were merely self-reinforcing based on the association. (Example: Genetic components of addictive disease DO occur frequently in families of Irish origin, but stereotypes of all Irish as "shiftless smooth-tongued drunks" are no longer as prevalent and no one assumes that being named Murphy means you'll be dead of cirrhosis by forty.)

There are so many stereotypes attached to "gay" it's hard to count them all. They range from the most vile, cruel, heartbreaking stereotypes of my childhood (criminals, predators, pedophiles) to the hurtful and stupid and ignorant (naturally promiscuous, unfaithful, hateful of the opposite gender, bad parents,) to the sleazy belittling/"admiring" dismissive ones (great dancers! natural fashion sense!)

We're currently engaged in the all-too-slow process of proactively invalidating those stigma: We've begun the eradication of the worst ones on a "public discourse" level, but a lot of them still remain. And the fact that they were ALL bundled together and chained to "gay" status means that on some level, until we decouple the last of them, the ghosts of all of them will continue to haunt gay people.

As recently as the 1980s the stereotype of gay men as irreclaimably promiscuous was openly accepted as valid even by many people who didn't hate gay people. The fact that the commonest transmission vector for HIV was related to sexual activity carved the gay/promiscuous/bad association into stone in the unmediated perceptions of many, gay and straight alike, who "know better" on a mediated, intellectual level.

I wonder how many generations it will take us to decouple this.

sadly,
Bright

[closeupready]

2. People don't know themselves as well as they think they do, IMO.

>>Because the terrible truth is, if I ever were to test positive for HIV antibodies, I would feel ashamed.

Even for me, a person who tends not to hold back, this is something I have a tough time admitting. Because acknowledging that I associate shame with HIV — something inextricably connected to my sexuality — means that on some level I must associate a certain amount of shame with being gay.<<

Of course he is ashamed of being gay. I can honestly say that at least 90% of gay people I've met in my life, open or closeted, were ashamed on some level of the fact that they are gay or have gay feelings, and spend a LOT of time and energy in attempting to 'counteract' their innate nature. America's Anglo-Saxon society and culture encourage that, despite vain claims from some that social progress has left the shame of it in history's dustbin. Sometimes, I fantasize that it must be different in San Francisco or, say, Bali where - some say - the local culture is tolerant (translation: gay people can be open about their sexuality), but I'm skeptical, for anecdotal reasons based upon my own experiences with travel and meeting foreigners here on vacation or working on H1-B's, etc.

Having said that, I applaud the author for his honesty and willingness to admit to very human feelings.

Thanks for posting the op-ed, William. :hi: K&R

[William769]

3. Having AIDS myself has been a roller coaster ride for me.

And yes I do feel ashamed of myself not only be cause of the way I am treated by some heterosexuals, But also some Homosexuals.

I don't care what anyone says, The stigma of Being HIV positive is till alive & well & all communities.

[closeupready]

4. Hugs to you.

:hug: :)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. yes, it is alive and well.

[RetiredTrotskyite]

6. Very Much So...

When I retired from hospice work 14 years ago, I thought things were getting better for HIV. Nope a lot of prejudice against HIV+ is still out there.