Isolated and Gay

[HeavensHell]

I'm curious as to how others handle being in a rural area and trying to be gay. I've found it quite difficult to discover a sense of community being an hour away even from a small idea of what a community should be. It's difficult to date and as each day passes I find myself feeling even more disconnected. Any body else out there feel like this? Has any one else felt like this? If so, aside from moving how did you deal with it?

[meegbear]

1. Hell, I live in a city feel that ...

I would recommend you find some gay-related group that you could get involved with.

And ... :party: WELCOME TO DU!! :party:

[William769]

2. I feel your frustration coming from a small town in Kentucky.

Life was great when I moved to Florida & visiting Kentucky wasn't bad because I had a partner. But He passed away last year & Kentucky was where we loved to vacation. I went to Kentucky in the fall last year & without him there I felt so isolated with no one to talk to, I don't know how I will ever go back.

[Zhade]

17. Hey man, sorry to hear about your loss.

We don't always agree, but I mean it.

:hug:

[Warpy]

3. I don't know how gays and lesbians survive HIGH SCHOOL

Talk about isolation!

Back in NC, even in rural areas, gay men one knew were tolerated by everyone but the closeted religious nutcases.

Lesbians, of course, were invisible to nearly everyone. It's only recently that the mainstream has admitted they exist.

Classmates started to come out to me when I was 14. I guess they figured the school oddball would be tolerant of other kids who were different.

They were right in my case.

[Jella]

13. I find your post endearing

I had a few friends that were the 'odd balls', and they turned out to be true friends.

[Zhade]

18. Try being a 75/25 guy/gal bi boy who THINKS he's straight while everyone else "knows" he's not!

I posted a thread about the results in my life. Kinda messes you up.

[Tyo]

4. What's keeping you there? Just curious. n/t

[HeavensHell]

5. Living situation

I'm in a job now where after a year I can transfer out, but even that is unlikely.

[cboy4]

9. Is your job really more important than your happiness?!

If I were you, I'd spend every waking moment making sure I could transfer.

What's holding you back?

[dsc]

6. It is hard, the internet is a Godsend in this regard

I have been there. I would suggest finding like minded people on the net and checking out colleges near you both of which might be good resources. I am in a smallish town now but have some gay friends and work in a bigger city so I occassionally go out after work to gay related things.

[Tyo]

7. I handled it by leaving

I grew up in a small town and knew early on that it wasn't going to work for me past high school. College got me out of there and I only go back now to see my parents.

Sounds like you have built more of a life where you are. That makes it harder. Also, you don't really say, but maybe there are aspects of small town life that you like and you wouldn't want to give up. Wish I could suggest something beyond the internet. Aren't there support and social groups for rural gays? Anyone here know?

[mitchtv]

8. Welcome to our forum

Iwish I could say something creative, but in my rural existance, I had a partner, and it was pretty gay anyway . I grew up in NYC and had a tough time.

[ThomCat]

10. I feel isolated in New York City.

You can be isolated anywhere. And sometimes you're isolated by the crowd instead of by the lack of one.

All of my LGBT friends are quite some distance away. I only see them when I travel, or online. You build communities where you can, when you can.

Welcome to DU.

[Zhade]

19. I'm in L.A. and just posted a thread about isolation.

I hear ya.

[moose65]

11. Here's my experience....

I grew up in a rural area. We lived 15 miles from the nearest small towns, and 40 miles from the closest real city. I went off to college where I developed my first real sense of community, I guess, and also where I finally realized I was gay :-). After college I moved back home for a year, then went to grad school, and I stayed in the same area where I went to grad school. Now I live in a small university town which also has a lot of retirees and second homes, and resort areas, so I guess I'm lucky in that university towns tend to have a more diverse population, even in the South. But, back in '98 or so when I first got online, I was amazed to find out that even in my home county with those small towns, there were gays galore! I even met some guys who lived like 2 miles from my parents' house! How far away are you from the nearest town? City? College town? Believe me, there is a gay community EVERYWHERE, from San Francisco to the smallest hamlet in Mississippi. It may take you longer to find it, but it's there!

[sui generis]

12. there isn't really an "aside from moving" solution

If you want water, go to the well. It won't come to you just because you're thirsty.

Like all things worth doing, you have to take a chance that it won't turn out exactly as you expect, but if it's blunting your soul to be isolated, then do what's good for your soul and go where you won't feel alone.

