Please tell me where I went wrong.

[Sapphocrat]

What led in part to this post:

My site, LavenderLiberal.com, was hacked nearly two weeks ago. It wasn't the Anti-Gays (although I would have been less surprised if it had been, even though the Anti-Gays aren't smart enough to be hackers). I won't bother explaining the nuts and bolts, as that would bore the crap out of non-geeks. (You can get the gist of the story from Mark Maunder.)

That weekend, my wife and I were off for two days celebrating our third wedding anniversary... during which I told Buffy I'd been seriously considering shutting down Base8. (If you have to ask what Base8 was, you haven't been listening to me for the past three-plus years, and you've never visited LavLib, so just fuck it and move on to the next thread -- I don't feel like explaining it for the umpteenth time.)

There's very little about which Buffy and I ever disagree -- what to have for dinner is about the height of our conflicts -- but she didn't agree with me about this. I had put three years of my -- our -- life into Base8, and it seemed like such a waste to trash it. She was right. She is right.

But still...

So, we get home from our quiet, peaceful weekend, with me deciding to shut down one-third of our site, only to find another one-third of our site hacked -- the blog I started anonymously more than eight years ago -- anonymously because, in 2003, I was terrified Chimpy McCokespoon's minions would descend on me as they did the dude flapping his gums at the San Francisco gym or the kid with the book at the Phoenix airport.

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, really get your ass out of this thread and go ed-u-ma-cate yourself, beginning with Bernard Weiner's "Pickle" primer -- and don't even try to talk to me until you're comfortable giving an impromptu, five-minute speech on Straussian theory and PNAC; if you can't do that, you know nothing of the reasons this country -- nay, the entire world -- is so fucked up as it is right this second).

What's more, the hack unleashed a trojan that destroyed my computer. (So, anyone who's been waiting for a PM or an email reply from me for the past couple-plus weeks, I've been salvaging what I can from my dead computer, and re-establishing myself on a new computer I couldn't afford to buy, but cannot afford to be without.) But that's neither here nor there.

That said...

Did you guys see these posts...?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=103x624625

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x4937573

There are other, similar posts. And then there's this one:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x1848694

And now -- only now -- DU is taking notice?

In the last thread above, gratuitous (no, this is not a call-out, I swear, gratuitous, on my father's grave, so please don't alert on me) remarked: "In about five years (probably less), Mr. Brown will find himself a very lonely hate-filled ranter."

I only wish.

I've gone head-to-head with Mr. Brown on my now-dead blog. I wrote about Mr. Brown several times. Mr. Brown argued with me in the comments. I argued back. He argued back -- trying his damnedest to appear to be the nicest guy on the planet.

Fuck him.

And Base8 ... I provided a searchable database of around 100,000 haters who have donated to anti-gay crusades across all states going back some 13 years -- for no nefarious reason, but only so that we who cherish equality could make up our own minds whether we wanted to continue funding our own (and our families') oppression by patronizing their businesses -- or not.

I pissed off the haters so much, NOM (the National Organization for Marriage for Gay-Hating Shitheads) cited one of my blog posts as "proof" of "harassment" in one of its many lawsuits aimed at circumventing state campaign finance disclosure laws in order to hide the names of its donors (in this case, Maine Question 1). My offense? I called the anti-gay bigots "bigots."

I've received more death threats than I can count -- although those didn't affect me as much as the hate-o-gram from the anonymous coward who threatened to "put a stick of dynamite up (my) vagina."

(You think I ran off pissing my pants and filing multiple "harassment" lawsuits? Fuck, no -- that kind of cowardly shit is for the haters.)

I've been threatened with more lawsuits than I can count -- and for what? For telling the truth, that's what. (Only one ever rattled me enough to seek counsel from a high-profile defender of LGBT rights -- whose name you would know -- who told me not to worry; the whole thing was just a scare tactic meant to silence me. Today, I don't worry about lawsuits as much as I worry about the safety of my family, my pets, my property, and myself. I've written about that, too -- from the bumper stickers being peeled off my wife's car multiple times to the cross carved deep into one of the trees on our property to the sign-waving, unhinged, anti-gay activist and local political candidate who -- through whatever means -- tracked down my home phone number and called me out of the blue to deliver a scorching harangue and accuse me of planning to vandalize his house. Each time I wrote about such incidents, I was met with ridicule for being "paranoid.")

The point? I do have one... Hang in there.

One thing I've always loved about DU -- and you should take that "love" seriously, as I am a huge critic of everything DU has ever done wrong (Skinner will attest to that! LOL) -- is that DU beats the MSM news cycle on everything. What you hear about on DU, you hear first, and you know you will not hear it from the MSM for days, weeks, months, sometimes years (and sometimes never). And that is due to DUers dedicated to getting the latest news out to their like-minded brethren, from whatever source, before the lazy, right-wing-controlled MSM picks it up, and long before the glassy-eyed "Dancing With the Stars" viewers find a reason to take notice.

