New to this

[AshevilleKate]

This is a very unusual thing for me to write, as for once, I scarcely know where to begin. I have a 29 year old disabled daughter living with me at home. She is, however, new in my life, as 28 years ago I gave her up for adoption at a time when my life was spiraling downward.

I was divorcing my husband, who had announced to me shortly after we were married that he had married me to be a father to the daughter I was bringing in to the marriage. He was, in fact, gay, and I could expect no more sex from him. With private papers, I arranged for my daughter's adoption as I did not want any ties to this man.

To make a long story short, I walked away from her. I was pregnant from a rape at the hands of my brother-in-law, in trouble with the law, and sick. I soon miscarried, got caught, paid for my crime, got well...yada, yada, yada. And now for the twist. The "good people" I had given my daughter to were also friends of my ex...and they turned right around the day I left and gave her back to him.

I remarried and a for a few years, my health was good. As it began to deteriorate with a series of illnesses and cancers, I knew I had to find my daughter somehow and at the very least, be able to share this medical history with her. The internet got me an email under her birth name...but I had no idea of what was to come. Yada, yada, yada.

We connected, and we connected well. Her "dad", with whom she was still living, was now with his significant other and dying of brain cancer. He passed a year ago...and she has since been living with me. She is, she thinks, "bi". She is also bi-polar, suffering from PTSD from ??? and I am learning to be a mom. (This may be a misdiagnosis...I believe she suffers from something else.)

So how do I not smother my adult child from making wrong choices? I want her to be happy and I want her to be healthy, but I worry when she describes herself as a self admitted "fag hag" and I worry that she is in love with every pretty gay man on TV, and every wrestler, too.
I worry that she is unable to be financially dependent and is such a sensitive woman. I will happily support whatever she chooses as her lifestyle, but I hate to see her making wrong ones, oh so many wrong ones right now. She is about to turn 30.

Are there support groups for adults who don't know crap about GLBT?

[Ian David]

1. There's PFLAG.

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

[dsc]

2. I would recommend PFLAG

they should be able to help. Here is a link to phone and email for Asheville PFlag.

http://www.samelovesamerights.com/North-Carolina/75-PFLAG-Asheville/View-details.html

[AshevilleKate]

5. Response --

Thank you very much!:D

[Ruby the Liberal]

3. Forgive what may be perceived as insensitivity

But you have to earn the right to be an advisor, IMO.

A 29 year old woman ('disabled from bi-polar/PSTD') is still a 29 year old woman, who you have apparently just met.

Recommend that you step back and refocus on care giving and spend less concern about her 'choices' as you call them.

[AshevilleKate]

7. Responses--

I do not think that is insensitive at all. You are right, I am absolutely in the position of having to earn certain things, and learn a whole helluva lot more. I am already a caregiver to hubby and mom. I am learning daily what her needs are and she seems to need support and aid both. She has yet to agree to see a psychiatrist, however, and as a 29 year old woman, I cannot force that on her. She also has yet to admit she has health issues that I know she has, and I have not yet earned the right to cross any boundaries yet. I do want to thank you for your comment.

[cutlassmama]

4. until she gets medication she won't be making the right choices in her life.

If you can, try to get her to a psychiatrist that can dispense medication and help her figure out her life.

[MADem]

6. Call PFLAG, maybe they can help you.

I'd also, if I were you, see if you can't get your adult child a little therapy for both brain chemistry and self esteem issues. Medications are helpful in some cases.

She sounds a bit emotionally immature for a thirty year old, but we all progress at our own speed.

[Zorra]

8. Wow. That's quite an interesting tale. nt

[plantwomyn]

9. Nothing wrong with being a "Fag hag."

Many sister, mothers and friends of gay guys identify as fag hags because they love to hang out and believe it or not many see it as a VERY safe environment for a woman.
It worries me that after a year living with your daughter you have gained so little insight about her. Perhaps it would help if you contacted her father's "significant other" and talk to him about your daughters past. It seems to me that if you really want to help her you should get as much information from whoever you can about her life before she moved in with you. If she has a mental health problem, the loss of her father AND his partner as a foundation could have a very bad affect on her. My niece is much the same with the wrestlers at 26 but instead of being a fag hag she hooks up with abusive men. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to worry that she will be the victim of violence, pregnant or BOTH.
Become a part of HER life rather than trying to force her into altering herself to fit into yours. If you know for a fact that she is bi-polar then she must already have a therapist or she would not have been "officially" diagnosed. Her dad's partner may know about this too and may know who the therapist is so you can contact him/her.