Life is too short - you don't want to get to the end of it and think, gosh I shoulda done that, why didn't I?

[closeupready]

14. It's extremely hard, even having myself been raised in a rural environment.

People are naturally social and it's cruel for homophobes and others to exclude gays and lesbians from society, no matter how "uncomfortable" they make them. This leads to bigger problems than not having a date on Saturday night. No, it leads to alcoholism, drug abuse, thoughts of suicide, etc. There was even one person on this forum who recently indicated as a self-hating gay child, he had harmed himself as a means of somehow "fixing" his sexuality. :(

Are you a subscriber to any of these online communities?

[HeavensHell]

15. I've lived here all my life...

Family and friends are here... I live in a small town population about 500. I've contemplated moving before, but this or that has always stopped me. There's one gay cafe about 20 minutes but after protests from the locals it kinda went "straight." Thank you to every one who responded and the warm welcomes. I just started my career, it's been roughly 6 months since I started. So I am lookin forward to when I hit the year mark. I've already shown my interests in a transfer, but the issue is my bosses don't want me to leave, so I may have to do it myself. IDK.. Maybe I was jsut feeling down. My friends were over last night and I was trying to explain that yes they are dear friends but they really can't understand nor relate really to what's it like being gay in upstate NY. So that did little to help me...

[moose65]

16. I understand that...

And people on here who glibly say "just move" aren't helping you any by saying that. Moving is hard, tiresome, and an ordeal that most of us want to avoid! And, if you're in a place where your family and friends are, it's even harder to leave it. I'd say that in upstate NY your chances of finding other gay friends are quite good, even if you're an hour away from a city. Are you close to Vermont? Mass ? Upstate NY has lots of small towns like yours, I'm sure. Have you tried online communities at all? I know they can be full of shallow jerks, but I also met a lot of "locals" that way, too! Good luck!

[DarkTirade]

20. A friend of my ex's when she was living in the middle of nowhere, NC

had that same problem... he ended up finding other gays online to talk to. Even if there were any in his area, it wouldn't have been safe to come out of the closet. :\ Scary place.

[bigscott]

21. coming a little late to the thread

I live in rural CT, a small "redneck" kinda town, I have lived and worked in NYC, Boston (where I work now) and other "enlightened places". In the two years i have been in this small town, I have come to realize there is a small, discreet, "underground" gay community of men and women who live their lives day in and day out without the rainbow flags, pride parades etc etc. Being gay is WHO I AM, not WHAT I DO. I fit in with this little small town as much as I do in Boston; there are just fewer "gay things to do". But I guess that is my point - I go to "straight" coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants etc. I am treated with respect (even if I am with another man) and nobody bothers me (us). That is all I want - to be allowed to live my life without being bothered for WHO I AM. And I can do that in my small redneck town!!!

[closeupready]

22. You don't want more, though? Like things heteros take for granted?

Public displays of affection? With all due respect, I'm curious why you put "enlightened places" in quotations - you feel that NYC and Boston are not really enlightened?

[bigscott]

24. i was speaking comparatively

my friends in Boston think I live in an "unelightened" hick town - I think otherwise. Do I want more?? I dont know - when i am in Boston with my SO, I dont walk around holding hands, I am not real big into PDAs whether they are hetero or homo. I want to be left alone to live my life, and I am allowed to do that in my hick town.

[closeupready]

25. Then more power to you.

:hi: :)

[adamblast]

23. I'm a smalltown gay...

...nearest gay bar: 2 hours away. Well, fine, I never went to the bars anyway. I just go about my life, work, hobbies, etc, and keep my eyes open for other gay men. They pop up from time to time.

In my smalltown/rural environment, I've encountered other gay men at the local amateur theater, the local coffeeshop, Episcopal church, Church of Christ, etc... Even though most gay men flock to urban settings (safety in numbers) there's always some folks who are more "settled in" in their hometown and don't want to move.

We shouldn't all have to live in the city--like urban refugees--just to have a fullfilling life.

[smtpgirl]

26. grew up in the city, now live in a bedroom community,

don't venture out much since I seem like I am studying all of the time.

Sticks here, but I can see Sugarloaf Mountain from my room, fresh air and NO NOISE.

I think I need to get out more!!