My question is: Where did I go wrong? Why does a mention of one, lone anti-gay parade in North Carolina garner nearly a hundred replies and scores of recs...

...when I was unable to get anyone to read my posts about "Bishop" Harry Jackson's repeated hate-fests in D.C.? or Rick Warren's hate-fests, long before he "blessed" the inauguration of our current POTUS?

And why did no one listen to me (or to anyone else who was paying attention) all the way back in August, 2007 (holy shit, that's more than four years ago!), when I was screaming warnings about Candidate Obama buddying up to the likes of T.D. Jakes and Kirbyjon Caldwell and all the rest of the christian terrorists (yes, that is the correct phrase) he was sucking up to for votes? And -- bloody gawd! -- it was January of '08 (a full month before Super Tuesday) that I was screaming about Obama's unabashed admiration for Ronald Reagan!

Why didn't anyone listen?

But I digress, as usual. (I can only conclude that no one listened because most people were so desperate for a savior to rapture them from The Bush Regime, the implosion of their cognitive dissonance would have caused a mass mental breakdown. This, of course, is just my own opinion, and is not directed toward any individual DUer or any particular group on DU.)

Back to to my more focused question, about what I did wrong (so I don't repeat the same mistake):

Why was I was unable to get anyone to notice the database I worked on for a full three years -- a database that not only detailed, meticulously, with unassailable backup quotes and links, the donations of haters to anti-gay crusades across all fifty states for more than a decade, but connected the dots from companies to their subsidiaries, from parents to children carrying on familial legacies of hatred, and from "homemaker" wives to obscenely high-paid, corporate-executive husbands too cowardly to donate in their own names?

To relate all that I found, and published, would break DU's servers. So, here is just one crack story I'm especially proud of:

I fucking BROKE THE STORY about anti-gay activist (and Prop H8 donor) "Reverend" Tommy Gene Daniels and his arrest for pedophilia -- which was the one and only time A-List Gays like Joe Jervis and Andy Towle were forced to take notice of my work.

(I'd give you links, but, again, LavenderLiberal.com is as dead as a doornail.)

What should I have done to bring attention -- from the right people (the Pam Spauldings, the Joe Jervises, the LGBT DUers, et al.) -- to what I was doing?

All I ever got was the wrong kind of attention. I had (and still have) Maggie Gallagher, her own sickening self, and Jennifer Roback Morse (the professional "Ruth Institute" gay-hater who hawked a fucking party game to promote anti-gay hatred, and dozens of other gay-bashing "christian," "pray away the gay" preachers following me on Twitter.

I had Fred Phelps monitoring me and GodHatesFags.com occasionally linking to my site as a paragon of evil (a feather in my cap, AFAIC). I drew in Michael Brown and David Benkoff (Hiya, David! I know you're reading this, you shameless ego-surfer!), and Buddha-knows-how-many pissed-off Mormons who hate my guts for exposing the "meat" before the "milk."

Hell, I just got a mention and quote in the Deseret "News" (the organ of LDS, Inc.) a few weeks ago.

In its early days, the then-fledgling Autostraddle was grateful to me for exposing Bluehost's homophobic policies.

Wayne Besen knows who I am (my wife and I -- after sitting down with him at a strategy meeting, and dragging our asses to join a protest against an "ex-gay" church meeting -- appeared in one of his videos).

Then-unknown (and now thorn-in-their-side Republican candidate for POTUS) Fred Karger sent me numerous thank-you notes for mentioning his name, for plugging Californians Against Hate, for publishing his press releases.

My wife and I have appeared on the fucking news, ferchrissakes -- me as far back as 2006 (on all local Fox, NBC, CBS and ABC affiliates) as I confronted the Mormon bishop upon whose temple steps Stuart Matis blew his brains out, to 2008, when our handmade signs at numerous anti-Prop H8 protests caught the attention of news and print. One of my bloody buttons made it to the national newswires, in a photo of a Prop H8 protester arrested in San Francisco. Cyndi Lauper noticed the T-shirts I designed (and my wife and I wore) at S.F. Pride in '08.

Yet, I just couldn't make it. I had more hate mail and threats than I ever had support in the way of just a lousy, occasional mention from... somebody... somebody younger, somebody hotter, somebody with better marketing.

I wasn't in it for fame -- I hate, hate, HATE the idea of fame (or infamy); contrary to what you might think, I don't like attention, and would rather live out my days in complete obscurity. I just thought I could make a difference by speaking up, and speaking loudly. I actually believed that Margaret Mead quote -- "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

What a fucking dope I was.

In the early days, Buffy and I both begged the A-Listers to give us just a mention, just a nod, just a link, anything to get our work noticed -- but I guess we just weren't good enough for Joe Jervis, or Pam Spaulding, or Jeremy Hooper.

We tried. God damn it all to hell, we tried.

So, tell me: Why didn't anyone listen?

Was it because we were middle-aged lesbians (i.e., not hot, young, buff gay men)? Because we're not rich, and have no connections to the Gay Mafia (i.e., the HRC, GLAAD, or any other mainstream gay org that could make our wildest dreams happen)?