I must say that in my experience, fag hags are rarely wrestling enthusiasts.

[AshevilleKate]

10. Thanks for all the different points you brought up

One of my primary objectives with my daughter is that I wanted her to first realize I was never going to leave her again. I was able to explain what happened so many years ago, how I considered it at the time the very best I could do for her, and how happy I was that her dad had truly loved and adored her (and I know he did that.)

Next, my daughter is truly an amalgam of her environment. She adores Adam Lambert. She adores everything in the GLBT community, and has actually given birth to two children, both legally adopted by the same family in private adoption. She wishes to tell me more about them, but says that she has not remained as close to them as she wishes she had, and as soon as she is emotionally ready, we will talk about them and their "daddies" when she is ready. I know they are autistic. I believe, as I mentioned earlier, that the diagnosis of her being bipolar is incorrect. I believe she has Asperger's, a form of high-functioning autism. However, she shuts down when I try to talk of her health. I know she has had a hysterectomy following the birth of her second son.

She just as truly adores all things wrestling and spends more money on it than she should. She literally will go broke to buy something on e-bay or the latest magazine featuring some muscle bound WWE persona that she feels she has met and is therefore, "her guy". She wants to tattoo a dead wrestler on her leg as a tribute to him.

I don't worry that she is a "fag hag" per se, because I know of the strong attachments to that lifestyle, I worry about the attachments to celebrities she perceives as "friends" because one my "tweet" at her or answer a fan mail. I just would love the friends to be real friends, and I hope that can happen now that she has enrolled at the local community college. (This was a real achievement for her...and I am so very proud of her, believe you me.)

I know that she is also the most giving and kind and generous of spirit woman I have ever met. She adores meeting people...most of the time, but shuns medical personnel even if she needs it. Case in point, she had emergency gall bladder surgery just about two months ago, because she kept brushing off stomach cramps as "nuthin' much", until a trip to the ER necessitated immediate action.

She is incapable, however, of doing a single household chore. She cannot wash a plate or do a load of laundry. (Laundry was attempted and it resulted in a broken machine.) If I try to talk to her about pitching in and doing her bit to do household "chores" with regards to being a part of the family, she shuts down and retreats to her room, sometimes in tears, sometimes with just a pout.

So, sorry, for such a long winded answer, but I really do appreciate all the feedback. My ex's feedback has been contacted by me on more than one occasion, and despite the fact he was in my daughter's life for many many years, I think he saw my daughter as an obstacle to her dad's affections, and they were not very close. I know she loves him, but there remains a great deal of friction.

Again, many thanks.

[Jamastiene]

11. It sounds like you really do need to contact PFLAG.

Your use of the word, "lifestyle," just grates on my nerves. Also, the word, "choice," is irritating as well.

I understand you are new to trying to learn about this. So, I will just say, it would help you a lot to understand things better if you contacted PFLAG.

I will attempt to explain why those terms are such sore points for me and many others in the GLBT community though.

Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered is not a "lifestyle" or "choice." That is the first thing to learn.

No one chooses to be GLBT. And there are GLBT people from all walks of life. There is not "lifestyle" to it. I actually live in a small rural town in NC. Other GLBT people live in cities. Still other GLBT people live in the suburbs.

If we live in the same community as straight people (and most of us do because it is not like we have statehood or anything), we live the same "lifestyle" as those straight people. We shop at the same grocery stores as any straight person and go to the same doctors and do everything else the same as straight people.

See? There is no "lifestyle" to it. It all depends on where we live and what we do every day. I love to go boating. There are other GLBT people who wouldn't be caught dead on a boat in a river in some wilderness area in a rural area in the south. Different strokes for different folks. We are not all some monoculture living some sort of "lifestyle."

That word has been used against us a lot to make hateful laws against us and to single us out for abuse, hate crimes, beatings, etc. That's why it irritates some of us.

The use of the word "choice" is also irritating to a lot of us too. It's not a choice. No one would choose to be hated, discriminated against, murdered, beaten, cut out of our own families' lives, disowned by parents and everyone else around (in some cases), and all the other stuff we have to put up with in life.

This might sound like a heavy handed reply to your post, but it is not, or at least I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to let you know why the use of those two words, "lifestyle" and "choice" is like nails on a chalkboard times a million for many of us.

It does sound like you are trying to learn. So, that's a good thing. I hope this post can help you to see things you might not know otherwise.

Good luck with your daughter. You said in one post that she was planning on going to community college. That is a good first step to trying to get a good job that will make enough money to have a decent quality of life. I hope she can really concentrate on that and do her best. That would be great.