Am I insane? (Rhetorical question)

[WillParkinson]

I want a family. I expressed to Paul my interest in adopting a child. Paul thought about it for a while and he says he's on board with it and thinks it would be a good thing for us to do.

I'd love for us to adopt a child and have a family. Someone we can help find their niche in life and someone to depend on us for guidance and support.

My biggest fear, though, is for our son to be bullied by others because he has 2 dads. I'm not sure how I'd handle that. I was picked on when I was in school and I don't want my son to go through it, too. My cousin's son was getting picked on in school by an older child. What the older kid didn't know was that my cousin's son knows martial arts and when the kid pushed him my cousin's son broke his nose.

I'm not sure how to proceed or even if we SHOULD proceed. You've all given great thoughts and advice over the years so I figure I'll turn to you once more.

Thanks!

Will

[xchrom]

1. i have no advice -- you two do what's right for you.

& you won't do it 'wrong' - so don't worry about that.

[HopeHoops]

2. It will only make the child stronger. And as for martial arts...

We started our girls when they were 3 1/2 - 4 and they are now all 2nd degree black belts. My wife started later but progressed more quickly and is now a 3rd degree black belt and instructor. She has a BA in Elementary Ed/Early Childhood Ed and started a pre-school karate program that has been so successful that she now has two black belts that started in that program and several blue belts that will soon make the leap. Just go for a defense-oriented style (not MMA) that emphasizes taking advantage of the opponent's mistakes - Tang Soo Do, Kenpo, etc.

A child is the most wonderful thing you can have in your life, more so than a spouse even. Instill confidence and self-worth and you are on the right path.

Go for it.

[lector]

3. Simple

Teach the child to stand tall for what is right. Martial arts are a good way. Self respect is another.
Don't live fearful of what others may or may not say or do. Live life to the fullest. Give a child a a good safe environment and let life happen.

[Firebrand Gary]

4. You are not insane.

Dale and I are thinking about doing the same. We have talked extensively about raising a child in a 2 Dad's household and decided that what we can offer is far more of an advantage than not. Bottom line is that you both love each other and are committed to working through the issues that will undoubtedly come along. Will, if you can make it through the coming out process, I bet you can teach a child how to survive and thrive during bullying.

[katsy]

5. You don't need advice.

You and your partner know what is right for you.

But I want to share my story with you.

We have a niece and nephew with 2 dads. My kids and they go to the same school and stay at their house every other weekend (YAY!!!! Okay, bad mom). A more loving home than theirs would be hard to find.

There are ups and downs. I credit where we live (northeast, relatively sane happy small community) and the strict, no-nonsense bullying rules the school has for all of our kids stability.

That being said, there are a few very, very cruel kids who could have made a difference were it not for an equally big, strong, opinionated, nasty looking for a fight, bunch of great kids that more than offset the little creeps.

My kids do not turn the other cheek and jump into the fray any time a bully makes noise. I'm not afraid that my son may be punched in the nose because he walks an autistic girl through lunch line so she won't be bullied. I'm more afraid he'd slink away from fighting for what is right. No one messes with my niece or nephew because they stand up for themselves. And my kids stand with them. And their friends do to. And yes, they take martial arts. And yes, my daughter will soon be taking boxing. And yes, I expect them to get in trouble, get bloodied, get expelled some day. BUT I know that they fight against meanness and have excellent judgement.

We also have a god-daughter in NY who has 2 moms. Same problems with bullies everywhere.

Bullys will be a big factor in your child's life and you need the strength to not look back at what you went through, but to equip your child to fight for what is right. That is how we change the world.

There is not enough love in the world and you are lucky to have love in your life.

[MuseRider]

6. One of my very best friends

raised a daughter with his husband. She is an amazing young woman now. They did this here in Kansas. We have talked a lot about it but really not about any details like what you fear.

If you want a family and are prepared for it then you should do it. That is a large part of what makes a good parent. If you would like or need I can ask him these kinds of questions but my guess is you will be ready for it all and may end up without problems anyway.

I agree that Martial Arts are a wonderful way to learn how to center yourself and protect yourself if the need arises. Shoot, it would be fun for the whole family. Something you could all do together.

Just from reading your posts over all these years I think you would be a wonderful father and any child would be so lucky to be yours. I am happy for you, that you are at this point. Being a parent is just a wonderful thing. :-)

[mzteris]

7. My daughter loved her "two dads"...

granted she stayed in the closet until highschool (back in the 90's) - but she found out very quickly who her real friends were.

Look, kids get "bullied" for all sorts of reasons, if you raise them not to be a victim, they can deal with it - more or less - depending on the severity. Maybe you have to get involved. Maybe the school has to get involved. Maybe the police have to get involved. Maybe you move to a better school. Maybe you move to a more liberal tolerant area (Madison is so LGBT friendly!) Maybe you homeschool (my choice for my son with two "straight" parents, but didn't fit the "public school model" the 1st time, and the 2nd time for the 1st reason PLUS the fact that the gang bangers bullying him for being a ballet dancer - and therefore of course he MUST HAVE BEEN gay! - and threatening him physically - though no, they didn't know HE'd been taking kungfu since he was 8 so he wasn't afraid of them, it confused them but escalated the threat to knives - so we pulled him back out to homeschool because even though he could have "taken care of himself" - why take the damn chance?!? (and he wasn't learning anything anyway... but I digress...)