Who were we supposed to fuck to get a drink?

In the end, this is where I am: Done. I tried so hard -- so very, very hard -- and I couldn't make a difference.

And when I look at the bigger picture... I'm exhausted. My bones are tired. My head is tired. Most of all, my heart is tired.

I'm not a one-issue voter, and never have been, but right now, it comes down to one of two choices for me: keep banging my head against a wall and die early from the stress, or withdraw completely and attempt to become one of the blissfully ignorant.

I've been a political junkie since Watergate. It's harder than I can describe to pull back -- but I can't think of anything I want more (second to a long, happy life with my wife) than to stop paying attention to it all. I know that once your eyes are opened, they can't be closed again -- but I really want to close my eyes to all the hatred around me.

I know that sounds shameful, even cowardly. But I can't change anything. No one listens. And there is no use going on with the fight -- not for me. I don't have whatever the Pams or the Joes (or even the Queertys) have. If I did, I'd use it. I used everything I had to offer, and it didn't make any difference -- except to cause me trouble and more pain.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen, whether we're talking about a federal anti-equality amendment, or the next state anti-equality amendment, or who the next POTUS will be (in 2012, or 2016, or until the day I die).

It will all happen with me, or without me. I know this, because I tried, with all my might, to make a difference, and I accomplished nothing -- nothing but to waste years thinking I could.

I just want to know:

What did I do wrong?

What the fuck did I do wrong?

What should I have done?

Or should I have done nothing -- and saved myself from wasting all these years?

One more thought: You would have known LavenderLiberal.com had been hacked if you'd been reading it. That you didn't isn't your fault, but mine.

I just don't understand what I did wrong.

[orpupilofnature57]

1. Nothing , What is wrong is the Anti attitudes of the ignorant ,hang in.

[sakabatou]

2. K&R

Thank you for your work, even if it was hacked.

[Bluebear]

3. Nowhere wrong as far as I am concerned

But then again you have always captured my attention and heart. But that's just me...I completely understand your question.

[Sapphocrat]

17. I wish I was more like you, BB.

You have the ability (that I sorely lack) to make a point in ten words or less that everyone understands immediately. (Buffy has that gift, too.) People don't have to like it, but they understand it. LOL

And no matter how aggressive your attackers, you never lose your cool. You could be melting down inside, and appear completely unflappable -- yet, your passion and compassion are undeniable, and your perseverance unwavering and indomitable. I wish I had those gifts.

Needless, to say, you've always captured my attention and heart, too. But I think you know that. ;)

[Behind the Aegis]

4. Wow! That is a lot of anger.

It also seems to be a heaping amount of pain, as well! I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don't, and suspect many of us here won't have one for you. Don't beat yourself up so much. Sometimes, screaming in the dark goes unnoticed or seems to, other times, there is a single soul who hears your screams and the battle continues. I really wish I knew what to say because your post breaks my heart. I'll admit I haven't been to your site in awhile, but I generally only inhabit DU in regards to GLBT issues. I don't even go to the other sites you mentioned because sometimes, it just makes me feel down. Perhaps I need to "spread my wings" again.

There are many of us, myself included, who appreciate your contributions to our movement/struggle. If you ever doubt that, just ask us!

You have laid many a brick in the road to our freedom; don't EVER forget this!

PS...if you are still having trouble with your computer, my partner excels in this area and was able to recover almost my entire computer when my system collapsed, so let me know if you are still having issues and I will ask him what he can do to help you.

:hug:

:hi: Buffy!

[Sapphocrat]

19. I do try to remember that I'm just one brick.

I've always told myself: The important thing is that an idea gets out there, not who came up with it. But without feedback, it's hard to know if I'm doing any good... or not so good. Even the harshest criticism lets me know I'm doing something. Without even that, the isolation is crushing.

Yes, you hear a lot of anger. I think I'm angriest at myself -- "Why am I not good enough?" -- but there's an ongoing dialogue inside: "Why am I shut out from The Club?"

I'm nothing special as a writer, but I'm a helluva researcher, and I expect I work(ed) far harder and longer than the A-List bloggers. Maybe the problem, as aquart says below, is my "charmlessness." I guess I was operating under the delusion that hard work pays off -- and that as long as I kept hammering away, somebody would have to take notice of (what I thought was) the in-depth information I was putting out there.

But I should know better: As attractive personas go, I'm Kucinich, and the A-Listers are Obama.

Similarly, look what happens to long, informative posts on DU: They sink like a stone, while one good political cartoon will get a hundred recs.

Lesson to me: Say it in pictures (or in ten words or less), and then shut up! (As you can see, I can't even do this in my reply to you! LOL)

Thanks so much for the offer, but the old computer is going to cannibalized-part heaven. In short, the trojan attacked the master boot record; I fixed that, and then the HDD became thoroughly unstable in other, unexpected ways. Finally -- literally moments after I'd finished the last of my backups -- the power supply died. (If I believed in signs, I might think someone was trying to tell me something... like, "Shut up!" LOL)

When I started adding up the costs of a new HDD and power supply (and labor -- I'm not confident in my own ability to replace anything more critical than a memory chip), I realized I'd do better just getting a new desktop. (That's one great thing about living in Silicon Valley -- hardware is very inexpensive compared to the rest of the country.)

