|
Edited on Sun Feb-06-05 05:31 PM by scottxyz
(I don't mean to sound rude, but let's look at this from a broader perspective. I realize that Skinner means well, but there are some hidden, possibly harmful assumptions in the language and approach here that I'd like to bring out, so just bear with me. I realize that what I'm saying is all guesswork (just like Skinner's) - but hopefully you'll see the kernel of greater freedom and deeper tolerance and stronger privacy I'm trying to get at here.)
What if your friend had a foot fetish, or was into threesomes, or into "big beautiful women"? That would just be his private business, info he MIGHT share with a friend if he felt like it - but more likely, he'd only share this info with potential sexual partners.
What is so special about "homosexuality" that people have to "come out" about it to their friends?
In an ideal world, all types of eroticism would be accepted - but all types of eroticism could also be kept private. In a homophobic world, we end up getting this weird sort of "duty" to tell our friends about what we do in bed - or at least, who we go to bed with.
I guess if we had politicians on TV trying to deny civil rights to foot fetishists, then we'd all be wondering if our best friend was a foot fetishist, and feeling hurt if he doesn't tell us (or feeling there's something wrong with him if he doesn't tell us, or feeling like we could somehow "help".)
I don't mean to sound like Dan Savage, but it's really none of your business what your friend does in bed or who he goes to bed with. If he wants to tell you, then fine. If he doesn't, then that's fine too. Maybe he doesn't want to tell YOU about his sex life, that's all. Maybe he doesn't "identify" as a gay man, although he might be carrying on some perfectly healthy gay relationships behind everyone's back. The only people who really need to know he's gay are the people he's having sex with (or trying to have sex with).
There are many ways to be "out". It is true that there are many people who are "in the closet" and this can be very painful. If that's the case with this friend, then if he is going to be open about this, it will have to come at his own pace, and the most you can do is take the occasional opportunity to naturally, neutrally mention other people you know and like who happen to be gay. But let's remember that this friend could be gay and could still have OTHER perfectly good reasons for not telling you. For example, he could be seeing someone else (who you might also know) who can't or won't come out at this time, and your friend doesn't want to out them to. Or it could just be a question of "style" - there are plenty of gay men who just prefer to keep that stuff private.
Society's homophobia doesn't give you a licence to pry.
To illustrate my point, I did a search-and-replace on Skinner's post:
I am not going to put any distinguishing personal information in this post, or explain why I believe he may be a foot fetishist. I'm not comfortable discussing the specifics, because he knows about DU and may even read it occasionally. I'll just say he is a good friend, and leave it at that. I do not know if he is a foot fetishist. For all I know, he might not be a foot fetishist. But when I consider the (inconclusive) evidence, the best explanation I can come up with is that he might be a foot fetishist.
But I am in need of some advice.
Like all of my friends, this friend knows that I am very liberal, an active Democrat, a strong supporter of equal rights for all Americans regardless of sexual orientation, and a believer in the basic humanity and dignity of all people. In other words... He would have no rational reason to fear rejection from me based solely on the fact that he might be a foot fetishist.
I care about this person a great deal. If he is a foot fetishist, he is in the closet to many people he knows. I cannot imagine feeling the need to live a double-life, and I cannot imagine how it would feel to need to keep part of myself hidden from people I care about.
To be clear, I don't feel betrayed or left out because he may not have come out of the closet to me. This isn't about my feelings. My concern is for him. If he is a foot fetishist, I want him to know that he doesn't have to live a lie. Or, even if he feels he must lie to some people, he does not need to lie to everyone.
So, do I approach him about this? If so, how do I do it?
Or would it be better if I did not bring it up? Is this something that it's better not to address? Is it better for him to deal with it in his own way?
If he's not a foot fetishist, I don't think he'd be offended by my bringing it up. I suspect we might both be a little embarrassed -- guys don't really talk about feelings so much -- but I don't think he'd feel any long-term anger or resentment toward me.
But if he is a foot fetishist, then what? Would he say "Thank god someone finally asked me about this!"? Or would he feel the need to go further into the closet, and devote more effort to creating the appearance of not being a foot fetishist?
I'm at a loss. This has been bothering me for a while now. Any advice would be great.
This exercise in search-and-replace illustrates 2 things:
(1) Labels sound funny. Gore Vidal says there is no such thing as homosexuals - just homosexual acts. You really get his drift when you keep hearing the phrase "a foot fetishist" over and over again - as if that really defined a certain type of person. The label "gay" is just as ridiculous - but we've gotten used to using it.
(2) What our friend does in bed, and with whom, is really none of our business, and it sounds weird for us to be carrying on so much about it. In some twisted way, the "concern" and "tolerance" we try to show when obsessing over someone who isn't out could end up backfiring - and possibly reinforcing society's homophobia.
I know skinner is trying to be nice - but think of how all this hand-wringing must sound to a young gay person in the closet reading this website: all this protesting about tolerance and understanding could just end up reinforcing the idea that there is something dangerous about coming out. It all sounds so dire.
"I'm not comfortable discussing specifics." (sounds creepy)
"inconclusive evidence" (sounds legalistic)
"my concern is for him" (sounds condescending)
"deal with it in his own way" ('deal with' - as in 'problem')
"this has been bothering me" (sounds like a problem again)
And there are probably several young gay people in the closet reading this website. Skinner's message is not really the most positive thing they could be reading. I would prefer something more light and affirmative and - dare I say? - celebratory. DUers can be very heavy-handed at times. Sex is supposed to be fun - not frightening!
|