Anyone have experience resolving mutual debt with a flaky ex?

[transeo]

My ex and I split up in September and he has flaked on making payments on our mutual debt we have for our cat's expensive surgery and cancet treatment. I've long since paid off more than my half and cannot get him to take care of the rest. What options are out there for dealing with this when there is no legal marriage/divorce? The debt is on a credit card with myself as the primary and him as the secondary cardholder. I know I am ultimately responsible for getting it paid off, but I thought someone here might know what options I have for making him pay up, if any.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. Who has the cat? And who's name is the debt in?

[transeo]

7. He has cat, debt is in both our names

[purduejake]

2. Does he still have the cat?

Take it.

[transeo]

6. Yes, he has the cat

She was more attached to him than to me since he worked from home and was around more. I didn't feel right taking her from the person she was most bonded to.

[MercutioATC]

3. Would he be willing to transfer the debt to one of his cards?

...it might be a way to resolve the situation without making it seem as if you're trying to tell him how to handle his finances.

[transeo]

8. No, already tried that

He won't do it. :-(

[nj_democrat_rocks]

4. Praise be, mother was right!!!

No, my flaky ex (after 9 months of marriage and a slap in the face); I summarily dumped, for HE was a loser on top of striking me.

The best decision I ever made; our moneies and belongings were equitably severed and we have no baggage (at least I don't) from that foolish alliance.

I say this only, because I want the ladies to know that the sooner they get out of a less than positive relationship, the better off they will be.

There are other fish in the sea, yes the pain of divorce is terrible.

But I now am enjoying an 18 year marriage, have a lovely son, and a nice life for myself.

As the judge said when my case was over..."you are sure lucky you dumped this one!!" so, if in your heart of hearts, you know it isn't meant to be, just get the heck out before you have kids, property and so forth.

My mother said, after I'd left the turkey, "get your monies separated now" before he gets a new girlfriend.

That, my friends was good motherly advice.

[JuniperLea]

5. Regardless of who has the cat or what the debt was for...

It really depends on the state where you live.

In California, for instance, a debt on a credit card that bears both of your names is to be split 50/50.

The best way is for each person to get a new card in their own name and transfer the debt. Keeping a credit card with both names is asking for trouble!!

Call the credit card company. They are used to these things.

[MindPilot]

9. If you are the primary cardholder, you have to pay it.

Then you have to sue for the money which is probably going to cost more than the debt. Obviously, the other party doesn't have the money so basically you are screwed.

My advice? Cancel that card today and pay it off ASAP.

Fundamental rule: Absent a marriage certificate AND a pre-nup, never ever mix finances.

[transeo]

11. I kinda figured that but was hoping for something else

I'm torn. A part of wants to sue just due to the concept, even though it will cost me more in the long run. Not wise financially, but it would give me great pleasure to haul his lying, drugging, cheating, manipulative a** into court. But I'm not bitter. ;-)

[MindPilot]

12. Yeah, it would be nice to hang the ex with piano wire...

but you are far better off to just pay up and let it go. Call it an unplanned educational expense and move on. :toast:

[endarkenment]

15. The pleasure will be had entirely by the lawyers.

Pay off the card, write it off as a bad experience and move on. Take the advice of others here and separate your credit completely. You did right by the cat, and in this matter that is all that counts.

[SacredCow]

20. Ain't THAT the truth!

It's an expensive mistake, but one that a reasonably intelligent person will never make again! :banghead:

[NMDemDist2]

10. when I worked for the credit card company

it's pretty much whoever can pay gets stuck with the bill

both of you are responsible, but if both your names are on it and he/she won't pay, you will have to or get the knock on your credit.

as far as the credit company is concerned they'll knock both of you if the payments aren't made and they will not drop your name from the credit account until it's paid in full and closed.

sorry.....

PS same thing happens to all couples regardless of sexual orientation and marital status

[TechBear_Seattle]

13. Yes, the same thing happens to married couples

But through statute and common law, married couples have many more protections against this sort of thing than unmarried couples do.

[izzie]

14. I split the cards up when I left so no problems

It was my lawyers plan and my name came off some and his off others so we were both due to pay for only ones in our names under a court order. Good luck as I knew a lot of women who have been hurt by this and guess it could work the other way also with man getting stuck.

[Divernan]

16. Seattle /King County has a small claims court.

Google Small Claims Court and Seattle and you'll get lots of hits. I suggest you first go to the website for the King County Bar Association for an updated guide on how to use the small claims court. This includes information on pursuing a claim in small claims court and how to collect a judgement.


In Pennsylvania, you can file a claim for up to $25,000 for only a $35 filing fee. And if you win, the defendant has to pay you back the $35 as well as the judgment.

If you were in Pennsylvania, I would advise you to:

(1)immediately cancel all joint credit cards;
(2)accept the fact that you will be stuck paying off the credit card balance;
(3) send your flaky ex a very formal letter, attached to which are copies of all vet bills and the credit card bill listing the medical costs;
(4)in the body of the letter, you detail that he had promised to pay half the costs, that for (specify the amount of time you have been after him to pay, i.e, how many) months, he has failed to pay his half; that he has retained the custody and company of the cat, and finally that if he doesn't pay you by a date certain, you will file a legal action against him; and
(4)when that time has elapsed, take the "custodial parent" to small claims court. This only costs you $35 to file a claim, which is heard by a district magistrate. You would present documentary evidence of the nature and cost of the cat's medical care; proof that you asked him to pay half as per your agreement and he refused; and receipts to show that you have paid or assumed responsibility to pay the entire bill.

It is important that you make a demand for a sum certain by a date certain, IN WRITING. Send it certified mail, return receipt requested. Threaten to go to court to collect. If he doesn't acknowledge the debt and make arrangements to pay, ALSO IN WRITING, don't waste any time arguing, but carry through with your threat and file an action. Do not make empty threats. Tell people what you want, give them a reasonable deadline - say 2 weeks or a month- to comply; and if they don't comply, take the action you threatened, i.e., sue.

[transeo]

17. Good advice, thank you! n/t

[ladjf]

18. Yes. I had to pay it all. Good luck.

[xchrom]

19. seriously -- i'ld rather pay it and just move on.

other wise it opens up the possibility of being in a drag of a situation.

i've always been the ''money'' in my relationships -- and i learned the hard way to take care of things myself rather than hang on to icky debris i don't want.