More than that, thanks for the encouragement, BtA. I'm pretty sure my blogging (and research) days are over -- there's too little interest in it -- and it just depresses me, too.

:hug:

[Behind the Aegis]

30. I think I wasn't clear in a few things.

YOU aren't the "brick" but rather, the bricklayer. It is OK sometimes to sit on the sidelines and sip a cocktail while others work, then jump back in at a later time. I also understand your concern about feedback, trust me, but it can't be our purpose. You have stated it is important to get the ideas out there and that does take precedence. Your frustration is something for which I am familiar. I worked as an adviser for GLBT groups, but when it came to state level and national level, I was often overlooked and one a few occasions, my ideas were actually "borrowed" by another while I sat in the shadows. It is painful to be overlooked and even outright ignored!

As for saying it shorter, well, it is an online forum and often people just pop out with a few lines, here and there. Personally, I read many things here but never comment and suspect others do as well.

I really hope you don't give up blogging and research, but if it brings you no pleasure, then it isn't really worth it, IMO. I left my profession 10 years ago and I sometimes feel quite useless, but I was so unhappy with my job I really had to think about the toll it was taking on me. It wasn't worth it.

I am glad you got the computer situation under control. :)

If you do continue, let me know. Give me a link to your site and I shall bounce on over.

:hug: and support!

[xchrom]

5. recommend -- please say hi to buffy! nt

[aquart]

6. We could start with your charmlessness but I don't get the problem.

Except that you seem to feel guilty for being exhausted.

Here's the rule (it's for animal rescuers but it applies to any good fight): You must NOT try to do more than you can do.
There is ALWAYS more to be done. There is always horror left unremedied. You MUST do what you can because of these days, these painful days, when you cannot do more and you must let someone else carry the burden. And you must trust that there are people fighting alongside you even when you can't see them.

Changing the asshole taken-for-granted rules of society is DIFFICULT. Life-sucking. We have books thousands of years old enshrining a whole bunch of rotten concepts. A few fighters make it into the history books but armies of supporters won't.

YOU ARE ALIVE. In another country, you would already be in an unmarked grave. Take that as a plus. We will never know the brave souls who decayed in those graves.

You are part of the drip, drip, drip that has made monumental change in this nation which isn't fast enough. Which is NEVER fast enough. And the backlash is always there with the ancient books, begging for the ugly past to rise again.

The backlash is the measure of SUCCESS, not failure. Hacking is a measure of success, not failure.

There are still women fighting to give back the vote. It's exhausting to deal with any of them.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Eternal struggle. Never count on keeping what you've won.

It is HARD for a fighter to lay down arms. Even for a minute to sleep. There is so much to do. There is ALWAYS so much to do.

My mother sees the changes since she was a child. I see the changes since I was a child.

I don't understand how you can imagine you've failed. You fought hard in a never-ending war. There were plenty who could have fought but let you do it for them.

Soldier, rest. Take a rotation home and take a long time kissing whoever and whatever you need to kiss. (I've kissed railings I was glad to see.)

[MADem]

7. Very good advice, that. I'd only add one thing to it.

Always, always back up your work.

[aquart]

13. God, yes.

[Sapphocrat]

29. Scrupulously. Obsessively. Fanatically.

I've got multiple copies of every pixel I've ever produced stored away safely. Getting hacked wasn't the worst part, since I could bring the whole thing back online tomorrow.

But what I think I'll do is just put it away and look at it all someday down the road... kind of like the guy who steals a painting and hangs it in his basement. LOL

[Cherchez la Femme]

14. "Charmlessness"?!

In the same circumstances, would you DARE use that term to a man?

Or would HE be 'forthright', 'straightforward', 'speaking his mind'

--if not laudatory, then at least an excuse for his tune?


But it's a womyn, and she's charmless... she should speak softly and gently make her point(s)?



Or am I reading this wrong? How, exactly, can you explain this away?




***pardon the capitalization, I'm in too much of a rush to go around typing in all that html.

[Sapphocrat]

22. I didn't even think of it that way.

Maybe I'm too conditioned. It just blew right past me.

Yes, that word has been bothering me since the moment I read it, because it feeds into my own fragile sense of self right now. (As you see, I even agreed with it. Shame on me.)

It just never occurred to me until you said it that it's highly unlikely the same word would be used for a man.

I think I'd rather be called a raging asshole -- I wouldn't be happy about it, but at least it would put me in the same league as any man.

You're right. Nobody expects, say, John Aravosis to be "charming."

