For Many Older Gays, a Toll of Time and Isolation

[mahatmakanejeeves]

For Many Older Gays, a Toll of Time and Isolation

By MANUEL A. ESKILDSEN, M.D.
Published: September 12, 2011

Long after I had asked the paramedics to stop chest compressions, I was more dejected and frustrated by this patient’s death than by almost any I had experienced as a physician.

Sure, performing CPR after cardiopulmonary arrest on a frail man in his late 90s was likely to be an exercise in futility. And, in retrospect, we should have been more aggressive at the nursing home about suggesting he change his status from “full code” to “do not resuscitate.” But that wasn’t the main reason this man’s death continued to gnaw at me.

My patient was gay, and as a gay geriatrician I had felt a connection with him unlike any I’d had with my other patients. We never directly discussed his sexuality; initially, I only knew that he was a lifelong bachelor and a retired history professor who had taught for many years at Emory University in Atlanta.
....

Connectedness and a sense of community are vital human needs that, if anything, become more important as we get older. But by virtue of their frequent social isolation, many older gay people may be more likely in their later years to have little access to the very social networks that are important factors in successful aging. So, in a way, being old and gay can concentrate the biggest fears that many of us have about aging: that no one will care for us, and that we will die alone.

[Chipper Chat]

1. Thanks to the doctor for posting this.

There are gay senior assisted living homes springing up - mostly in large cities. For those that have the financial means these can be very practical for aging gays. For the rest of us...well ... we may not follow such a nice path. I am in my 70s, live alone, do not have an accepting family, and am resigned to the fact that I will someday die alone. I have prepared for it and will be at peace when the time comes. I would rather not be pitied, but just to be prayed for in the manner that any human, regardless of life choices, would be prayed for at the hour of death.

[xchrom]

2. Recommend

[w8liftinglady]

3. I'll never forget an older gay patient of mine

..and why I felt so driven to allow his life partner to be with him until he died.
It was the love of his life.

Thanks for sharing.

[RetiredTrotskyite]

4. Thank You So Much...

this is my worry...that if something should happen to me, that because our marriage is not recognised, that my husband and I may be separated at some point. Why do they want to make an old person's life any harder. I saw so much of this when working for Hospice of San Francisco at the height of the AIDS epidemic.

How could people be so cruel as to want to separate those, who in many cases, have been together for DECADES.

[closeupready]

5. I had an interesting conversation last summer at a bar one night with

a guy reading some expose on the financial shenanigans that led to this economic depression. I asked him about the book, and we talked at length about different things. I wasn't interested in dating him, but I did enjoy his company and the intelligent conversation.

At one point, he remarked about the fact that he'd always found most gay people to be socially challenged, that they don't know how to form or maintain normal friendships, that - for example - when you go out, you often see so many gay people on their electronic devices doing who knows what - sexting, Grindr, Super Mario, whatever. It was remarkable how much I agreed with his opinions.

And I think ultimately this is part of why gay people typically find themselves alone as they age, because when they are young, they are so focused on sex and getting off, that they fail to attend to friendships and healthy, platonic socializing. I don't know, maybe that's just what guys do regardless of sexuality? Or maybe, as some psychological theorists have stated, people are inherently selfish?

Whatever the case, it is indeed sad that so many end up dying alone. :(

[RKP5637]

6. K&R!!! n/t