LGBTs and sexual assault/abuse

[kweerwolf]

After reading a similar sort of post on another board, it prompted me that maybe this discussion is one we should have here on the LGBT forum.

The number of people who know this could be numbered on two hands with a few fingers left over. That's how tightly I've held onto this secret. In the summer of 1976 I was celebrating the completion of a major project for a college course. I had gone down to one of the bars in the medium size college town and had a bit too much to drink. I ended up meeting an older man who took me home with him. That wasn't that unusual. It was the '70s and I wasn't a stranger to sex with men I'd just met.

What I didn't know was that the man had a partner and that two of them were into borderline sadomasochistic sex and rape fantasies. As a result, I was held captive in their basement rec room. raped and sexually abused for almost 24 hours.

I never reported it. That kind of stuff was never supposed to happen to men. I rationalized that it happened because I was drunk. I rationalized that no one would do anything about it anyway since I was gay. I learned to live with it and never spoke a word about what happened to me for 25 years until I told my therapist (who I had been seeing for six years at the time).

It wasn't until later that I understood how it affected my life, poisoned my relationships and destroyed my trust of getting close to people. I suffered bouts of major depression. I attempted suicide twice. But I didn't understand how all these were related to my assault until I begin to be able to talk about it and see how connected it was.

I guess the reason this is on my mind today is because of all the coverage of the Duke rape case (which I've tried to avoid watching or reading anything about). It brings my own experience vividly back to me and it hurts greatly when I hear some people blame the victim or question her motives for reporting the incident. In those words I hear echoes of all the reasons why I didn't come forth. I've long since stopped blaming myself for what happened ... but I worry that what happened to me may have happened to others because I didn't come forward.

One of the things I've learned as I slowly crack open the door of the "rape victim closet" is that there are many others in the LGBT community who have had similar experiences. I know a lesbian acquaintance who was raped because the rapist thought she should experience "normal sex" for once. A transgender friend of mine told me she was raped by a man who felt she should be "punished" for becoming a woman. Several gay male friends have told of being sexually abused by straight males because "if you're gonna act like a fuckin' woman, you better learn to take it like a fuckin' woman."

I'm not looking for any sympathy for what happened to me a long time ago. I'm on the path of moving from being a victim to being a survivor. But it seems like there's not a lot of discussion in the LGBT community about this subject (and there are damn few supportive services available for those who have been through it). Mostly I'd just like to toss the topic out there and start a dialogue.

[Betsy Ross]

1. Sexual abuse has only recently

been talked about openly in the straight community so you aren't that far behind. At age 56 I am working through being the victim of incest and feel like recovery is possible. I have hopes of recovering from the nearly lifelong depression which resulted from the abuse. The support I have received from friends and family and the strangers I have met through an internet survivors group have helped emensely. It is in your hands to open the discussion in your community, it will only hlep you and may just help someone else. Best of luck working on this difficult journey.

[foreigncorrespondent]

2. Dear friend...

...unfortunately it is all to common in the male world as well. Only it does go unreported for the reasons you stated above. And further, not talked about with in our community. It is like one of the hidden closets of the community. Yet IIRC the statistics in the lesbian community alone for women who have been raped is something like 35%.

When I met Sapph I was up front with her about it. I felt I did have this baggage I was carrying around with me, and gave her that chance to pull away from me. Thankfully she was a lot more understanding that I could have ever imagined. She had been through this in a previous relationship with someone who had a similar past to mine. Eventually the stuff I was going through (flashbacks etc) lead to Sapph writing this article to help partners of other survivors. Her writing that showed me just how dedicated she was/is in helping me get through what I was experiencing. That is something I needed, especially since I had experienced a flashback during our love making, which resulted in my being scared that she wouldn't want to come anywhere near me again.

I am so glad you are in the process of going from victim to survivor. It is a long road, and just amazing how much you see that experience has affected your life.

I am also glad you have opened dialog on this. Hopefully more will come forward with their stories over the coming weeks.

:hug: just for being the person you are. :)

[Rowdyboy]

3. Your experience just proves to me how lucky I have been....

I've been in several really nasty situations but I've always managed to escape unharmed. Luckily, I was older when I came out, and therefore less attractive and unlikely to draw the attention of predators. I do clearly recall an instance when I thought I was about to be raped and it is my most frightening memory, one which I was quick/smart enough to escape-barely. I can think of nothing that would traumatize me more than being anally raped and I can only imagine the horror it would have made with my emotional life.

I wish you peace.