My OTHER younger son, is adopted - and he's African American (we're not). He gets grief from other kids - surprisingly a LOT from other AA kids who say he's "not black". He's very dark, but he doesn't "talk black", "act black", "dress black" . . . His response? "Neither does President Obama!!" (I love that kid!) He's "too smart" and refuses to engage in the gang behaviour. He refuses to "dumb it down" or speak English incorrectly. He doesn't get "bullied" per se - in terms of physical bullying - because he's a very BIG boy. But he gets the verbal abuse and the shunning. Which hurts, yes. But we talk about it. And he deals with it. He understands that for most these kids they grew up in the neighborhoods/households he would have grown up in had he not been adopted. Absentee parents. Poor. Public housing. Drug use. Abuse. Under-educated parents, etc... he UNDERSTANDS that he got lucky enough to get out of that environment. We speak frequently of "what if". Sometimes it's "what if" he'd been adopted by a black family that was middle class, too... and he understands that he'd still be "different" from the gangbangers at his school. He does have other middle class black friends and they have little in common with the lower-economic AA's as well, BUT admittedly, there are fewer "overt differences" in some cases.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining this at all well, but the bottom line is - I have plenty of friends who are gay and/or lesbian with children. Granted I live in one of the GLBT meccas of the US - but IT"S NOT A PROBLEM. And I think by the time your child gets older, it will be even LESS of a problem elsewhere. Don't let fear stop you from raising a child with love and compassion. You'll be teaching - at least - one more person that gay people are just people like everyone else.

Teach your child to be self-confident and self-assured. Don't act like having "two dads" is weird in any way, and they won't think it's weird. They'll think that OTHERS THINKING IT'S WEIRD, is . . . . weird.

[joeybee12]

8. Ok, do you really want advice from me who only adopts cats??

I say do it, if you think it's best for you and your partner and you can give the child a good life, do it. Kids bully other kids for lots of reasons, hopefuly by the time your child is growing up he/she won't be the first one his/her classmate comes across with two dads. Good luck!

[Smarmie Doofus]

9. Explore.

Go to glbt parenting groups. ( Can't be too hard to find in Milwaukee area, I don't think.) Find out what folks are doing... and how they're doing it.

( I adopted about 11 years ago and raised this little moocher.... more or less..... by myself. The gay thing has pretty much been an non-issue.)

But couples are more "out there" so there will be issues I was spared . But lots of my coupled friends have raised kids and done so successfully. Yeah... there will always be some problems. But if you want the kid enough to jump thru all the hoops... that bodes well both for the kid and for you as parents.

[customerserviceguy]

10. Do you live in a community that is likely to be intolerant of this?

If so, then move to one that is less likely to be so.

I remember when I was a kid, adults (not my folks, thank goodness) were talking about the Loving vs. Virginia Supreme Court decision outlawing bans against mixed-race marriage. They would couch it in terms of the ridicule that mixed-race children would go through as being the best reason not to have such a marriage.

They couldn't imagine that someday we'd have a President of the United States with just such a heritage. You can't know for certain that your adopted kids will have a hassle just because you and Paul have enough love in your hearts to share with a child. Take this advice from an adopted child.

[William769]

11. My life partner (David) had a son (Phillip), David got sole Custody in the divorce.

Raising Phillip is probably the proudest thing I have done in my life. David was a wonderful father, When David & I became partners Phillip was only 7 years old. Phillip was given a well loved home & we taught Phillip to treat others as he would like to be treated. Phillip knew he had to dads & as he got older he was able to put two & two together about his two dads.

Phillip started dating girls at about 14 in middle school & high school his friends knew he had two dads & never was bullied about it, we lived in North Fort Myers, which is a redneck haven & it was a non issue.

In 2003 Phillip was killed by a drunk driver in Ga. while visiting his grandmother (if you like you can visit his memorial here http://billking.net/memotials.html ).

Even though Phillip was not adopted but Davids natural son & I his adoptive father, I would not trade raising Phillip for anything in the world, we were a family even though David & Phillip are both gone now the memories I have will last me a lifetime.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry about bullies, deal with it if it should ever come up but don't let it be a factor in giving a child a loving home. Children are our most precious resource, I would hate to see miss out on that experience.

Now please forgive me while I go cry my eyes out, the memories are flooding my head.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. ...

your story is lovely and yet so sad. sorry for your loss

[Smarmie Doofus]

15. Touching. Moving. Thanks. n/t

[gtar100]

13. I think it would be amazing to be a child of two people

who really loved each other and wanted a child out of love. I can't think of a greater gift you could give someone.

[BR_Parkway]

14. You might want to get in touch with these folks, they seem to have

a lot of info:

http://www.facebook.com/twodads.us

Good luck with it.

[closeupready]

16. IMHO, you are simply letting homophobes continue to abuse you and

define how you live your life. Many gay people who think they are 'out' do likewise, and I don't mean that to insult or belittle you. I respect that you are open to our advice and opinions here.

You are a grown man living in a free country, and you can and should do what you want. As to harassment of any potential children, why don't you just cross that bridge if and when you come to it?

[dsc]

17. I looked at your profile to see where you are from

and I presume that WI would somehow allow both of you to adopt. I am currently single and even if I were in a marriage I could only likely adopt as a single parent which would be a big deterrent to me. I think the having two dads things probably isn't all that big a deal given our less than Ozzie and Harriet world. I would think in Milwaukee you could find an accepting school. Good luck in any case.

[Maat]

18. We adopted my wonderful daughter ....

thirteen years ago.

I encourage adoption! PM me if you want to talk. I'm a retired social worker, and think you adopting is a wonderful idea, and your son or daughter will deal with life's particular circumstances - no problem; kids do that.

We homeschool through a charter school and avoid the whole 'school issues' thing.