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Well, DU isn't really the first place I'd turn for relationship advise, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sorry if this all comes out as a rambling post, I don't have organized thoughts and I have lots of mixed emotions, so if this doesn't make any sense or is hard to follow... well... you were warned.
Okay, I have been best friends with a guy for almost two years now. We hit it off pretty good right from the start. We share common interests, common problems, common goals, common beliefs... hell he's basically a carbon copy of myself. We don't see eye to eye on *EVERYTHING*, but where we disagree or differ it is more or less a complementary difference rather than something that causes friction. The guy knows everything about me, literally. He knows pretty much every fucked up idea that has ever crossed my mind, has laughed, accepted it, and to my amazement can come up with something even more fucked up on his own. Really, he's the type of person you'd love to have as a best friend... right?
Alright, here is the rub. For awhile now he's had more than "friendship" feelings toward me. I am not sure what exactly to do. We live some distance apart, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet we communicate with one another pretty much on a daily basis. At first I (as gently as I could) told him that things wouldn't work and that he should try and find someone else. He accepted that, but even a bit over half a year later he still feels the same way.
Now, you might be expecting me to say that I don't share any of those feelings, right? Well, that's not exactly true. I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me would love to have a relationship with him, but there are several problems with that idea. First, there is the problem that he doesn't live nearby. I COULD move closer to him, but the question is should I move for the purpose of a relationship? Second, there is the problem of the fact that I am afraid of what would happen if things didn't work out... would we still be able to be friends? I don't think it's possible to say yes or no to that as it would require us to know the future. Third, I don't *REALLY* find him all that physically attractive. Yes, I know it's superficial, and even hypocritical considering I'm not a great catch myself... and honestly I never thought in my wildest dreams that'd be a hang up for me. He's not ugly or anything, don't get me wrong, he's not even hard on the eyes... it's just that there isn't that you know... "Oh my god" type feeling when I see him. Forth, there is the lack of the "Oh my god" feeling all together. You know that feeling when you first meet someone that you like, those feelings of butterflies? That feeling of being unsure of yourself? That feeling of being unsettled? Well, that is non-existent. I feel perfectly comfortable around him. I feel like I can pretty much say or do anything that I feel like doing. He's the only person that I know - even more so than my own freakin' mother - who accepts me for who I am 100%.
My biggest fear is... this isn't exactly what I pictured for myself. If I entertain his feelings, and allowed any semblance of something more than friendship to form... well... it'd be serious right from the start. Dating is about getting to know someone, and frankly - I know every fucked up thought that has ever crossed this guys mind. He's flat out told me that he'd marry me without a second thought, that he could see himself settling down with me. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I've pictured myself settling down - who hasn't? I just never honestly or truly believed it would happen, not only that I never believed it would be anything remotely like this.
I am afraid of "settling". No offense to him, he's a great guy - anyone would be lucky to have him... but... there is a lingering fear in my mind of "What if I can do better?" I don't HONESTLY think I can, but the fear is there nevertheless. I don't think it'd be there if I felt those butterflies in your stomach - the crush - type feeling. That always seems to shut out all rational thought, and well... I am looking at this rationally.
More than anything in the world I want him to be happy and I don't want to hurt him. Every time he was honest with me about how he felt, I told him to move on and told him I didn't want to damage our friendship and that it wouldn't work because of the distance... That was only partly true. He's tried to move on, to his credit, and... oddly enough - although I've never told him... I *DID* feel slightly jealous every time he tried. I pushed the feelings out of my head, but they were there - I did feel jealous when he was dating someone. I still encouraged him, and cheered him on, even though part of me wanted him for myself.
That is what has me confused more than anything. If I don't have feelings for him more than friendship, why did I feel jealous when he was dating someone else? Am I being selfish? Egoistical? Unfair? What *IS* being fair? I can't imagine someone more perfect for me, and yet at the same time I can't understand why I don't feel head over heels about him. I can't honestly believe it's about physical attraction, because as the saying goes "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."
I don't know what to do. I just don't want to screw anything up... and even if I did decide to entertain his feelings, I still have no idea of how to go about things.
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