[MADem]

37. Maybe it is a cultural thing, or a generational thing, but I've often used/heard used that word

to describe men as well as women. In fact, if I had to pick one gender over the other, I would have to say I've heard charming used to describe MEN more frequently than women. I guess the SOP is that women are charmed, they don't need to do the work of charming, perhaps?

After all, the most famous guy associated with the term was none other than (drum roll)...

PRINCE CHARMING.

And Bill Clinton is famously regarded as "charming"-it's his strong suit. Even the Bushes think so: http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2010/11/bushes-bill-clinton-is-just-so-charming/18356/

If John Aravosis was playing a character in a remake of the music video "This Charming Man"....well, ya never know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGnjrTkv1gs

[Sapphocrat]

20. I thought I found something I did very well...

...and for which there was a true need. (Well, maybe there was a need for it, but there wasn't a desire.)

Oh, I appreciate that I'm not in hiding for fear of being decapitated or stoned to death. But in a (supposedly) free country, I have the opportunity to make full use of my First Amendment rights -- and thought I was using them well.

I spent the first 30 years of my activism doing everything "they" told me to do: pouring more money than I could afford into LGBT leadership that assured me it had everyone's best interests at heart, showing up at meetings and protests, marching, voting the right way...

At some point, Einstein's words about doing the same thing over and over rang in my ears, and I heard -- no, felt -- from others the same anger and betrayal I was feeling. I heard calls for boycotts from people who had no idea where to start, and I thought I could fill that need.

Either I did it all wrong, or the anger out there wasn't sustained enough for more people to commit to starving the beast. Look at how quickly the Prop H8 protests died out in late 2008; until now, I didn't know how anyone even indirectly impacted by the abomination that is Prop H8 could ever give up the ghost, but I'm sure a lot of it has to do with all the unreasonable delays in the Perry case -- which is exactly why the Prop H8 proponents do what they do: They know equality is inevitable, but they are going to drag out the process as long as possible, just to exhaust people like me.

Anyway... Yes, I need a rest from all this. The danger is that I may get far too comfortable not knowing about the day-to-day atrocities I cannot control, and my rest may become permanent.

"Charmlessness"? Ouch. But I don't doubt you're right.

[aquart]

32. Yes, the shock troops do get exhausted.

But you have generations coming behind you and each has to find the rage and concern and heart their own way.

Did you know the word "liberal" was from the ancient Sumerian "libis" which means CORE, HEART, ANGER, FAMILY, COURAGE? They go together, all those things.

You cannot fight all the time. And IF you can't fight anymore, remember that you are not Atlas. The world doesn't sit on your shoulders. IT'S TOO DAMN HEAVY.

"Charmlessness" has to do with the projection of embittered ego. You wanted more attention paid to you and it wasn't. But you were part of the legion keeping the pressure on which helped to change so many lives. All of them? Not nearly. Tragedies still? Yes. Always. But here in New York, home of Stonewall, we are finally having WEDDINGS. And there are wedding gifts I will never get to give a dear dead friend who would have been jubilant. It ain't a just world.

The rest of the rescuer rule is that if you try to do more than you can, you will destroy yourself and become useless to do any good at all. Think of the animal hoarders who started out with the very best intentions.

[Sapphocrat]

40. No, I really don't want attention for myself.

"You wanted more attention paid to you and it wasn't."

No. I don't like attention at all. I don't even like attention on my birthday. The only reason I wanted to draw people in to what I was doing was so the ideas I was putting out there would catch on (i.e., forcing people to pay attention to where they were spending their money, and thus which causes they were enabling). My crisis is the realization that what I was doing -- something I truly believed would further progress -- wasn't needed (or wanted).

If you think I wanted fame (or infamy), you're mistaken. I just wanted to make a difference -- and I would have preferred that somebody else had done what I tried to do, and taken the heat for it.

I'm no rescuer -- unless it comes to animals. People will make their own decisions, right or wrong, without my help -- and my ego is not so great that I believe I can persuade anyone to stray from whatever he or she has already decided to do.

What I could do was provide a tool to aid those who already thought as I did. I truly believed in it, and it failed.

Attention? Please. If I wanted attention -- and all the scathing scrutiny that comes with it -- I would have run for office.

[Bluenorthwest]

8. You did nothing wrong at all

It is a big, often nasty world out there, and in such an asylum it is actually good to find resistance, not pleasant, but good nonetheless.
You are doing great work. It is upsetting people. That is how you know it is great. An odd set of kudos it is, but still. That is how it is. First comes the trouble, then comes the victory.

[Sapphocrat]

21. Or: "First they laugh at you..."

...et cetera. Maybe I should have figured out how to make them laugh at me first. LOL

I couldn't agree with you more about resistance. The more gains we make, the more unhinged the haters get. I thought things were tough in the 1970s when I was getting thrown out of restaurants for having my arm around another woman -- but I never wondered if somebody might actually kill me for being who I was. Now, I think I'm as likely to be bashed to death as I am to die of old age.

Thanks, sweetheart. :)

[queerart]

9. I Send You Both Hugs....

I can't imagine what you both are feeling at this moment....


