When death is certain, but dignity is not

[bemildred]

Last time I wrote about my dad, he'd taken a fall in his bedroom, couldn't get up, but didn't want yet another ride in an ambulance. So my mother got down on the floor with him, pulled up a blanket and they went to sleep.

This time they went down together, falling in the street outside a Burger King in the Bay Area town of Pittsburg. He was using a walker with my mom assisting, but he lost his balance and dragged my mother down with him.

She was OK, but my dad was hurting. An ambulance happened to be going by, scooped him up and the verdict in the emergency room was a broken hip.

For a senior, those two dreaded words — "broken hip" — are often the beginning of the end. Doctors said that without surgery, my father would probably die within three months. But surgery itself could kill him, given his weak heart.

http://www.latimes.com/health/la-me-1113-lopez-dying-20111113,0,7581298.column

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Steve Lopez gets it right.

Great article...

[bemildred]

6. Yep, he's a jewel. nt

[Hepburn]

2. How sad. n/t

[Celebration]

3. yes, I wish we all had the Oregon law

The ninety year old women that are given mammograms every year? :wtf:

[dixiegrrrrl]

12. Washington state has the same law.

I have family there, and it is an option I am filing away for the future if needed.

[xchrom]

4. recommend

[mopinko]

5. i have had this conversation so many times with my family.

i hope there is no question. they have been told, in fact, to shoot me.
but, a recent event with my sister prompted this specific directive from me- do not treat any pneumonia.
my sister could have had a peaceful exit from this, but her family jumped up and down, and made the docs do everything. she also had a bedsore that required surgery, and which will likely never heal. the docs were looking at the situation as the final decline. my niece actually called several of the large donors to the hospital that she knew, and made them do everything.
i am now something of a pariah in the family for being outraged about the situation. but at least it was a lesson to my family. a course of antibiotics doesn't seem like extreme care. but it is a short circuit of the process. i don't want it.

[bemildred]

7. Well, I'm up to four times watching this, so far, amongst immediate family.

Plus several balls-out medical interventions which succeeded but led to DNR orders, formal and informal.

I've told my family they will be lucky to find my body if I have my way.

[dixiegrrrrl]

11. Mr. dixie and I have living wills which specify DNR conditons.

We aso have power of attorneys for each other PLUS 2 very close friends have power of attorneys for us.

You never know.

[bemildred]

13. Good for you. I need to do more, living will, durable POA, designated personal rep. etc.

I trust my wife, & vice versa, it's the one that gets left behind I worry about, esp. my wife who has only me and our son, and kids don't really get it. I do have a daughter who is experienced and whom I trust, I need to have a chat with her soon.

[dixiegrrrrl]

15. It is something that tends to get put off, I admit.

But, when we bought this house together, I insisted on immediately getting the other paperwork, so everything would be understood with our respective adult children, our friends, etc. It was pretty cheap ( for our area) and took just a couple of hours.
Then we told our adult children, clearly and specifically, what our wills provided for, what we wanted in terms of living wills and end of life matters, gave them copies.
But THEY do not have any powers of decision, as they live across the country.

We also had our doctor's office draw up a release of information for each of us, so that the docs could freely discuss medical matters between us. Same with banks. We made sure the bank and the docs would accept our POA or else give us their forms to sign.
All in all, it took about a week to get everything done, I had a list to check off.

When the horrible tornado outbreak hit here this spring, I was again glad I had not put this important task off,
even tho we did not suffer any damage.
But you never know...........

[SheilaT]

16. Telling your grown children

everything is so incredibly important. Too often children don't really know what the parents really want. Reminds me I need to update my will and make sure my sons understand what I want and don't want in terms of treatment.

A doctor friend of mine has said that what she often sees at end of life is that a grown child who lives in another city and has not been in good touch with mom and dad will swoop in and demand the doctors and hospital do all possible, even as the docs are trying to make everyone understand that there's no real hope of recovery.

[hedgehog]

18. Single adults (i.e. unmarried children over 18) need to have a designated

medical proxy. Once they turn 18, parents are excluded by privacy laws unless otherwise designated.

I just realized that my two BIL, 58 and 48, have no medical proxies.

[hedgehog]

17. When my mother was dying last fall, I couldn't figure out why she was being given antibiotics!

We finally got her into a room to await hospice. She was off the feeding tube but still on oxygen. Even then , they sent in a respiratory therapist to give her a dose of albuterol. If we hadn't insisted she be moved, she would have spent another week in ICU, but she wouldn't have been conscious.

There is an alternative path between euthanasia and pulling out all the stops, but the family has to be ready to let go.

[Demit]

8. Steve Lopez is a terrific writer, and this is an important topic.

I'm sorry our newspaper lost him (long time ago now) so it's nice to see you posting this. I notice that he says 'to be continued'. Will you post his next column on this, if you see it?

[bemildred]

9. I'll append Part .2 if I can. nt

[Demit]

10. thanks, bemildred! n/t

[pansypoo53219]

14. depends. my great-aunt was on a bathroom floor 94 or so for hours w/ a broken hip.

not the strongest heart. had the surgery + passed away at 98.9. she was back home within a year. and if he goes on the table? i guess worth trying?

[hedgehog]

19. It's important to consider where the person was before the accident

or illness put them into the hospital. Being on pain killers and having your sleep constantly disturbed can make it seem like you're out of it. Sometimes the treatment just extends dying, sometimes it offers a chance for more years of good life.