I'm still not sure how I should reply to this, I could use some advice.

[Up2Late]

As some of you may know, my best friend died of AIDS related illnesses July 15, 2006 (all of my past posts related to this are at my DU Journal link above) and as I mentioned last time, his sister wrote me a very long and detailed e-mail about what she knew about his last months, but concluded her e-mail with the following:

From an August 22, 2006 e-mail:

...By all means, please feel free to let folks know about Randy's death, i.e. Delta Airlines and any other friends you think of, etc. Just keep in mind, if you would, that since Randy was so private about his life, we should probably respect that as well--and just tell folks that he died of an overwhelming blood disease, which further compromised his organs. That's the actual reason for his death, no matter that it was AIDS related. I'm sure you'd have thought of this yourself, of course--and folks will think whatever they want to anyway. But as I say, out of respect for Randy's awesome privacy, just thought I should cover all bases by mentioning that.

Other than it being too late for that (see my previous post), I think this is really bad advice. Yes, he didn't tell any of his friends that he had HIV/AIDS, but I think that might have been more related to not wanting to embarrass his parents in small town Indiana, or even that he thought he might become the target of harassment, I don't know, it's really hard to say.

I DO wish he would have told me though, as I would have wanted to help him and he might still be alive today if he had sought advice from his closest friends.

So, how should I reply to this? I do need to send her more info that I've remembered and found, but I don't know what I should say about the above comment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MisoWeaver]

1. Its not your business or your plsace. You should do as asked.

[babylonsister]

2. If you have information to honor the person everyone lost, by

all means do so! Gay doesn't mean non-human.

[Up2Late]

11. I don't really understand what you're getting at...

..."Gay doesn't mean non-human?" What did I say to deserve that?

This guy was my Best and only Real, "...know all your deepest, most private thoughts and feelings..." friend, but he was the most sexually active person I ever knew too.

I still miss him every day.

[rwenos]

3. Respect the Request

I don't know why you wouldn't. It's not your business why he died, really. Celebrate his life. Respect his family's wishes. If you want to send the sister a private letter with private memories, that's acceptable.

If it's a question of advising sex partners he may have had, i.e., advising them of his AIDS/HIV status when he may not have, that's a different matter. Then, I would seek some professional counseling myself, before I did anything to invade his, and his sister's privacy.

[Smarmie Doofus]

6. Seems to me this is the heart of the dilemma.

>>>I don't know why you wouldn't. It's not your business why he died, really. Celebrate his life.>>>>

Sister doesn't *want* it celebrated. She wants it obscured. Which I can understand... but let's at least be clear about what we're doing.

Celebrating his life is one thing; celebrating certain select *aspects* of it is something else.

[Up2Late]

13. It is "...a question of advising sex partners he may have had..."

That it, 100%.

[SheilaT]

4. You go ahead and honor his wish

for privacy.

However, I suspect that many more people knew he was gay and knew that he had HIV/AIDS than you know. It is okay to protect his parents, since if he hadn't lived at home in many years, no one in that small town probably knew of his personal orientation.

What might make you feel better is to make a donation in your friend's name to any one of the organizations out there for the GBLT community, or to a group that does AIDS research or maybe one that helps out people with HIV/AIDS in some way.

[sui generis]

5. oh puh-lease.

In this day and age if it wasn't leukemia or sepsis that was the overwhelming blood disease, everyone already knows.

If someone asks you, don't lie on anyone's behalf. I'd respect those wishes by not volunteering it, but that's as far as I'd go to "respect" someone else's need to keep stigmatizing the illness with evasions.

on edit, not trying to be assholish, but that request was dishonest and requested for the living, not for the dead. Things are what they are. His sister is the one who seems a little unsteady about being honest about it.

[Up2Late]

10. I agree completely with everything you wrote.

I think I might send this email to the three female past Sex partners, who came to the memorial service and DO already know, and find out what they think about it. I think they might split on the issue to though.

[mitchtv]

17. I tend to agree

I would feel obliged to guard his privacy,(in that small town) but not at the expense of lying something sooo dishonest.

[davidinalameda]

7. did Randy let people know he had AIDS

[Up2Late]

9. I don't think so, he may have told a few guys, but he actually Bi...

...and I know for sure he didn't tell the 3 Female friends/sex partners who came to his memorial service. They were all very upset to find out like this.

I don't think he ever had long term Male sexual relationships, but the women he knew are another story. It's his past female friends/sex partners who I'm mostly worried about.

[davidinalameda]

14. then I'd say honor his sister's request

honor is probably the wrong word but if Randy didn't tell people that he had AIDS, then it's not your place to do so

[William769]

8. As someone who lost a partner this year to AIDS

The family wanted me to bascily do the same thing, I said "FUCK YOU!" But thats just me. This is something you have to decide for yourself, asking here isn't going to do any good.

[Up2Late]

12. I know that feeling too!

:hug:

[kdpeters]

15. Examine your motives. Who do you want to tell and why?

From where we sit, none of us can know the details to really advise you. But I tell you this as a person who grew up gay in the rural south, Georgia boy BTW, and who still regards losing my brother at 13 the single most influential factor influencing who I am more than twenty years ago, you can't be careless with their feelings, but you also had your own relationship that you need to deal with in your own way. If you think the request came from them projecting their own shame, you don't have to abide a request to disrespect your friend. But that he never told you seems to me a clue that he would rather it not have so much attention. You'll have to find a way to make peace with that.

[Rowdyboy]

16. His former sexual partners should know....Beyond that, I'd try to respect

the family's feelings. I put a VERY high value on my privacy and have lost one once-close friend over revealing medical info I gave her in confidence.