All I can say is that.....


I send you both, positive energy for all good things in life....

[Sapphocrat]

23. Very, very tired...

...but not quite so alone in my own own head right now, thanks to everyone so patient as to listen to me rant, and for all the support. Thank you, qa. :)

[Puglover]

10. First and foremost.

I am so glad you two found each other Sapph. Happy 3rd and many happy returns.

2. I am so sorry you are having such difficulties.

3. If there is anything I can do to help, including financially please let me know. You know where to find me.

:hug:

[Sapphocrat]

24. Your friendship means everything to me.

I hope you know that, but it doesn't hurt you to hear how special you are to me (to both of us), and how much I love you.

:hug:

[Puglover]

25. Thank you dear.

My footstep is so little around here. But it means alot that you get me. I meant what I said. If you need some help with a new computer let me know. You know we're loaded. :rofl: I suggest an Asus. They are the best.

[foreigncorrespondent]

11. You didn't go wrong anywhere!

Firstly, sorry about LavLib getting hacked... not a cool thing to happen. It seems to me that lots of sites that seem to be vocal on things that scare right wingers (in particular) are getting hacked at the moment. Sites that can do some real damage by spreading truth. The most recent one I know of is wikileaks. Even though the hacker made the private database public with no editing, wikileaks was still hacked. So wear it as a badge on honor, because obviously you were being read, and listened to, and they shit themselves big time.

You scared them, and typical haters, they hacked in return. You know what they are like, they play dirty. They can't beat you, so they silence your voice. Don't let them run you off, don't let them win by silencing you.

Sorry my response is short, but I have had a shit of a day, it is now just after 1am, and later today I have to head back to my vet, because my not quite 12 month old cat has to be put down later today. She is riddled with cancer and there is nothing they can do. If they could have done something, I would have sold my shares to save her life, rather than sitting here being a fucking wreck tonight.

[Sapphocrat]

28. If it had been the Anti-Gays, I would indeed wear it as a badge of honor.

(Preface: I'm going to get this in as fast as I can, as my intertubes connection has been off and on all day; that always seems to happen when it's scorching hot outside. So if I don't get any other replies in tonight, my apologies -- or Comcast's -- to everyone.)

'Twasn't the airplanes that killed Kong -- it was the Russians. Seriously, it was: There was (is) a widespread attack on WordPress installations (last I checked, at least 16,000 sites had been hit, and mine was one of them). In short, if you're using a WordPress theme that includes a tiny, 800+-character image-stretching utility called "timthumb" (and there are, IIRC, about 1,500 themes that do), some careless coding left a backdoor wide open to the sort of exploit nightmares are made of: It allowed these creeps to write redirects (via 404, 301, 302, etc.) to any .htaccess files to Viagra-type spam sites in Russia (domain .ru). In some cases, it appears this even allowed wide-open access to SQL passwords. Very, very ugly.

Just as bad, Google picked up on this as malware and started penalizing sites that had been attacked (starting with flagging the sites in search results as "This site may harm your computer." I've killed myself to keep my site squeaky-clean, and all of a sudden, I look like a "blackhat." Fortunately, after I cleaned it all up and begged Google to reconsider, they did, and took off the flag.)

Nobody knew it was going to happen until it did happen (they call that a "zero-day" hack) -- and even the guy who wrote the faulty code had his site hacked!

Lesson to me: Never rely on third-party code again. It wasn't the fault of WordPress (this time), but if this can happen because of one tiny line of code, where's the next line of code they'll find vulnerable?

I'm explaining all this 1) because I know you'll understand all this excruciating geek talk (LOL), and 2) in case anyone reading this has a self-hosted WordPress blog (go to the Mark Maunder link in my OP, and go backwards through his posts to see what the problem is and how it might be fixed, or just Google "WordPress" and "timthumb").

So, I'm afraid that while I pissed off a lot of people, it wasn't enough to make them try to take me down. I'm not even that important! LOL!

Well, you know me -- I'll never really be silenced. I'm just bone-tired of shouting into the wind and hearing little more than my own voice. (And I'm pretty tired of my own voice.)

I am so sorry about your kitty. Sometimes I don't know why we give our hearts to animals, when we know it's a temporary relationship, and it's going to be us, not them, left a wreck. But then I look at these two psychotic little mongrels here, who, as I write, are just coming out of a day-long doze, and getting ready to torture me all night by climbing where they're not allowed, and shredding everything they shouldn't... and then one of them will decide to get between me and the computer and demand adoration, or "bunt" underneath my keyboard and curl into a ball on my lap -- and then I remember why the horrible, horrible trade-off is worth it.

It's no consolation at all, but I do try to remember: Animals do not fear death -- they only know they don't want to be sick, and they don't want to hurt anymore. And then the heartbreaking decision to take that pain away becomes the kindest gift we can give them.

You don't get over it, and you can't replace them... but then some little bastard with big eyes and a heart-melting meow shows up at the worst possible time, and needs your attention, and takes over your life, all over again. And you just can't say no.

Hang in there, kid. I'm really sorry. You know I know exactly what you're going through.

[foreigncorrespondent]

33. Wasn't it the Russians...

...when GQ got hacked? And that was through third party crap too (i.e: chat room!)

Bloody sucks anyway. Yes write your own code, woman!! You have a lot of talent and can work miracles with coding, so skip the third party crap.

Well I always tell people to read your site through my twitter account (might start using my Facebook account too! I have a few LGBTIQQ connections there.) You might not think you are important to the cause, but some us of see the work you do and truly appreciate it.

As for my kitty... thanks for your words. Really needed to hear it. And today was a good day in the end. We went to the vet this morning and she was full of beans. HUGE cut right down her belly from the exploratory surgery she had yesterday, but still cuddly, and purring, and smiling. The vet wanted to do a couple of more tests on her over the weekend... he said the kind of cancer he suspects which was something to do with the lymph nodes, but there is also a bacterial infection that causes the same symptoms, so he is hoping it might be that. So she is still with us (just spending the weekend at the vets.)

So today on Facebook I asked all my friends to please send good vibes to our kitty Greedy. I figure the more good vibes being sent her way, the better chance she has.

And yes, I do know you understand exactly what I am going through with this. :)

Here is a picture of her anyway...





On edit: I forgot to add... yes the adorable eyes that scream to us. We do have (including Greedy) 8 cats. All desexed, all registered and microchipped, and all loved. We originally had four, but Greedy's mum adopted us one night during Winter last year. She was at our loungeroom window looking at me with the cutest look on her face, and the can I come in eyes, it was cold and raining, so we brought her in for the night. Next day I let her out, and she stayed. Guess she liked it better here than where ever she came from.

[Behind the Aegis]

34. LOL! Your cat's head is laying on top of two books I have sitting across from me!

I saw that pic and said..."aww, cute kitty...wait, I have those books! In that order!" :)

[foreigncorrespondent]

35. ROFL!!!

The books are highly important. LOL

[Call Me Wesley]

12. Good vibes for you and Buffy.

And let me say that you did nothing wrong. It is frustrating, and when I say this, I look back on leading our region's youth socialists (the very far left of the Social Democratic Party.) Granted, there was no hate involved, no life-threatening, but we were never heard, constantly blocked from every legislature and ignored by all means - by our own party. Things have changed since then for the better, and ignorance is no bliss anymore.

So, yes, the frustration can be exhausting, and still I believe that you just have to go where you need to go, even if there are no specific rewards. But it's the whole you, and of this you can be proud. I am totally sure you did make a difference, and you'll go on with making them. It's just not this obvious, and to look at the LGBT situation in an obviously fully civilized, leading nation of the whole world which is so immensely proud of its rights and whatnot, the actual view is a terrifying one. The battle's not easy - and that's what terrifies me to see so-called progressives ignoring it constantly and treat one of their biggest supporting groups like the screaming kids in Wal-Mart: "No, you can't have this." Why you can't have this escapes me fully.

I wish you and Buffy one thing: My mom's a sculptor and gives courses. There's this mid-aged, married lesbian couple (a teacher and a nurse,) who attend them or come to visit each exhibition. On the back dash of their car is a huge rainbow pillow. Nobody tried to steal it, nobody keys their car, and they are very outgoing, fun individuals who don't have to fear anything because they're gay. I hope your life will be as easy as this one day. It happens here, and needs to be happen there.

You did nothing wrong.

:hug: for the both of you.

[Sapphocrat]

39. Will you and Heidi adopt us?

If not, I guess we'll have to just settle for meeting up one day should we ever make it to the land of the best knives, the best chocolate, and the evenly-matched best Alps (what can I say, as an Italian? ;) ).

We're fortunate to live where we do -- coastal California is a blue oasis on the edge of a sea of bright-red fascism -- yet so unfortunate as to live in one of the few small, bright-red spots in the middle of that oasis.

But that's neither here nor there. You remind me, Wesley, that there are good places, thanks to the good people who live there. Yet I can only wish my country would aspire, if only in its ideals, to the practices of yours. I don't think I will ever see that happen -- you live in a civilzed country, and I live in... Well, I expect you've seen Bowling for Columbine.

All that aside... I don't understand any of it either -- not only why we can't have whatever everyone else has, but why so many so-called progressives ignore the battle. I can only suppose that if they don't ignore it, they would have to acknowledge that they are obligated to do something about it, or give up the title of "progressive."

Thank you, Wesley. You and Heidi are an inspiration to us. You never fail to remind Buffy of me of the good in this world. You both personify what we wish everyone aspired to, but which we seldom see in our corner of the world.

:hug:

[Cherchez la Femme]

15. No, you did nothing wrong.

It's not you, IMO (there is no such thing as a 'Humble' Opinion! :) )

it's them. and they'll keep doing it just to make you stop and re-occupy your 'proper place' (in so many ways!)


Just keep on keepin' on, and fuggem if they can't handle it... MOO

[mitchtv]

16. Sorry for your problems

you wwill always be a hero to me, Buffy too

[Prism]

18. I got exhausted with "The Fight" too.

Some years ago, I was a much more visible persona in the LGBT movement. Did interviews, made various forms of media including Logo and Here!, wrote articles, etc.

And one day, I realized I was just exhausted. Too exhausted for words. It never ended. I would sometimes spend 16+ hours a day fighting The Fight, and sometimes it felt like I wasn't getting anywhere or having an impact (even if, in hindsight, I did have an impact and did get my voice out there).

But politics and any movement are a bit like high school. There are cliques. There are people who worry more about their own popularity, with the cause being merely a vehicle for self-aggrandizement. I could never play that game. It has never been my style. I realized, at one point, I was beginning to get into more arguments with the self-appointed Guardians of the Community than the right-wing fundamentalists who were assaulting us from every side. The more I got to know a lot of the more high-visibility figures in The Fight, the less I grew to like them (Oh my, I could tell you stories about some of the names you've mentioned. But, it's all in the past and somewhat pointless at this juncture).

So, I left. I needed to find a way to help and make a difference that did not involve all that baggage. I started volunteering at youth shelters. I still do to this day. Working with young LGBTers in distress produces a tangible, visible difference. I go home at night knowing I'm helping and making a difference in lives without worrying about the politics of it all.

That may not be for you. Some people have that drive, that need to really get into the trenches and go at it. They thrive in that environment, and many of them do good work that benefits us all.

But that wasn't for me. And the sooner I recognized it, the happier I became. Now, I know I'm doing my bit, trying to make the world a better place - if even just a smidgeon - and able to rest at night knowing that how I choose to fight matters, too, and I don't need anyone else's validation or approval.

Do what you need to do, play the part you need to play, in order to feel good about yourself. The rest will fall into place.

[Irishonly]

26. K&R

I don't think you did anything wrong. I am just sorry there is so much hate in the world. I don't get online much these days. My best to you and Buffy.

[MuseRider]

27. Being a leader is a rough and thankless job.

I don't know what I would have done without you, and many others, but you in particular and your words and later your encouragement to me. You made me better, much better and more confident.

I rarely answered you, I did not know the words. It seems you summed it all up. I read, I absorbed it all. I was grateful and I most likely did not let you know....I did not even know the words for that. No one writes like you do.

I joined LL at one point a long long time ago then it changed and I thought perhaps it was not for people who were not LGBT. Wasn't there a forum at first? I was never brave enough to just write responses to you.

It is not you. The fight is going to go on for a while but I think I can sense a brightening of the sky. It will be a while but there are more of us than them when you add up all the youngsters who do not care what our differences are, they enjoy it they don't hate it. You just hear so much from the nasties, they pick on you because of how good you are and because you put yourself out there. Why don't the other LGBT writers and bloggers seem to notice you? LOL, they must and really they probably see you as competition. All on the same side but still everyone wants to be top dog.

This sounds so solicitous but it is from the heart. You have no idea how the PM you sent me not long ago affected me. Even then, I could never write back what I wanted to say.

I would say to you that you have done your time however as you say, you can't pull back, not all the way but you can take a break. Live a long and loving life with Buffy (Hi Buffy!). Write when you want to. Write when you feel the love of writing again. Until then hang out here if you can stand it... or not. Just be happy for a bit and put the load down for a while if you can. Maybe that is all you need, that and someone who can save everything you lost on your site. Being a leader can suck everything out of you. Believe me, nobody is going to forget you and what you have done.

I read LL a month or two ago and had not been back so I did not know it was gone.

Many many :hug: to you. Happy anniversary!

It has never been you that did anything wrong. Very often being right is harder than being wrong. XO

[Behind the Aegis]

31. AMEN!!!!

[closeupready]

36. Too late to rec, but kicking in honor of one of my very favorite DU members.

Shout out to you and Buffy, Sappho!!! :hi: :) :hug:

[RetiredTrotskyite]

38. Too Late to Rec,

But a definite kick and I am so sorry this happened to you, Sapphocrat. Hang in there! The fight is worth it.

[Danger Mouse]

41. I can only speak for myself, but...

...I once blindly supported Obama and closed my eyes to what gays were really going through in this country. I had considered myself as liberal as they come, but I was engaging in homophobic behavior and supporting it. The efforts of you and others like you on DU have opened my eyes, and that would not have happened if you did not make that effort.

There are enemies on the left as well as enemies on the right. I know because I was one of those enemies. Now, thanks to you, I will forever try my best to be a good ally. I'm sure there are others out there that are like me...engaging in bigotry and hurtful acts due to sheer ignorance. Others like me who have awakened thanks to the efforts of people who try their hardest to educate.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. You're causing a change with every person who you convince to give up ignorant hatred and take up your cause. You ARE making a difference, and you'll continue to do so. Do what you feel you need to do to preserve your health (not to mention your sanity :hi:) but remember that you're not alone.